Defining Moments

Introduction

Defining moments in the context of this work can simply be referred to as those moments in an
individual’s life when circumstances and situations demand that he or she make some life-
saving cum life-changing decisions.

Defining moments can be referred to as those points in a person’s life when he or she is urged to
make some pivotal decision (s), or when a person experiences something that fundamentally
changes him or her.

Defining moments do not only have the propensity to define an individual. They usually have a
transformative impact on a person’s perception and behavaviour.

A defining moment could also be considered as a turning point.

A time in which an important change occurs and seriously affects the future of a person or thing.

Defining moments can also be defined as crossroads, critical moments, trying moments or
decisive moments.

Even though defining moments can be very scary in nature, nonetheless, such moments in a
person’s life are not as powerful as the decision that a person makes when confronted by such
moments. Defining moments have the power of opening a person’s eyes.

What a person fears most is usually what that person really needs to do.

The decision a person takes in his or her defining moment is what determines whether he or she
goes forward, stagnate or go backward in his or her journey of life.

It is one’s choice in his or her defining moment that determines whether he or she becomes hero
or coward.
One of the most powerful things a person can do in life is to make a decision and get resolutely
committed at pursuing its realisation. As powerful as a good decision can be, if not acted
upon, it is simply not different from indecision.

One of the ways to positively exploit one’s defining moment is to see beyond that defining
moment.

When you know exactly what you want, you can easily figure out how to get there, and the
thoughts and emotions you want to have along the way.

It is in such moments that a person finds their true character.

It is in these moments that a person becomes either a truth- teller or a liar. A truth- teller or a liar
first and foremost to himself or herself.

What is very certain in the journey of life is that everyone has their own share of defining
moments. And the beauty of any trying moment is that it usually compels a person to face his or
her fears head-on and take relevant action.

Challenging or downtimes in a person’s life usually serve as a strong measure of that

person’s true character. If you don’t have strong will power, each time your own trying moments
show up, you’ll definitely discover that your ideal decision is to seek for security instead of
seeking for ways and means to confront and surmount such challenges.

Also, the road to every worthwhile goal is usually littered with pot-holes. It takes a lot of courage
to push through hard times. It also takes a lot of courage to get back up and try again. But that’s a
great mark of personal growth because life is more meaningful to anyone who is always looking
for ways to grow.

But the irony here is that the bumps on that road of the journey of life are usually meant to test
an individual’s commitment towards the attainment of their set objective.

Therefore, my efforts in this work is primarily aimed at prompting the reader to be able to see
their trying moments for what they truly are. And for the reader to be able to develop the
intelligence needed in order to positively exploit their trying moments as a leverage for their
personal advancement in their journey of life than the other way around.

The objective of this work is to be able to leverage the reader with the intelligence required
to make informed decisions when confronted with trying circumstances and situations that
demand he or she make some life-saving as well as life- changing decisions for themselves.

This work is intended to drive home the understanding that an individual’s decision on what to
do when he or she finds himself or herself at the crossroads of life is more powerful than their
trying circumstances or situations.

The author’s purpose is to let his readers know that anytime an individual is blessed with the
grace to see another new morning, it is a big indication that God is still in business with him or
her. And once God is still in business with anyone, their case cannot be closed by any visible or
invisible force without the individual’s consent. An individual’s life file on any aspect of life
can only be closed when that individual decides by himself or herself to give up on that
particular goal in their journey of life.

Some Useful Tips on How to Swing Forward in the Journey of Life

-You have to remember you are ordained by your maker to be the CEO - the Chief Executive
Officer of your own life and destiny. Therefore stop depending on others for what happens or
does not happen with your personal advancement in the journey of life. And decide to be
personally resilient in the pursuit of your worthwhile life objectives.

- You have to be conscious that your personal drive in the pursuit of your set objectives will
likely not go down well with a lot of people including some of your loved ones.

- You have to understand that some of the people you expect to stand by you in your personal
advancement goals will instead ignore you until when they see you on the successful side of
your finishing line.

-You have to understand that you stand to make a lot of progress in the pursuit of your set goals
when you choose not to depend on outside forces.
- You have to expect less from outside forces and trust more in your partnership with your maker
who has ordained you to get to your place at the top in the journey of life.

- You have to remain resolute in the discharge of your own personal commitments in fulfilling
your ordained purpose by consistently reminding yourself that no visible nor invisible force has
the capacity nor authority to stop you from attaining your worthwhile life goals without your
consent.

-You have to know that some of the things that break your heart also have the potency of
opening your eyes to what is utilitarian for your personal advancement in the journey of life.

- You have to understand that you have the mandate to be a good person, but you do not have a
mandate to try to prove it.

-You have to remind yourself that achieving any worthwhile life goal is a daunting task. That is
why not everyone is a high achiever.

- Most importantly, you have to remind yourself that attaining a worthwhile goal is not
impossible if you effectively play your role and commit God to playing His.

-You have to know that if your goal is worthwhile, then you have the responsibility and
obligation to find a way to successfully pursuing it right to the finishing line without leaving
room for excuses.

- You have to continually remind yourself that success is not final and that failure too is not fatal.
It is the courage to continue that counts. Therefore, in order to consolidate your success, don’t
rest on your laurels. Keep working on means and ways to adding value to your already attained
goals and also make sure that your failures provide you with the lessons needed to do better in
that area that you have experienced failure in.

-“Slow down and realise that mistakes are essential to learning anything.”

-“Most so called failures are only temporary defeats.”

-“Remember that of all the liars in the world, sometimes the worst are our own fears.”
- “ Make and keep friends with the people you want to emulate. Not the people that you think
will be most likely to accept you. The people you associate with will shape your future.”

-“It’s no use wasting time worrying what other people think about you. No one is thinking about
you.”

-“The world is a tragedy to those who feel. But a comedy to those who think.”

-“ Thinking is the hardest work there is. Which is probably the reason why so few engage in it.”

- “Manage your mood because if it does not obey, then it commands.”

-“Life is like a book. Some chapters are sad. Some are happy. But all are necessary for the full
story.”

-“ Take good care of your health. Without health nothing will matter. No amount of money can
bring you joy if you are suffering.”

-“ Always move in your own direction. Not according to society, friends, or family.”

