Angry Kids: 7 Things Not to Do When Your Child is Angry

by Kim Abraham LMSW and Marney Studaker-Cordner LMSW

Stop and think for a moment: When your child or teen is in the throes of a tantrum or an all-out
rage, what is your initial reaction? Do you get angry yourself and start yelling, do you freeze and
say nothing, or do you become frightened and give in? Maybe your answer is even, All of the
above, depending on the day! You are not alone. Dealing with childhood anger and explosive rage
is one of the toughest things we are faced with as parents. Not only is it hard to do effectively, its
exhausting and can easily make you feel defeated, even if you dont lose your cool.
You cant in any way control the way your child feels about thingsall you can do is give
him consequences and hold him accountable for his behaviour.
We all know the above reactions (yelling, freezing and giving in) arent helpful, but why exactly is
that so? Simply put, if you freeze and do nothing, lose control and yell or give in to your childs
demands, he will know that he can push your buttonsand that it works. Even if your kid cant put
it into words, on some level he understands that if he can scare you or wear you down by throwing
a tantrum, hell get his way. As soon as your child realizes you have certain weak spots, he will
continue to use them, because now he has a handy tool he can use to solve his problems. Instead
of facing consequences or being held accountable, hes figured out a way to get off scot-free.
Heres the good news: Learning to overcome your knee-jerk reactions of either freezing or
becoming angry and losing it will be the start of turning around your relationship with your
childand the first step in teaching him appropriate ways to manage his temper.
Related: How to manage your defiant child's meltdowns.
Dont get us wrong, as therapists and parents, we know first-hand how difficult this task can be
but fortunately we also know what really works to manage angry kids. Before we tell you some
techniques you can use in the moment (and afterward) to turn this pattern around in your family,
understand this: anger is always a secondary emotion. What this means is that another
unpleasant feeling is always underneath an angry or enraged response; anger just leaves us
feeling less vulnerable than hurt or fear do. If you can stop and remember that something else
affected your child first, whether it was disappointment, sadness or frustration, you will be one
step ahead. Another key point to understand is that anger serves a purpose. It lets us know
somethings wrong in the same way burning your finger lets you know the stove is hot. It hits
quickly and the reaction is immediate: Your child is disappointed he cant go to his friends house
and kaboom, you have a fight on your hands. (Well explain how to get to the bottom of these
emotions later.)
Keeping all of this in mind, here are 7 things for you to avoid doing when your child is angry.
1. Dont get in your kids face: When your child is having an explosive anger attack or enraged
response to something, do not get in his face. This is the worst thing you can do with a kid whos
in the middle of a meltdown. As long as your child is old enough, we would recommend that you
not get anywhere close to him. You have to remember that kids with explosive anger are out of
control. The adrenaline is pumping and all rationale has left the body. They are in fight or flight
mode, about to blow up. How close do you really want to get to that? By getting in there with your
child, you will likely only further ignite their anger. And if you try to say something to them in the
middle of it, youre just going to fan the flames. We often feel like we have to stand right there
and handle the meltdown with our kids. But if nobodys getting hurt and its not a life-threatening
situation or safety issue, its better to back off and give them some distance. After all, if you saw
an angry stranger in a store, you wouldnt go up to him and start yelling or rationalizing, would
you? Youd probably leave the area as soon as possible!
Related: How to give fail-proof consequences to ODD kids.
2. Dont react out of emotion. When your child is angry, rather than reacting out of emotion,
which will escalate things, do whatever you need to do to step out of the situation. Walk away,
take some deep breaths, and try your best to stay objective and in control. Take a time-out if you
need one (and if your child is old enough for you to leave the area). Use some phrases to remind
yourself, Im going to respond to this logically instead of emotionally. Im going to stay on topic.
Im not going to get off track. You might also remind yourself, One step at a time. None of this is
going to happen overnight. Part of our job as parents is to model how to handle emotions
appropriately. (Easier said than done, we know!) When youre upset, your job is to show him good
ways to deal with the emotions at hand.
3. Dont jump to conclusions about your childs anger. Your child may not be wrong for
feeling upset. There may be some justification for his anger, even if the behavior is not justified.
When parents tell us theyre upset with their child for being angry, we say, Is it not okay for him
to ever just be disappointed and unhappy and mad? Because everyone feels that way sometimes.
Remember that people can be justifiably disappointed and may present that in an angry way. If
your child cant be respectful in explaining his viewpoint, then youll need to leave him alone until
he calms down. You can say, I understand you feel angry; Im sorry you feel that way.
Then leave it alone until hes cooled off. If it turns into a temper tantrum where hes saying foul
things, breaking objects or hurting others, then thats when you want to address the behaviour.
You cant in any way control the way your child feels about thingsall you can do is give him
consequences and hold him accountable for his behaviour. Getting mad at your child for being mad
will only escalate the situation.
Understand that its normal for kids to get angry. We all get angry. In actuality, its not anger
thats the problem, its the resulting behaviour. Kids have notoriously low frustration tolerances.
Just because your child is angry doesnt mean it has to turn into an unrecoverable situation. Dont
expect your child to always be happy with you or like you or your decisions. Accept that it goes
along with the territory that sometimes theyre going to be angry with youand thats okay.
Related: Constant battles with your child? How to stop the power struggle.
4. Dont try to reason with an angry child. Avoid trying to hold a rational conversation with
your angry child; its not going to work. If shes disappointed about something and you try to
reason her out of it, its probably only going to make things more heated. Dont try in the moment
to get your child to see it your way because you dont want her to be mad at you. When you jump
in and try to make her see it your way, it really isnt helpful. And youre going to come away from
that more frustrated yourself, especially with ODD kids. Theyre not going to have any of it and will
turn the tables and try to rationalize with you in order to get their way. Instead, just give everyone
a cooling off period. You can say, I can see that youre really upset; we can each take a timeout
and get back to this later.
5. Dont give consequences or making threats in the heat of the moment. Along these
same lines, wait until everything has calmed down before you give consequences to your child. If
you try to punish her when emotions are running high, chances are you will cause further
eruptions. You might come back later and say, You were really angry. Im wondering if there was
one part of how that went that you wish was different. What could you do differently next time?
You might also think about whether or not consequences are really necessary after a tantrum.
Sometimes, parents will give consequences to kids just for blowing up. Weve had kids come in to
a therapy session and tell us that theyve lost all of their privileges because theyve had a tantrum.
Lets say a teen girl slams the door and mutters something under her breath on the way out
before going for a walk. When you look at it objectively, a child whos working on her anger has
actually handled it fairly wellgoing for a walk to cool down. In this situation, you might decide to
forego consequences. While every family has different rules about what is allowed and what isnt,
there should be some latitude to allow your child to express anger appropriately. Again, dont give
consequences for feelings, give them for inappropriate behaviour.
Related: How to give consequences that really work.
6. (For older kids) Dont miss a chance to talk with your child later: If its appropriate and if
your child is old enoughand seems willing to talk about what made them so angrytry sitting
down and discussing it. You can say, You were really mad earlier, but Im just wondering if that
came from you feeling so hurt about what happened at school. Wait to hear what your child says,
and really listen. Dont interrupt or preach. If they do open up, try asking open-ended questions
like, What do you think you could do to handle it better next time? Or, Is there anything I could
do that would be helpful to you?
Most of the time when older kids or teens throw tantrums or lose control, its because they have
very poor problem-solving skills. They havent yet learned to solve their underlying problems in
healthy ways, so they scream, break things, and call people names. Problem-solving skills dont
come naturallythey come with practice. Sometimes by talking to your child and finding out
whats going on, you can guide them to those problem-solving tools.
Related: Oppositional and Defiant Child? Help for parents.
7. Dont lose sight of your goal: Always ask yourself what youre aiming for as a parent. What
is your end goal? One of our most important jobs is to show them appropriate, healthy ways to
behave as we give them some problem-solving tools. Its not only important to discipline our kids,
but also to teach and to guide them. Sometimes lessons dont require a consequence, but are
rather an opportunity to talk and help your child come up with a better way to handle the situation
next time.

