Module 1.
The Social Context of Intimate Relationship
Lesson 3. Understanding Marriage and Family Dynamics
Objectives: At the end of this lesson, students are expected to:
Identify the different conceptual frameworks for understanding couples and families
Identify the three (3) relationship concepts
Timeframe: 1 week (3/15/21)
Activity:
Read and analyze the meaning of this quotation and discuss it in your own words.
“Everything that happens to you, happens to me”
Nikki DeFrain
Analysis:
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Abstraction:
There are many ways of understanding couples and families, and these are called conceptual
frameworks. The most popular of the conceptual frameworks is the Family Systems Theory,
which focuses on the family as an ongoing system of interconnected members.
Family Systems Theory.
This theory states that, everything that happens to any family member has an impact on
everyone else in the family (Goldenberg, Stanton, & Goldenberg, 2016). It is called a system
because family members are interconnected and operate as a group.
Family therapist Carl Whitaker liked the saying “there are no individuals in the world, only
fragments of families”. Meaning, human beings are extremely tied to their family. All aspects of
an individual are deeply influenced by their family. People are best understood by understanding
their family. Edward (2014) & Whitaker (2016) state that if a family is in trouble, both parents
and children need to become involved in family therapy.
When an individual has a problem, not only the family but the whole community is often
involved in finding a solution, an idea echoed in the popular statement “It takes a whole village
to raise a child.” A family cannot do it alone. Troubled families often live in troubled
communities, and if individuals are to be well, the community must find a way to create health
for all its members. If a problematic child improves his functioning by working with the
therapist, it is often reverted back to problem behavior unless the family changed. This is
because the family system has a powerful impact on a child’s behavior. Family therapists found
out that when a child has problem, often there are problems in the family.
General systems theory
Several concepts of general system theory are particularly relevant to family system.
Interdependence of parts. The parts or elements of a system are interconnected in a way
that id one part is changed, other parts are also affected (Goldenberg et al., 2016).
Example, each member of a family fits into whole family in a unique way and adds to the
beauty of the whole family. If one individual changes- for better or worse- the whole
family is affected.
Flexibility: Balancing Stability and Change. Ability of a system to balance both
stability and change. A flexible couple or family is like a flower in the wind because it is
able to bend with the wind.
1. Open system or morphogenic system. System that is open to growth and
change.
2. Closed system or morphostatic system. System that has the capacity to
maintain the status quo, thus avoiding change (Goldenberg et al., 2016).
Family therapists have discovered that many couples and families are highly
resistant to change, even if they need to adapt to solve the problems they face.
They want to maintain the status quo out of habit, lack of insight, or fear of
something new.
Cohesion: Balance of Separateness and Connectedness. Couples and families need to
find balance between separateness as individuals and their connectedness as a system
These are the opposing forces of dynamics that help systems maintain this separateness-
connectedness balance:
1. Centrifugal interactions. This tends to push family members apart,
resulting to increased separateness.
2. Centripetal interactions. This pull family members together and increase
family closeness. (Goldenberg et al., 2016).
Family crisis can push families to an extreme of either centrifugal or centripetal
interactions. An important aspect of understanding cohesion is whether a family system
permits family members to develop their own independence from the family. Family
therapists agree that a healthy balance of separateness and connectedness works best for
families in crisis.
Feedback Within the System (Communication). Family functions better when
important information is regularly exchanged among the members, which is the essence
of communication.
Information feedback loops can be either positive or negative (Goldenberg et al., 2016).
1. Positive feedback. In families, this feedback is intended to create change.
2. Negative feedback. It is designed to minimize change and keep things the same.
Feedback can come either from the family members or from people outside the
family. The words positive and negative do not mean value judgements or
indicate whether a change is good or bad but rather whether change occurs in the
system or not. Example, if I suggest that my family members exchange jobs
around the house to add variety and give everyone a better understanding of what
the various jobs entail. If my family members accept the idea and change the
routine, then my feedback to the system is positive. But, if they resist my idea of
change, the system feedback is negative. Openness to change is a key concept in
the family systems framework.
International Family Strengths Framework
The international family strengths framework focuses on how couples and families succeed
rather than on why they fail, from a global perspective (DeFrain & Asay, 2007; DeFrain et
al.,2012). This perspective is based on the idea that strong families can serve as models for other
families wanting to succeed. One advantage of this framework is that it tends to change the
nature of what one finds in families. Simply mean that if you study the problem only of the
couple, then, you can find the problem only. Similarly, if you are interested in couple and family
strengths, you have to look for them. When these strengths are identified, they can be the
foundation for continued growth and change.
Family therapists and counselors find this international family strengths framework helpful in
treating family problems ( Defrain, Cook, & Gonzalez-Kruger, 2005; Marsh, 2003). Finding the
problem is not enough, model of healthy family development is needed for troubled families to
work ahead. Identifying a family’s strengths boost morale among family members.