-“Never overlook contempt. When someone views you with contempt and talks to you like
you’re beneath them, they will likely do you harm. Whether relationally, socially, or physically,
remove that person from your life.”

-“ Life is far from over. But if you want to do something, don’t [Link] don’t sacrifice what
you want for what you want right now.”

-Your life is a world of its own. Shape it or else, someone else will shape it for you.

-“Through discipline comes freedom.”

-“ The pain you feel today, will be the strenght you feel tomorrow.”

-“Be proud of how hard you’re trying.”

- “ At your lowest, you realise a lot.”

-“Never force, don’t beg, and don’t chase.”

-“If you don’t value your time, neither will others.”

-“If it keeps you happy, keep it quiet.”

-If nobody helps you, do it alone.”

-“Be selfish with your time, a lot of people don’t deserve it.”

-“You can’t go back and change the beginning. But you can start where you are and change the
ending.”

-“If you don’t ask, you don’t get.”

-“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

-“ He who is not courageous enough to take risks will accomplish nothing in life.”

-“Never take the responsibility that does not belong to you.”

-“Have firm boundaries and be discerning about who you let into your life.”

-“The less possessions you own, the happier and less burden you will have in your life.”

-“Don’t leave someone to teach them a lesson. Leave because you have learned yours.”

-“When in doubt, just take the next small step.”

-“Be careful who you marry and even more careful who you have kids with.”

-“Get yourself together before you get any older. The older you are, the harder it is to change.”

-“Keep busy. It is the cheapest kind of medicine there is on this earth and one of the best.”

-“Your friends problems become your problems. The smaller your circle, the less bulshit you
have to deal with.”
-“When you were born, you cried and the world rejoiced. Live your life so that when you die, the
world cries and you rejoice.”

-“A bad phase of your life can start at anytime.”

-“Genius is 1% talent and 99% hard work.”

-“Save a little money every week or month. Nothing gives you happiness like a financial buffer.
Believe it or not.”

-“Happiness is not something you postpone for the future. It is something you design for the
present.”

-“Life moves very fast. If you don’t stop and look around, you could miss it.”

-“The things you think about determine the quality of your mind.”

-“Do your best and trust the process. The harder you work, the luckier you will get.”

-“Your heart will tell you where to go. Your head will guide you there safely. Use one without
the other and you will get lost.”

-“ Throw off your worries when you throw off your clothes at night.”

-“Often, the lies that are believed, become the truth.”

-“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal . Not to people or things.”

-“Never give up on something you really want. It is difficult to wait. But it’s more difficult to
regret. “

-“You can’t do big things if you are distracted by small things.”

-“Focus on what you can control. And let go of what you cannot.

-“A clever person solves a problem. A wise person avoids it.”

-“ Life isnt about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.”

-“It’s not what happens to you. But how you react to it that matters.

-“Intuition is something that is ahead of accurate knowledge.”

-“Your life does not get better by chance. It gets better by change.”

-“Stay strong even when things begin to fall apart. Stay strong.”

-“I would rather be a swineherd, understood by the swine, than a poet misunderstood by men.”

-“Fear doesn’t exist anywhere except in the mind.”

-“You can tell more about a person by what he says about others than you can by what others say
about him.”

-“To get married means to halve your rights and double your responsibilities.”

-“ You will be pulled down by [Link]’t get surprised. It’s normal.”

-“Most of the time, you have to swallow the pain and learn to grow up by yourself.”

-“ Trust wisely and not blindly.”

-“Here for a good time. Not a long time.”

-“A fool is known by his speech. And a wise man by silence.”

-“ One today is worth two tomorrows.”

-“ Our thoughts make us who we are.”

-“Difficulties show us what men are.”

-“The life of the dead is set in the memory of the living.”

-“ Never take anything personally. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality.

-“ The more you are interested in others, the more interesting they find you. To be interesting, be
interested.”
-“ The only time you should ever look back is to see how far you’ve come.”

-“ When someone shows you who they are, believe the first time.”

-“ A leader is a dealer in hope.”

-“ Keep your fears to yourself, but share your courage with others.”

-“ When you work for someone else, you have the right only to labour. Not to the fruits of your
labour.”

-“ True love begins when nothing is looked for in return.”

-“ Don’t read a quote and say this is wise but read a quote and say “how can I relate this to my
life?”

-“ Better 50% now than 100% never.”

-“ You’re being judged no matter what. So be who you want to be be.”

-“ Wealth is like sea water, the more we drink, the thirstier we become. And the same is true of
fame.”

-“ What Paul says about Peter telss us more of Paul than about Peter.”

-“ Difficulties strengthen the mind, as labour does the body.”

-“ The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.”

-“ Be loyal or stay single. That’s simple”

-“ Never say maybe if you want to say no.”

-“ When you are angry, stay silent.”

-“ You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.”

-“ At some point, you will have to realise no one else has a say in your life unless you let them.”
-“ You are confined only by the walls you build yourself.”

-“ Children make so much noise you can’t think. But when they leave the house forever, the
silence is maddening.”

-“ Nonviolence is a weapon of the strong.”

-“ No matter how thin you slice it, there will always be two sides.”

-“ Anything you dream is fiction. And anything you accomplish is science. The whole history of
mankind is nothing but science fiction.”

-“ If a man knows not to which port he sails, no wind is favorable.”

-“ Live every day as your last, because one of these days , it will be.”

-“ Only those who can afford not to lie are free.”

-“ He who is to be a good ruler must have first been ruled.”

_” The greatest risk is not taking one.”

-“ An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.”

-“ Give without expecting anything in return.”

-“ You need to stop the habit of doubting yourself.”

-“ Waiting for change while not doing anything for it is like waiting for a train at a bus stop.”

-“ A blind man is a poor guide until it gets dark.”

-“ We have two lives and the second begins when we realise we only have one.”

-“ It’s not your fault things are the way they are.”

-“ You can’t wait for inspiration. You have to go for it with a club.”
-“ Remember, 5 years ago, you dreamed about being where you are now. Think about it.”-“ If
you can’t explain it to a six year old, you don’t understand it yourself.”

-“ Life will only come around once. So do whatever makes you happy.”

-“ Those who are hardest to love need it the most.”

“ Hatred is a curse that does not affect the hated. It only poisons the the hater. Release a grudge
as if it was poison.”