There is no simple solution to teen anger and violence. In addition to amino acids,
parents should consider counseling sessions with a behavior therapist/cognitive
therapist. Behavior therapists are trained in talk therapy. Behavior therapists help
troubled teens sort out their feelings so they feel better about themselves, and most
importantly, resolve anxiety. The longer negative feelings stay buried, the more powerful
they become. This brain activity not only uses all available neurotransmitters, it sets up
a chain reaction that causes them to withdraw and allow their problems to go
unresolved.
Parents who put their children on Prozac, Zoloft, Serzone, or any other prescription drug
to elevate the serotonin level are only using available neurotransmitters. Drugs do not
create new needed neurotransmitters. Drugs only mask symptoms and repress anger
that should be resolved. There are neurotransmitter formulas available that can be given
to children and teens safely without the possibility of addiction or long-term side effects.

Teenagers face a lot of emotional issues during this period of development. They're
faced with questions of identity, separation, relationships, and purpose. The relationship
between teens and their parents is also changing as teens become more and more
independent. Parents often have a difficult time dealing with their teen's new-found
independence.
This can bring about frustration and confusion that can lead to anger and a pattern of
reactive behavior for both parents and teens. That is, teens are simply negatively
reacting to their parent's behaviors, and parents react back in an equally negative
manner. This sets up a self-reinforcing pattern of interaction. Unless we work to change
our own behavior, we cannot help another change theirs. We need to respond rather
than react to each other and to situations. The intention is not to deny the anger, but to
control that emotion and find a way to express it in a productive or at least, a less
harmful, manner.
Teenagers dealing with anger can ask these questions of themselves to help bring about
greater self-awareness:
Where does this anger come from?
What situations bring out this feeling of anger?
Do my thoughts begin with absolutes such as "must," "should," "never?"
Are my expectations unreasonable?
What unresolved conflict am I facing?
Am I reacting to hurt, loss, or fear?
Am I aware of anger's physical signals (e.g., clenching fists, shortness of breath,
sweating)?
How do I choose to express my anger?
To whom or what is my anger directed?
Am I using anger as a way to isolate myself, or as a way to intimidate others?
Am I communicating effectively?
Am I focusing on what has been done to me rather than what I can do?
How am I accountable for what I'm feeling?
How am I accountable for how my anger shows up?
Do my emotions control me, or do I control my emotions?
So what can teens and parents do? Listen to your teen and focus on feelings. Try to
understand the situation from his or her perspective. Blaming and accusing only builds
up more walls and ends all communication. Tell them how you feel, stick to facts, and
deal with the present moment. Show that you care and show your love. Work towards a
solution where everyone gets something, and therefore feels okay about the resolution.
Remember that anger is the feeling and behavior is the choice.


Related articles:
All about teenage depression
Teenage depression symptoms
Teenage anger


1. Omega-3 Fatty Acids
2. 2. Engaged Activity
3. 3. Physical Exercise
4. Sunlight Exposure
5. Social Support
6. Sleep
[Link] Well; protein (eggs, milk, cheese, yogurt, meat, fish, chicken, seeds, nuts); complex
starches (whole grains, beans, potatoes); vegetables (broccoli, spinach, squash); vitamins
(vitamin B-complex, vitamins E and C, and a multivitamin); minerals (magnesium, calcium, and
zinc); omega-3 fatty acids.
8. Prayer and Meditation