There are seasons in the life of every believer where we feel as if the ability to speak to or hear from God has disappeared. I just got through such a season. I had sunken deep into the depths of my own self-pity and refused to acknowledge the presence of a God who is not only interested in me but is passionately pursuing me. He did it on the cross so many generations ago and He does it everyday when He offers me gentle (and sometimes tough) reminders of His grace, mercy, and love. So what causes us to lose sight of the joyous and miraculous reality of God’s love?
For me it was the power of self-pity combined with the darkness of depression. One thing I controlled and one I did not. Had one been absent would the outcome have been the same? It’s hard to say but I would venture to guess that it would depend entirely on which of the two had not been present. Yet this I know; I was at the point of total self-destruction and wanted nothing to do with God. He had, in my feeble and flawed mind, abandoned me. In reality, I had taken a slow journey away from Him. I had all the right answers but wasn’t applying any of them.
This happens to a lot of believers and all too easily. We face the trial and instead of leaning on God, we blame Him. Instead of believing that “He knows the plans” He has for us, we choose to believe that He is ignoring or, worse still, intentionally harming us. This mindset cost me greatly and it will cost every believer. Some will lose little and some will lose much. The harsh truth is that we have no way of knowing beforehand whether we will be the losers of much or the losers of little but we don’t have to lose anything at all. Allow me to explain.
My depression stripped me of every imaginable joy but instead of running into the waiting arms of my Savior, I fled; as if I were running for my life when, in reality, I was running from it. I chose to abandon God, not the other way around. Now please understand that I grasp how easy that decision was in the midst of such great depression and how I may not have been able to even see the slightest glimmer of hope. I just wish that in hindsight I had sought out more of God and not less. It got to the point that I didn’t even feel comfortable darkening the doorstep of a church.
Me, the guy whose very existence has been foundationally built in the reality of corporate worship couldn’t handle the glaring truths coming from the church. Was it really this easy to walk away from a lifelong commitment? Was it really this easy to say enough is enough and simply ignore the existence of God? The sad answer is yes, to an extent it was. I was determined that if I could hold onto my life and live it my own way then things would be fine. The outcome, however, was anything but fine. It cost me greatly and could have very easily been the end of my story.
In the depths of the hole I had fallen into (and allowed myself to stay in) I found no peace. I found only fleeting moments of excitement and not excitement that would please God but rather excitement that would please me. The problem was that I knew in the back of my mind and in the deepest recesses of my heart that God was still there; He was still calling, still waiting, and still loving. The hardest part was that He was also still prodding me to repentance and that was something that would require humility (which is, dare I say, not my strong suit).
So when did it begin to change? When I stopped thinking of myself. When I swallowed my pride and listened to God. When I decided that repentance and a right relationship with my Creator was more important than my own selfishness. I had to apologize to many people and there are still more whom I need to restore relationships with. The reality is that this was and is a journey and journeys take time. God has been gracious to me and is teaching me to be gracious with others. The journey took several months and to say that it’s over would be folly. I know that God is still working in my life and on my heart.
My prayer is that He continues to do so for a very long time and that I never again allow myself to separate from Him. Walking away from God was easy but walking back took more. I am not special by any means but I do know the reality of where I have been and the hope of where I am going. My prayer for anyone reading this would be that if you have found yourself in the midst of darkness, depression, or even the silence of God you would not give up. Hold tightly to the Word and to the believers around you. God is working for your benefit and His glory even in the midst of silence.
God’s grace, mercy, and love will always be there, even if the feeling has fled. Not everyday is easy and I find myself having to die to self more and more every day. Yet I know that if I am willing to let go of my pride, self-pity and arrogance then God can do mighty things that are far beyond my imagination. I have a new friend who is pouring into my life and he reminded me the other day that God alone knows His plans for me and that while He may reveal pieces I will never see the full picture and that’s ok. I’m not God and I am honestly just tired and exhausted from trying to play Him.
The "Rogue" Theologian 