_” Never tell your friends your plans. Stop putting too much trust in them. Don’t let anyone
know what you’re doing until it’s done.”

-“ Time always truly exposes what you truly mean to someone.”

-“ Be correct with everyone. Sociable with many, close to the elect, friend to the few.”

-“ It is nothing to die. It is frightful not to live.”

-“ If a woman is angry it means she is not only wrong, but also she knows it.”

-”If someone is trying to bring you down, they are already below you.”

-“ Even the finest sword plunged into salt water will eventually rust.”

-“ Not everybody wants to be your friend, and that’s okay. You really don’t want everybody as a
friend anyway.”

-“ What we do now echoes in eternity.”

-“ Do the first jobs first. The easy jobs will take care of themselves.”

-“ If you can survive your own thoughts, you can survive anything.”

-“ Love your enemies for they tell you your faults.”

-“ That which does not kill us make us strong.”

-“ Procrastination is the thief of time. Collar it.”

-“ One day in retrospect, the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful.”

-“ What we learn from history is that no one learn from history.”

-“ Who dares nothing needs hope for nothing.”

-“ Learn to heal without venting to everyone.”

-“ Failure is a bruse. Not a tattoo.”

-“ Be careful who you trust. Salt and sugar look the same.”

-“ Money is a tool. Not the goal. Freedom is the goal.”

-“ Stay calm. You’ve been through this before. You’ll get through it again.”

-“ Learn to say no without explaining yourself.”

-“ Believe nothing that you hear. And only one half that you see.”

-“ The saints are the sinners who keep on trying.”

-“ Above all things, respect yourself.”

-“ Do what no one else can do and you will become what no one else can become.”

-“ Value experience over possessions because memories are the real treasures of life.”

-Give back, even if it’s donnating your valuable time, know-how or attention to the less
fortunate. Do it, it will make you feel good.

-“Women are made to be loved and not to be understood.”

-“ Lead from the back and let others believe they are in front.”

-“ Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.”

-“ By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.”

-“ Intellect is invisible to the man who has none.”

-“ Do yourself a favour. Get rich, life gets easier with money, not time.”

-“ If they don’t appreciate you, they don’t deserve you.”

-“ To avoid disappointment, expect nothing from nobody.”

-“ Avoid gossip at all costs. It’s poison to your mind.”

-“ The root of all suffering is attachment.”

-“ Stress is temporary. But the lessons you learn from it can last a lifetime.”

-“Money isn’t everything in life. But it can help you solve a lot of problems.”

-“ The future comes slowly. The present flies and the past stands still forever.”

-“ To be everywhere is to be nowhere.”

-“ The greatest victory is victory over yourself.”

-“ If you are not falling down occasionally, you are just coasting.”

-“ Forget what hurt you, but never forget what it taught you.”

-“The only way to live like a king is to work like a slave.”

-“ Everyone , at some time or another, sits down to a banquet of consequences.”

-“ You came into this huge world alone. And will go out of it alone. Hence can make any
impossible thing possible by yourself only.”

-“Appear weak when you are strong , and strong when you are weak.”

-“Seek wisdom and not knowledge. Knowledge is of the past. Wisdom is of the future.”
-“ Give a man power and you will find out who he is.”

-“ You are responsible for your own happiness. If you expect others to make you happy, you will
always be disappointed.”

-“ You don’t always have to be going, being, and doing. It’s really okay to just chill.”

-“ Who controls the past, controls the future. Who controls the present controls the past.”

-“ Smart people learn from everything and everyone. Average people from their experiences.
Stupid people already have all the answers.”

-“ Above all things, never be afraid. The enemy who forces you to retreat is himself afraid of you
at that very moment.”

-“ Accept what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be.”

-“ Remember, some things have to end for better things to begin.”

-“ If you wish to forget anything on the spot, make a note that this thing is to be rembered.”

-“ Things may come to those who wait but only the things left by those who hustle.”

-“ Education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world.”

-“ Have at least one person in your life who gives you honest opinions.”

-“ Whoever violated trust once loses it forever.”

-“ Everything happens for a reason. Always.”

-“ Mastering others is strength. Mastering yourself is true power.”

-“ He suffers more than necessary, who suffers before it is necessary.”

-“ Fear of death increases in exact proportion to increase in wealth.”

-“ Success is stumbling from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm.”

-“ Nothing is particularly hard if you divide it into small jobs.”

-“ A negative mind will never give you a positive life.”

-“ Your enemies can kill you, but only your friends can hurt you.”

-“ If a man knows more than others, he becomes lonely.”

-“ Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving.”

-“Drop by drop is the water pot filled. The wise man, gathering it little by little, fills himself with
good.”

-“ Everything you need will come to you at the perfect time if you remain on track with your
creator.”

-“ If you want to be trusted, be honest.”

-“ People who say it cannot be done should not interrupt those who are doing it.”

-“ Wealth consist not in having great possessions but in having few wants.”

-“ A goal without a plan is just a wish.”

-“ We suffer more in imagination than in reality.”

-“ He who walks straight rarely falls.”

-“ Life will separate you from your friends. So appreciate each moment you have together.”

-“ Do not chase after happiness, it is always in you.”

-“ Hope for the best. Prepare for the worse.”

-“ Good things do come to those who wait and suffer. It might take time and be a long and rough
road. But it’s completely and totally worth it.”
-“ You will look back at your life with much regret for the things that you didn’t do than for the
things that you do.”

-“ A profession should initially be an act of love and not a marriage of convenience.”

-“ Better days are coming. You won’t always wake up in the morning with a heavy heart.”

-“ Worrying doesn’t take away tomorrow’s troubles. It takes away today’s peace.”

-“ The man who does more than he is paid for will soon be paid for more than he does.”

-“ Don’t react, cut them off silently.”

-“ Genius is a mind that knows its limits.”

-“ Your strongest muscle and worst enemy is your mind. Train it well.”

-“ Anyone you love can die any time. Cherish them.”

- “ Trust is easy to build but can be shattered in seconds.”

“ Fortune accompanies the brave.”

-“ The more you spend clinging to the past, the less likely your future will be any brighter.”

-“ Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add. But when there is nothing left to
take away.”

-“ He who has a why to live for can bear almost anyhow.”

-“ The art of living well and the art of dying well are one.”