All these family strengths are interrelated, overlap to some degree, and interact. Appreciation and
affection for one another make family members more likely to spend time together, and time
together is enhanced by positive communication. Communication enhances commitment, and
commitment leads to spending more time together. A feeling of spiritual well-being gives people
the confidence to whether a crisis, and the ability to manage crises makes family members
appreciate each other more.
Qualities of Strong Families
Appreciation and Affection Commitment
Caring for each other Trust
Friendship Honesty
Respect for individuality Dependability
Playfulness Faithfulness
humor Sharing
Positive communication Enjoyable Time Together
Giving compliments Quality time in great quantity
Sharing feelings Good things take time
Avoiding blame Enjoying each other’s company
Being able to compromise Simple good times
Agreeing to disagree Sharing fun times
Spiritual well-Being and Shared Values Ability to Manage Stress and Crisis
Hope Adaptability
Faith Seeing crises as challenges and opportunities
Compassion Growing through crises together
Shared ethical values Openness to change
Oneness with humankind Resilience
Source: DeFrain, J. & Asay, S.M., Strong Families Around the World: Strengths-Based Research and Perspectives.
The Hawoth Press, Taylor & Francis, 2007.
Appreciation and affection. People in strong families care deeply for one
another, and they let each other know this regularly. Many people
however, do not express appreciation and affection in their families.
Consider the response of one spouse: “She cooked dinner every evening,
but it never occurred to me to thank her for it. She does not thank me for
going to work every day.” This kind of attitude is unfortunate, because
expressing affection and giving and receiving sincere thanks foster a
positive atmosphere and help people get along better.
People in dysfunctional families more often focus on the negative. They
gain energy by feeding off the self-esteem and good feelings of others.
They believe that by putting other people down they can build themselves up.
[Link]/images
Commitment. Strong family members generally show a strong commitment to one another,
investing time and energy in family activities and not letting their works and other priorities take
too much time away from family interaction. One father said in describing commitment: “my
wife and kids are the most important part of my life”. One wife said, “we give each other the
freedom and encouragement to pursue individual goals”. Commitment includes sexual fidelity.
One young woman said, “being faithful to each other sexually is just a part of being honest with
each other”. Indeed, honesty is the best policy.
Positive communication. Positive communication is an essential quality of strong family and
yet, many families do not spend much time talking to one another. Although successful families
are often task oriented, identifying problems, and discussing how to solve them, family members
also spend time talking and listening to one another just to stay connected.
Communication does not always produce agreement in strong families. Family members have
differences and conflicts, but they speak directly and honestly about them without blaming each
other. They try to resolve their differences but may agree to disagree. Dysfunctional families are
either overly critical and hostile in their communication with each other or deny problems and
avoid verbal conflict.
Studies reveal that communication in healthy families has several important aspects. Members of
strong families are good at listening. One father explained, “I learn a lot more when I’m
listening to my loved ones than I do when I’m talking at them”. Healthy families like to laugh.
Study revealed that humor is a valuable source of family strengths.
Enjoyable time together. Happy memories result from quality time spent together in
considerable amount. Telling stories to our children, singing together, doing task together are just
an example of enjoying time together with our family members.
Spiritual well-being and Shared values. Spiritual well-being can be the caring center within
each individual that promotes sharing, love, and compassion. It is the feeling or force that helps
people transcend themselves. One respondent said, “I feel my family is a part of all the families
of the world.” Spiritual belief is very personal, private beliefs an individual hold. Religious
belief, can be seen as being linked to a particular religious denomination or faith. Agreement by
a married couple on spiritual beliefs has been found to be strongly linked to a more successful
marriage (Larson & Olson, 2004).
Ability to Manage Stress and Crisis Effectively. Strong families are not immune to trouble, but
they are not as crisis prone as dysfunctional families tend to be. Rather, they process the ability
to manage stress and crisis effectively. Strong families are often successful at preventing troubles
before they occur, but some stressors in life are inevitable.
Key relationship Concepts
Theorist who have studied couples and families agreed that the dimensions of cohesion,
flexibility, and communication are focus to understanding relationship dynamics.
Cohesion in Couples and Families
Cohesion. A feeling of emotional closeness with another person (Olson & Gorall, 2003). There
are four levels of cohesion can be described in couple and family relationships: disengaged,
connected, cohesive, and enmeshed. The extreme low level of cohesion is called disengaged,
and the extreme high level, enmeshed. Even though being disengaged or enmeshed is
appropriate at times. The two middle levels of cohesion- connected and cohesive- the most
functional across the life cycle, in part because they balance separateness and togetherness. Both
connected and cohesive relationships are classified as balanced family systems.
