in the afternoon (2022), a piece inspired by my nostalgia for nintendo’s subspace emissary in super smash bros brawl.

the child: concept art & final sprite (2022)

It was a bit difficult to design The Child, as I felt that I wanted The Child to have their own unique appearance- while still remaining connected to The Mother. Their silhouettes remain similar, with intentional departures in similarity through the softening of the shapes of the limbs, paired with the sharpness of the star shaped head.

The Child also remains tethered to The Mother through the red ribbon on their back. It is colored red, the color of The Mother. This connection between them is furthered through the fact that The Mother possesses a similar binding.

This connection to The Mother is further emphasized through The Child’s design with other touches of bright red- as one can see on the shoes and the frog closures of the shirt.

The final sprite is constructed of individual images, all of which are meant to be placed upon a 2D rig and animated.

environmental & level development, forever and always (2022) 

These are some conceptual paintings, drawings and sketches detailing the level design of forever and always. One element that was focused heavily on was establishing a sense of place and direction. It goes hand in hand with the narrative, the direction that the character moves.

When the mother character moves upwards from the primordial sea into the higher plains of the mountains, it signals an ascension in being and in purpose. When the child retraces those steps in inverse order, descending from the mountain and trying to blaze a new path for themselves, it shows that these individuals are still connected to each other- however, the way that they will go about life, and where they will find their purpose, differs greatly between the two of them.

Landscape Diary is a project in progress, which seeks to help individuals analyze and acknowledge their emotions through generative visualization.

I hope to make a generative environment based on the player’s personality with AI creatures, weather, and plants, that can be changed on a daily basis to reflect the players mood, and eventually, create a long term record for the player to look back and reflect upon. Here, I present the current iterations of the project, beginning with a basic mechanical overview.

MECHANICAL

This mechanical prototype can be viewed in its entirety here. This paper prototype was created in a madlibs style, in which participants would assign themselves certain traits- those traits would be then mapped to a table, with ranges denoting which category they would fit in, and those answers would be then slotted into the general description.

This prototype assisted in refining the number range, seeing whether or not the core range was too large or too small, alongside testing how well the participants felt the results “fit” them, their current emotions, and their current personality.

VISUALS

In this prototype, the player would fill out the same mechanical survey as above. I, then, served as a the computer which would output their results. By creating various assets on different layers in a Photoshop file, and manipulating them through the results that players would get through completing the survey, I was able to create a preview of the shifting visuals of the final product.

DIGITAL

This  current digital prototype introduces a base island, where one can log their emotions, and see how the island responds to their input. Available on itch.io, with the password being ‘landscape’, sans apostrophes, all lowercase.

It was also at this step, that more complex formulas were created in order to translate raw player inputs into more interesting, reactive, visual inputs, as pictured in the third image. Each raw emotional input was injected into a formula, which would then calculate, for example, cloud density and weather for the day.

However, these factors, such as moisture and cloud density, were all interlinked with each other, in order to further the realism of the environment, and create more interesting outputs for the player to reflect upon.

DOG DAYS (2022) are a set of quick concepts, reflecting the question of- if my dog was a cowboy, what kind of cowboy would he be?

forever and always trailer (2021)  is a narrative driven game, focused on stages of creation, interwoven with an exploration of the idea motherhood; of the love and anticipation of greatness, the hatred of failure and too high expectations, and finally, acceptance and moving on.

a(part): filial piety, transness, and acceptance

I. Introduction

a(part) is influenced by my previous research on how filial piety interacts with one’s bodily autonomy/ownership and transness, and my own experience as a nonbinary person in a Taiwanese household. 

Often, it’s difficult for me to relate to many media narratives surrounding the ideas of coming out, and how one is expected to deal with their gender and their sexuality. Referencing my previous research proposal, there is “an understanding that those who are raised within Chinese culture have been exposed to the ideas of mian zi, or face- that oneself and one’s actions are not entirely separate from their close friends and family”. 

You do not begin and end with yourself- “Family is conceptualized as the “great self” (da wo), and the boundaries of the self are flexible enough to include family members and significant others”. And too often, this view of family is viewed as controlling or constrictive from an outside perspective- many people are advised to completely cut off their family members that may not accept them after they come out, or try to encourage them to “live their best lives”, because the idea of coming out is so highly regarded as “living one’s truth”. 

To preface this- I am not against coming out, nor am I saying that there aren’t situations where one would not benefit from cutting off their abusive family members. However, there needs to be nuance. 

II. Coming Out and Cultural Contexts

My own relationship with my family, my trans identity, and the idea of “coming out” are all incredibly complex. I personally think that my identity is something precious- that not everyone deserves to know about, if they can’t respect it. I also wish to preserve the bonds with my family that I have now, even if it means that I “stay in the closet”. 

But, I already am lucky enough to have people who know me and respect my identity- and that’s enough for me, at this point in my life. Even if that was the case, I’m personally stable enough in my own identity, where I don’t need other people to recognize it. 

I can’t speak for everyone, being only one person. 

Of course, there is a degree of sadness that I have- to know that my parent’s love may be conditional, that they only love one side of me. It’s a deep sadness that I can’t share this with them without fear. To wish for a certainty, to know that they would embrace me regardless of who I was- but, at this point in my journey, I’ve accepted this aspect of my life. That in some regards, I have to grow apart from them- and this is the emotion that this video, a(part) expresses for me. 

It speaks to the deep longing of wishing that I was the daughter that they imagined me to be- that I would be able to find some nebulous imaginary husband, and give them a legacy, to not have these complex feelings towards them. To simply be happy, but, accepting in part, that my happiness is not compatible with theirs. In the end, all I can do is hope, that the situation is not as bad as I think it would turn out to be. 

In part, this stems from my cultural identity. In 16th-17th century China, there was a practice called  filial slicing was a practice performed in, which one’s offspring would slice off their own flesh in order to aid their ailing parents, as a folk remedy. It’s an anachronistic practice now, but I suppose, I feel like I’m performing a sort of filial slicing metaphorically. Through my love of my parents, of wanting to make them proud, “a pious child offers back to the parent what is acknowledged as already belonging to them”- not through deference through authority, but through the joy that they love me, and I want to love them back. So, in a way, I cut off a part of myself, and sacrifice it, hide it for their sakes. 

III. Conclusion

I wanted to communicate through a(part) that my parent’s expectations upon me, while from an outside perspective, may seem demanding and cruel, a surefire way to create resentment- does not stir resentment in me. That it is not hatred or fear that drives me to compartmentalize my identity and restrict it to certain contexts, but it is through love and acceptance on my own terms, that I act this way. 

I wanted to share my experience as an LGBT+ Asian American, and express that things are not as black and white as they seem, and that culture, gender expression, both in the public and private eye, influence each other more than one could ever imagine. 

For more context and sources of the quotes, you may look upon my research proposal here.

a(part) - 2021 is an exploration of growing out of someone’s expectations, and into your own, and hoping, that one day, you can return to them, despite your differences. a(part) explores my experiences as a nonbinary Taiwanese American and the yearning, sadness, and eventual acceptance that comes with it.

A more in depth discussion of it can be found here. 

A God That Lives In Your Head (2021) is an interactive zine,  constructed of multiple digital collages and soundscapes. It is interested in exploring the impacts of being “born saved”, of having Christianity be chosen for you before you even had a choice, and the experience of having been shaped by Christian ideologies.

sylva (2021) - You are a witch running a greenhouse to cater to the needs of eccentric plants. With the help of your trusty spell book, you’re sure that  you can make sure all of them make it through the day. Right?