-“ Your direction is more important than your speed.”

-“ If you waste money, you can earn it again. If you miss the moment, it can never be returned.
Live life with opened eyes, ears, and heart.”

-“ Never ruin an apology with an excuse.”

-“ It always seem impossible until it is done.”

-“ Don’t ever let the same people disappoint you twice.”

-“ Keep your mouth shut whenever you are happy. Keep your mouth shut whenever you are
sad.”

-“ Things don’t make us happy. Experiences do.”

-“ The way to get started is to quit talking and begin doing.”

-“ Real men despise battle. But won’t run from it.”

-“ There is truth in wine and children.”

-“People want you to succeed but not more than themselves.”

-“ Hard times will always reveal true friends.”

-“ Stop comparing yourself with those who started 10 years before you. Focus on your own
journey.”

-“ Simplicity is the result of maturity.”

-“ Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has leared in school.”

-“ The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.”

-“ Learning to let go should be learned before learning to get.”

-“It does not require many words to speak the truth.”

-“ Choose your friends wisely. The fastest way to become better is to surround yourself with
better people.”

-“ Don’t be afraid to make a bad choice. The hard choices are the best you end up making.”

-“ Nothing is ever as easy as it seems.”

-“ A person who doesn’t make mistakes doesn’t make anything at all.’

-“ Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.”

-“ Nothing makes a man so adventurous as an empty pocket.”

-“ The future depends on what you do today.”

-“ The time for action is now. It’s never too late to do something.”

-“ Be the change that you wish to see in the world.”

-“ Someone else’s progress doesn’t make yours any less.”

-“ Even the nicest people have their limits.”

-“ If you punish the truth, expect to be lied to.”

-‘ Only he who controls himself is free.”

-“ If you cannot have a faithful friend. Be your own friend.”

-“ Laziness travels so slowly that poverty soon overtakes him.”

-“ Other people’s stupidity never makes us smart.”

-“ Seek respect and not attention. It lasts longer.”

-“ So many people love you. Don’t focus on the people who don’t.”

-“ Your vision will be blurry. But it will grow clear with time.”

-“ Patience is your ally.”

-“ Never forget who helped you in a difficult time.”

-“ Both the optimists and the pessimists contribute to society: The optimist invents the airplane.
The pessimist the parashute.”
-“ Laws are like cobwebs, which may catch small flies. But let wasps and hornets break
through.”

-“ He travels the fastest who travels alone.”

-“ Genius lies in the ability to distinguish the difficult from the impossible.”

-“ A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting its shoes on.”

-“ You are here for a reason that you may not know . But be patient. You beat a billion odds by
being here. Be grateful for the little things in life that others take for granted.”

-“ There will always be someone who doesn’t see your worth. Don’t let it be you.”

-“ Life did not intend to make us perfect. Whoever is perfect belongs in a museum.”

-“ What we know is a drop. What we don’t know is an ocean.”

-“ No regrets. Just do better next time.”

-“ Before you are old, attend as many funerals as you can bear and listen. Nobody talks of the
departed’s achievements. The only thing people will rember is what kind of person you were
while you were achieving.”

-“ Just because you miss someone doesn’t mean you need them back in your life. Missing is a
part of getting over.”

-“ Ignorance is the root and stem of every evil.”

-“ Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.”

-“ Take care of your body. Remember, health is another form of wealth.”

-“ You cannot change the direction of the wind. But you can adjust your sails to reach your
destination.”

-“ Don’t regret having a good heart. All good hearts come back and multiply.”
-“ If you don’t let go of the wrong people, you’ll never meet the right people.”

-“ Don’t feel guilty for doing what is best for you.”

-“ If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got.”

-“ Don’t trust words. Trust actions.”

-“ Courage is not having the strength to go on. It is going on when you don’t have the strength.”

-“ There is nothing unbearable than idleness.”

-“ God knows when to send exactly what you need.”

-“ Don’t make a permanent decision based on temporary emotions.”

-“ First it hurts. Then it makes you stronger.”

-“ No matter how hard the past. You can always begin again.”

-“ Forgive your old self. You’ve changed.”

-“ Don’t judge your greatness by your shadow at sunset.

-“ A friend to all is a friend to none.”

-“A woman’s guess is much more accurate than a man’s certainty.”

-“ He who is not satisfied with a little is satisfied with nothing.”

-“ Understanding a question is half an answer.”

-“ How many things would you attempt, if you knew you could not fail.”

-“ You alone are enough. You have nothing to prove to anyone.”

-“ Sometimes you have to go through the worst to get the best.”

-“ Be alone until you’re valued.”

-“ Don’t overshare-privacy is power.”

-“ Be yourself! People don’t have to like you. And you don’t have to care.”

-“ To be able to forget means sanity.”

-“ It is better to offer no excuse than a bad one.”

-“ Everything that happens before death is what counts.”

-“ Sometimes people don’t want to hear the truth because they don’t want their illusions
destroyed.”

-“ The secret to success is to do the common things uncommonly well.”

-“ Believe you can and you’re halway there.”

-“ The family you create is more important than the family you come from.”

-“ The more you don’t have sex, the less you want it.”

-“ The way of truth is like a great road. It is not difficult to know it. The evil is only that men will
not seek it.”

-“ A man must not be without shame, for the shame of being without shame is shamelessness
indeed.”

Now that we’ve layed a foundation of what we refer to as “Defining Moments” in this book, in
the ensuing chapters of this work, my job will be to take each reader on a journey through my
own personal experiences of dealing with my own myriad of trying moments as well as the
testimonies of some other selected high achieving personalities compiled in this publication.

Most importantly, the reader will be able to see how the author and these other very important
personalities have turned their own different trying moments into stepping stones thereby
becoming role models to many in different aspects of life.
A keen look at the ensuing accounts and how each character in their different real-life stories
have navigated their way out of their own trying moments, will definitely help the reader to
understand that trying moments are not a fatality. They are not misfortunes nor curses per se.
On the contrary, defining moments or turning points or trying moments or decisive moments are
just part and parcel of real life and should not be seen and treated as curses or misfortunes.
Rather, they should be regarded and treated for what truly they are, (stepping stones.)

Chapter One

My Struggles with Schooling

I was only able to make my own primary education career debut at age 15.