Four levels of Family Cohesion: Balancing Separateness and Togetherness
Disengaged Connected Cohesive Enmeshed
system System system system
Separateness vs. Separateness vs. Separateness vs. Separateness vs.
togetherness togetherness togetherness togetherness
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Too Un much More by More togetherness Too much
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separateness separateness
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Unbalanced balanced balanced unbalanced
Balancing between Separateness and Togetherness
Balance between separateness and togetherness is the essence of family cohesion. Family
members need to balance between being intimate with and feeling close to other family members
and being independent from the family so that they can develop as individuals. The concept of
balance entails both autonomy and intimacy- and the ability to move back and forth between the
two. Establishing a dynamic balance between the two requires shifting back and forth on a
weekly, daily, or even hourly basis.
There is a balance between separateness and togetherness at both the connected and the cohesive
levels of cohesion.
Connected relationship place more emphasis on the individual than on the relationship.
Levels of closeness are often low to moderate in a connected family system, with lower levels of
loyalty; there is often more independence than dependence and more separateness than
togetherness.
Cohesive relationship placed more emphasis on togetherness and less on separateness.
There is some loyalty to the relationship, and there is often more dependence than independence.
Disengaged relationship (those with low level of cohesion) emphasize the individual.
There is often very little closeness, a lack of loyalty, high independence, and high separateness.
Enmeshed relationship emphasized togetherness: very high level of closeness, loyalty, and
dependence on one another. This relationship is often typical of couples in love. With this level
of intimacy occurs between a parent and a child (example, enmeshed father-daughter relationship
or an enmeshed mother-son relationship), the relationship often becomes problematic.
The relationship Gibran describes is an ideal. In the real world of loving relationships, few find
this perfect balance with their partners. It is a useful goal but one that is difficult to maintain for
long. It is also important to note that in intimate relationships, people can experience and even
enjoy, at least for a short time, both extremes on the togetherness-separateness continuum.
Couples can remain in love with each other while also enjoying apart for periods of time.
The table below illustrates the four levels of couple and family cohesion, from low to high
Levels of Couple and Family Cohesion
Characteristic Disengaged Connected Cohesive Enmeshed
(Unbalanced) (Balanced) (Balanced) (Unbalanced)
Separateness- High More More Very high
togetherness separateness separateness than togetherness than togetherness
togetherness separateness
I-we balance Primarily I More I than we More we than I Primarily we
Closeness Little closeness Low to moderate Moderate to high Very high
closeness closeness closeness
Loyalty Lack of loyalty Some loyalty Considerable High loyalty
loyalty
activities Mainly separate More separate More shared than Mainly shared
than shared separate
Dependence- High More More dependence High
independence independence independence than dependence
than dependence independence
Extreme Togetherness and Extreme Separateness.
Too much togetherness leads to relationship fusion. People “in love” often feel they need each
other. Although this feels good for a while, soon the enmeshment begins to prickle. After too
much togetherness, lovers can get on each other’s nerve.
During the early stages of a relationship, couples enjoy being totally together. When two people
are “falling in love”, being away from each other for very long literally hurts. Couples in this
type of situation are enmeshed; being together so totally can be very exciting for a time. To
expect to be totally sheltered from the storms of life by a loved one is a nice fantasy- but it is a
fantasy.
Two of the most common reasons of enmeshed relationship becomes troublesome are jealousy
and personification. People feel jealous when they fear they might lose their partner to another
person. Tied closely to jealousy is personification, the notion that everything one’s partner does
is a personal reflection on oneself. A person who personifies his or her partner’s actions will try
to control the other’s behavior. This may work in the short run, but it can destroy intimacy in the
long run.
Enmeshment is problematic both for the people in the relationship and for the relationship itself
because it romanticizes the relationship and puts impossible expectations upon the partners. It
also hinders individual development. One way to improve an enmeshed relationship is for each
person to develop individual interests and abilities.
A disengaged couple or family typically has very little emotional closeness. There is so much
separateness that each person is mainly focused on himself or herself and not on each other. As a
result, there is difficulty developing and maintaining intimacy with others. Most couples with
marital problems have low levels of emotional connection as do families with problem children.
Emotional closeness is the glue that helps couples and families stay connected even during
difficult times. When emotional closeness is missing, individuals care more about themselves
and there is little commitment and few resources to help the couple or family thrive.
Successful couples tend to be those who have figured out how to balance effectively between “I”
and “we”. Partners maintain both their own individuality and their intimacy as couple.
Application
Exercise 1. Write a reflection paper on how this lesson relates to your family.
Exercise 2. Watch this video and write a reflection on this. [Link]
v=uUSE_8aC_84
Now or Never (2011) - A Short Film About Family Relationships