At this age, I was already an adolescent. Under normal circumstances, a child of that age should
already be in their secondary school phase of life.

My case was very different. I was not that fortunate. I was unfortunate with my schooling
project just like my parents were with their marriage.

My darling parents sadly experienced an early crash in their union. The tragic crash of their
marriage unfortunately happened at exactly when I was ripe to begin my basic schooling career.
The failure of their union like every other failed project came with devastating consequences on
all the parties connected to their lives, particularly we the children.

One of the many consequences of their marital disintegration was our inability to begin
schooling at the right age. Unlike our other peers, beginning our schooling careers at the right
time was a luxury our darling mum as a single parent could not immediately afford for us.
One of the reasons was because she had just freshly separated with our dad and eloped with us
back to her own late father’s compound. While back in her family compound, she was now
compelled by the reality of that phase of life to dependent entirely on providence for our survival
because she had no immediate steady source of livelihood and was still struggling to plant her
feet on the soils of her new host environment.

Our new home had truly become a place to be in every sense in terms of the hospitality and
conviviality accorded us by our kin and kith. But on the other hand, our in ability to go to
school seemed to be a very painful thorn in our mum’s flesh. It was a huge thorn in her flesh not
just because she could not successfully cater for our schooling needs, but more because she could
not effectively deal with it without hurting her half- brother-our host father.

In that light, our mum was very cautious not to look for other options to send us to school
without the clearance of our foster father who had now become a great umbrella over our
stormy lives.

Even though our lives were now relatively riddled with raw hardship, nonetheless, our mummy
chὲrie on the contrary was apparently at ease with our new way of life. We could see her face
her new phase of life with a lot of enthusiasm, courage, passion, zeal, determination and hope.
In spite of the myriad of hurdles that our lives were now riddled with, we did not find any traces
of regret or discouragement in her face nor in her voice and behaviour. It was only later on that
we got to understand her better. As we grew older, we got to understand why our mum seemed
to have been happier with the harder version of our lives compared to the previous version of
ease under the able tutelage of our biological dad. She explained that while with our biological
father, our daily upkeep was entirely on our father. As such, she was relatively not under any
major stress regarding our material wellbeing. But that on the other hand, her life in particular
and ours in general, were plagued by a plethora of mysterious life-threatening scenarios. That her
split with our dad was a pure fight or flight response that was meant for our holistic survival.
That her decision to separate with our dad was a personal life-saving measure that she had
arrived at without our dad’s consent.

The how our mother’s apparent functional marriage to our father became a threat to her life and
ours is story for another chapter in this book.
Our mum’s drive in cheerfully parenting us as a single mum in spite of the biting hardships that
surrounded our lives at that time was a sharp irony. In spite of her inability to personally
provide for herself and the rest of us, her beaming passion to swing on with her new life in her
own terms was undoubtedly unquenchable and unstoppable.

To say that our mum’s split from our dad had a huge toll on our daily survival and upbringing is
an understatement. The effects of the collapse of our parents’ union literally led to the collapse
of our own very lives and destinies. But on the contrary, our mum’s passion in fending for our
survival was undying. Her energy in looking for different ethical means to cater for our daily
survival was hyper amiable and contagious. The state of her mental health was just out of this
world.

This certainly explains why we the children just naturally found pleasure and fun in partnering
with her in almost all of her farming and other menial endeavours that were aimed at catering for
our survival.

As young and naïve as we were, we did not struggle to fit into our mum’s paradigm shift. She
didn’t struggle to integrate us into her new modus operandi.

I want to strongly believe that our smooth cooperation with our mum in her parenting
endeavours made her task of raising us as a single parent less cumbersome and burdensome.

Apart from the fact that our childhoods were characterised by bouts of frail health due to our
sudden change of lifestyle, my siblings and I were not a source of any form of character
headache of any sort to our already very struggling mum. We were her faithful partners in her
single- parenting struggle.

How I Overcame the Obstruction on My Going to School

Initially, my not going to school did not mean a thing to me. But when I started experiencing
some cognitive development, I also began questioning why my siblings and I were not able to
also go to school like our other peers in the community.
Any time I dared questioned my mum on that, she would either carefully dodge the question or
give me an unsatisfactory response. Considering my proximity with my foster father, my mum’s
elder half-brother, most of the times when my mum did not give me the right answers to my
worry of not going to school, I will child- likely take my worry to my foster father. But
unfortunately, the few times I did that, he did not take it easy particularly with my mum. He
sharply reproached and rebuked my poor mother for putting ideas in my mind and words in my
mouth concerning the schooling subject. As a result, my mother had to give me an ultimatum
never to again approach her brother with my so-called schooling preoccupation.

Subsequently, I had no choice but to only soliloquize on my plight. Even the school uniform that
my mum’s immediate elder brother, Papa Sense Mbanfu of blessed memory had already sewn
for me, ended up serving as one of my mufty wears. It was not until I was 15 that the true weight
of illiteracy began to have a real toll on me.

It was at this phase that I began to feel very empty as a result of my not being able to read nor
write unlike most of my peers.

It was at this juncture that I began to see how unhappy my life would be, if I did not personally
and squarely confront the challenge of my not being able to read nor write.

The more I reflected on my schooling predicament, the more it became more painful to bear. In
my opinion, this is usually a very crucial state in a person’s deliverance from an imprisoning or
enslaving situation. The seed for an individual’s emancipation from any enslaving situation
is usually sown by the victim when he or she starts developing feelings of remorse or
discomfort over their adverse condition.

Until a person personally comes to the point where he or she is no longer at ease with his or her
predicament, his or her deliverance might never take place. Even if it takes place, it may not last.
Effective deliverance needs to be orchestrated by the victim.

In my case, in order to break out from the cage of illiteracy, after solidly making up my mind on
the way forward, the next step towards the execution of my plan was to confide in some
trustworthy person as my accountability partner. That choice fell on my older nephew-Atia
Richard and my cousin- Yai Denis Mbenlo who both had always shown some acceptable
degree of sympathy on my schooling plight.

Benefitting from the moral support of these two lovely dudes, we were able to secretly arrive at
a plan; We carefully mapped out how I was going to unsuspectingly escape from the village to a
neutral part of the country where my elder biological brother worked and lived. My darling mum
on her part did not have a clue of my plan until the eve of my departure from the village. I had to
painstakingly keep my plan secret even to my darling mum because she had repeatedly proven
that her loyalty to my foster father was unnegotiable.

Fortunately, our plan was executed without any immediate interference. I successfully escaped
and joined my elder brother in his working station in another part of the country. Thereafter, he
successfully enrolled me in a formal basic education institution for my first time.

The holy book is right when it says and I quote; “ And we know that in all things God works for
the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” The
successful conception and execution of my secret plan to escape from the entrapment of my
foster father, was made easy by the physical absence of my mother in the palace. My plan to
escape and go acquire some degree of formal education was nursed between August, 1986 and
September, 1987. It is worthy to note here that on the 21st of August, 1986, a deathly explosion
occurred in one of Cameroon’s many lakes resulting in a colossal loss of human lives as well as
livestock. “The Lake Nyos Gas Disaster”, happens to be the worst disaters that the nation of
Cameroon has experienced that did not only come with the massive loss of human lives and
fauna in the affected communities. But also resulted in the complete abandonment of affected
towns and villages up till date. The aftermath of the ”Lake Nyos Gas Disaster” is inexhaustive
and perhaps eternal. Like most Cameroonians in general and specifically families or individuals
who hail from the various communities that were affected by this disaster in the northwestern
part of the country, my family happens to be one of those families that was hard hit by the
deathly carbon dioxite. On the night of the macabre incident, my mother, her elder brother, and
my immediate elder sister were under the same roof in Su-Bum, one of the largest towns that was
ravaged by the said disaster. Besides my mum, her immediate senior brother, and my own
immediate senior sister, my other relations were also scattered across Su-Bum on that grosome
night. When the news was broken to the world the next day, I and one of my nephews, Atia
Richard of blessed memory hit the road to the disaster scene in hope of a miracle for our loved
ones who had also been caught in the said deathly explosion. I was aged about 14 and Richard
about 17. By the time we reached the main hill that gave us the aerial view of Su-Bum from the
Laka-Bum end of our journey, we could not believe what our eyes saw down the Su-Bum
valley. The both sides of River Ngah as well as the rest of Su-Bum was littered with liveless
bodies of humans, cattle, fowls, goats, birds, fish, reptiles, e.t.c.

Richard and I soon realised that the hope that had accompanied us up till this juncture, had
suddenly and completely given way to sobs and some sort of generalised bodily paralysis .
The nearer we approached the river in our weakened and discouraged states, the more we came
face-to-face with the reality of what we first saw from our bird’s eye view. When we finally
reached the banks of River Ngah, the reality was more than real. The liveless bodies we first
saw only faintly from the vantage point of the hill were now in front of our optical eyes. With
the leadership of Richard, we were able to muster some strength and courage and crossed River
Ngah on the hanging bridge. After passing through the flooded farms on the Su-Bum side of the
river, we finally started passing through compounds and houses. Each compound or house had its
own sorry sight: The whole place had been transformed into a sea of corpses in various
positions. Some naked. Some clothed. Some half naked. Some on the courtyards. Some on the
doorsteps of the various houses. Some of the victims looking like they had been burned by fire.
Some victims miraculously still gasping for life. A few survivors here and there either wailing in
pain or in grief. Looking confused and weak like Richard and I.

Up till this point, the press had not yet disclosed what was the cause of the disaster. Therefore,
even some of the few survivors that we met on our way who were able to talk back to us did not
have what to tell us. They themselves did not understand what had happened. Richard and I after
crossing over several carcasses and liveless bodies of humans as well as being fortunate to meet
some isolated survivors, saw our hopes and energy levels rising again. But this was shortlived
because by the time we finally reached Richard’s mother’s house, our hopes were once brought
to zero following the pathetic sight of his mum’s corpse as well as that of her fetus forced out of
its mum’s womb by what had killed the mother. The good side of the coin here was that apart
from Richard’s mum and her fetus, the rest of the children and their daddy under the same roof
had miraculously survived. When we finally joined the survivors at Richard’s mother’s, a fresh
round of wailing ensued. My own quota of crying was very different from the rest of the cries
at Richard’s mum’s home. Why? Because their own fate was already known, but mine was yet
to be uncovered. After some bouts of crying with Richard and his survived family, in his
characteristic leadership manner, he encouraged me to continue the journey to my own home-
my maternal uncle’s house. It was not going to be any short journey not only due to the distance
to be covered, but mostly due to the fear of having to undertake the rest of that journey through
the valley of the dead all by myself. But the die was already cast. There was no turning back. I
finally mustered the needed courage and was soon on my toes to my uncle’s. As already
feared and expected, the journey turned out to be worst than the first lap already covered.
Between Richard’s residence and my uncle’s house was the heart of the residential neighborhood
of the town measuring approximately a killo metre in length. From the start of this phase of
my journey right to my arrival at my destination, I must confess that my spirit almost left my
own body not due to the effects of what had killed the masses but due to the terrifying images
of the death toll that I witnessed along the way. The sights seemed like they were not in real
life. I’m not sure that I’ve ever come across any such hurrifying sights again even in works of
fiction. I can now aptly qualify those sights as armageddon-like. Thank God for the mental
stamina that I was leveraged with to successfully go through that short but very long journey
without passing out. When I finally arrived at my uncle’s, the scene there wasn’t any better. My
arrival was greeted by the liveless bodies of my darling uncle, Prince Sense Mbanfu as well as
Angeline, my immediate elder sister. They too like Richard’s mother and the other countless
corposes of the unkwon victims that I had earlier come across in the course of this frightful
journey, had sadly not survived the carnage. This was a very hurting and desolate scene for a 14
year old that I was at the time of the disaster.

Paradoxically, my ailing mother who had come to live with her elder brother and my senior sister
in order to receive medical treatment from the local government health centre had miraculousy
defied the holocaust. That was unbelievable but true! How could my energetic and able uncle
who was the backbone and livewire of our family as well as the young Angeline who had barely
completed her primary education die leaving behind our sick and fragile mother? Until this day,
I am still puzzeled by such a divine bias. As earlier indicated, besides Richard’s mother,
Christina Mbehh, her fetus, my uncle, my sister, my family equally lost quite a sizeable portion
of its other members to the cool hands of the “Lake Nyos Gas Disater.” One public figure that
was also granted the grace to survive from this disaster that befell us is my beloved cousin in the
person of Reverend Father Bangsi Anthony. He was a priest intern in the local Catholic church
in Su-Bum on that tragic night. By divine intervention, he too like his aunt-my mother, also
cheated that mass death. After his miraculous survival as a student, he thereafter graciously
followed through with his priesthood training and recently celebrated his 25 th annivery of
priesthood in the year 2024.

My mother on her part as a survivor of this grotesque disaster, went on to live her second
earthly life for about 35 additional years and dignifiably passed on on the 16 th of December,
2021.

Apart from the human and the livestock death toll that resulted from the “Lake Nyos Gas
Disaster” of August 21st, 1986, the entire surface area that accommodated the affected
communities has officially remained desolated up till the time of this publication. The daily life,
infrastructure, businesses that used to characterise the said affected areas has all since died
along with the deceased population. The few people who supernaturally survived were
tempororarily assisted and resettled by the Cameroon government in synergy with its
international partners and thereafter abandoned to their own fate. There’s no denying that
Cameroon as a country, the affected parts of the country, and the immediate affected families in
particular have not been able to recover from the multi-faceted negative effects of this disaster.

But how was the occurrence of this terrible disaster linked to my being able to successfully
escape from the solid grip of my foster father and go to school? This disaster was linked to my
emmancipation from illiteracy because it was against its backdrop that my mother had to leave
the palace in Laka-Bum and get accommodation in a resettlement village like every other
survivor. After receiving medical attention like every other survivor of the said disaster, she
was also given the opportunity to be resettled in Buabua, one of the villages that currently host
part of the Bum population that survived from the Lake Nyos tragedy. My mother’s involvement
in the Lake Nyos catastrophe is fortunately what led to her detachment from her father’s palace.
And thanks to her physical absence in the palace, I was then able to freely conceive and develop
the rebellious idea of escaping from the palace to go in seaech of an opportunity to be able to
learn how to read and write. If fate had not unconditionally arranged for my mum’s displacement
from the palace to resettle her far away from the palace, my stubborn idea of leaving the palace
to go to school without the royal blessing of her elder brother would not have been successfully
conceived.

With the able conspiracy of Richard and Denis Mbenlo, sometime in September, 1987, I
successfully deserted my place in the apparent comfort of the palace and went to meet my elder
brother in his working station in Nkambe where I was finally enrolled to begin my primary
education in C.S. Binju, Nkambe.

While I was still celebrating my phenomenal success of finally being able to go to school for the
first time at age 15, this breqakthrough almost slipped through my fingers in the middle of the
celebration. What a near-miss! I almost missed it again. When my foster father discovered that
I had escaped from the village, he did not fold his arms. In his capacity as a traditional authority,
after carrying out his investigations and putting his facts together, he immediately exercised his
royal authority by dispatching one his aides with his royal spear to go fetch for me in the part of
the country where I had sought refuge.

Up till date, I cannot tell with exactitude what happened that the bearer of the royal spear did not
succeed in his royal assignment to dislodge me from my freshly started schooling project. It was
a huge miracle that I was not hijacked back to the village because according to the tradition and
customs of my people, the royal spear is a staff of authority of the traditional ruler. The staff of
authority of the traditional authority-the Fon, stands as his embodiment whereever it is sent to.
Anyone on a royal errand bearing the royal spear does not only represent the traditional ruler.
He also embodies all the institutions which the ruler incarnates. My survival from my foster
father’s scheme to abort my schooling ambition right from the early stage of its conception is
credited to my senior brother-Mr. Yai Moses Tam of blessed memory. Until his demise in late
2021, he did not find it necessary to explain to me how he successfully negotiated my stay with
him in order for me to sustainably carry on with my lofty schooling mission. I’d forever be
indebted to him for his inputs that contributed in no small way in laying the foundation of my
dream to learn how to read and write.
My uncle’s attempt to stop my schooling project right in its nursery, was not the last. All hell
equally broke loose throughout my struggle to learn how to read and write. For example, not
long after my foster father had unimaginably failed in his attempts to stop my schooling plan, an
avalanche of other forms of attacks also successively set in. For example, Cameroon, my
country, was also hard hit by a devastating economic crisis resulting in a myriad of
consequences: To begin with, members of the middle class in Cameroon were subjected to
severe salary cuts. Thereafter, the C.F.A. Francs currency was devalued. Some employers
could no longer pay its personnel salaries for a very long time. In other cases, some companies
simply went defunct. Others redundant a huge number its labour force.

My guardian was luckily not laid off, but was unfortunately also hard-hit by salary cuts and all
the other related effects of the economic crisis that had gripped the country during that period.
Consequently, it resulted in my dropping out of primary school in my third year.
Disappointingly, without sitting in for the First School Leaving Certificate exams.

However, this tragedy on my education drive did not have the capacity to cause me to choose
to look at my glass as half empty. I intentionally chose to look at my glass as half full. In that
regard, I was filled with some sense of fulfillment for having at least achieved the primary
objective of being able to read and write. My being able to read and write was no small
achievement. My being able to read and write has contributed enormously in the building of my
self-confidence which has become one of the foundations on which I’ve successfully used to be
able find my own lane in the vast boulevard of today’s global civilisation.

The lesson to be drawn from this my personal experience is that, sometimes in the pursuit of a
worthwhile goal, even when you have engaged the right practical steps toward the realisation of
your set objective, your engagement or commitment does not automatically silence your
adversaries. The engagement of the right steps towards the realisation of an objective is
paramount to achieving any set goal. But it does not automatically eliminate difficulties. Some
difficulties could be technical, financial, material, human, etc. But as long as the process is right
and the goal owner is resilient enough, he or she will ultimately reach the finishing line of their
objective.
The enemies to any worthwhile goal are never tired of fighting back at their target. After all, the
mandate of any true adversary is to thwart any effective effort aimed at fulfilling any worthwhile
purpose of its target. Therefore, any goal setter who sets out to attain a worthwhile goal must be
conscious that his or her adversaries will never fold their arms and allow him or her to
accomplish their goal without putting up a fierce fight.

Therefore, the dictum that says: “To be forewarned is to be forearmed” holds true here. A
person’s consciousness of his or her adversaries’ mission to interfere with the attainment of his
or her set goal (s) can be a very effective tool that will leverage an individual’s efficacy in the
successful pursuance of their objectives. But unfortunately, in some cases, some people when
faced with a life-changing moment, tend to instead allow this awareness to instead depower them
from taking gainful decisions.

Even though a person’s awareness of their opponent’s mission on its own cannot achieve
anything, it can however effectively leverage an individual to be more focused in the pursuit of
their set goal if that individual means business.

Therefore, anyone who is poised to turning their turning points into opportunities, should be
conscious of the agenda of the opponents vis-à-vis his or her goal and therefore should be
tenacious in fighting the opponents of his or her success right to the finishing line.

Any form of mediocrity tolerated by anyone pursuing a worthwhile goal, can be very suicidal to
the attainment of his or her set goal. Therefore, the effective antidote needed against visible and
invisible opponents for the attainment of any set goal is usually the stoicism of the goal setter to
be able to bootstrap himself or herself right to the finishing line of their objective in spite of all
the challenges.

Just like no athlete is expected to win a competition without first eliminating everything that
will obstruct him or her from developing the fitness necessary for him or her to be at the top of
their game, the same quality of discipline is expected from anyone pursuing a worthwhile goal.

Most things are permissible in life but not all things are beneficial for the person pursuing a set
objective. Anyone pursuing a worthwhile goal must also be ready to sacrifice for his or her next
level in life. How far a person goes, either up or down, is often traceable to personal
responsibility.

In the words of Bishop David Oyedepo: “You never find a high-flyer who is not a hard worker in
any field.” “Behind anything working is someone at work.” Therefore, taking personal
responsibility to emancipate oneself from any enslaving experience in life is a very potent
weapon for the attainment of good success in any set objective. On the contrary, trying to play
the victim cum indulging blame games are serious impediments to the attainment of good
success. The best way to deal with a problem is to just keep going, to persist and continue
working at solutions.

High achievers are usually driven and disciplined persons. Driven and disciplined people often
avoid excuses and blame games.

Expecting things to be easy or expecting others to be the main actors of your success is a gross
disservice in real- life.

Back to my own personal struggles of acquiring some acceptable level of literacy, the thing I
feared most finally befell me: As earlier mentioned, due to the fact that my guardian was now
not able to continue to cater for my schooling needs, I finally had to prematurely drop out of
primary school.

My dropping out from primary school without obtaining the First School Leaving Certificate was
a big blow to my lofty dream. As if to say; “If you can’t stop thinking about it, don’t stop
working at it.” My leaving primary school without the end of course certificate did not in any
way stop me from trying to seek admission into secondary school. By providence, I was
successfully granted admission into a Government Technical Secondary School. The process to
be granted the said admission dragged for about two months. During those two months, schools
had already actually resumed for the year. It would also interest you to know that my being
granted admission as a freshman in a government secondary educational institution without
showing any formal proof of having completed my primary education was another miracle.

This was another big miracle. Yes, it was a miracle par-excellence. But not without my own
personal dogged engagement. In my determination to also have a secondary education
experience, I had made up my mind to go seek for my admission by myself at the Divisional
Delegation of Education of the administrative unit of my schooling town at the time. On a daily
basis and without the consent of my host brother, each time he left for work and I was done with
my house chores, I’ll get set and set out for the Delegation of Education ready to meet the
Delegate in person and to make my case. I followed through with my going to the Delegate’s
office every working day for weeks but was unfortunately not allowed to meet him. Day after
day and week after week, I was not lucky to meet the Delegate. But the harder it got for me
seeing the Delegate, the more determined I continued to try.

After several weeks of going and sitting in front of the Delegate’s office in attempt to meet him
without any sign of success, my day of luck finally emerged. I came to the Delegate’s office that
day as usual and planted myself at the frontage of the office as usual. Not long after that, I
overheard that the Delegate was scheduled to leave for the Provincial Delegation that day. This
obviously sounded like very bad news to me. In the end, Mr. Delegate actually mounted his car
and left for his trip as I had earlier eavesdropped. In frustration, I felt paralysed on the bench
on which I sat. While in that paralysed state and not knowing what next to think or do, some staff
of the Delegate’s office approached me and enquired to know if I needed any help? I excitingly
answered in the affirmative and immediately pitched my need. This was the opportunity that I
had been anxiously looking up to each day that I came knocking at the door of that institution.
After some informal session of questions and answers, “ The Good Samaritan” in question made
up his mind to give me my needed admission on condition that I pay the entirety of my school
fees and registration at once. I happily jumped at the offer and entreated him to give me some
moments to run to the house and get the said money. Luckily, my request was granted. It would
interest you to know that prior to the resumption of that academic year, I had made my mother to
sell a very large portion of her corn harvested that farming season in order to raise some money
for my secondary school illussional project. All the corn that we had sold only amounted to
about the sum of 10,000 F CFA. I needed the sum of 12,500 F CFA as the entirety of my
school fees plus registration. After collecting my sum of 10,000 F CFA francs from the house, I
ran to my senior brother’s office with the good news from the Delegation of Education and
persuasively lured him to make up the balance of what was demanded as precondition for my
admission into the Government Technical School. I could see how surprised but impressed my
brother was with my endeavour. In turn, he immediately raised the balance of the money that I
needed. That is how I successfully obtained my admission into secondary school. The senior
official of the delegation of education whom God used to grant me the much craved admission
into the above government secondary school also went an extra mile by giving me a cover letter
addressed to the principal of the said school instructing him to allow me to attend classes in my
mofty outfits until when it will be convenient for me to afford a school uniform.

It was in my first year in secondary school that I then registered for the First School Leaving
Certificate exams and was blessed with a pass as an external candidate.

But due to the fact that all odds were against my schooling project, after just one successful year
in secondary school, I was sadly fired by the school administration the next academic year due to
the fact that I was not able to pay my required school fees. I was again faced by another school
drop-out experience. No doubt it is said; “It doesn’t rain, it pours.”

It is also worthy to note here that the total amount representing my school fee that led to my
dismissal from school was only 12,500 (Twelve thousand five hundred) Francs CFA.

Thereafter, all my efforts to go back to school and at least obtain a secondary school certificate
were ruthlessly stalled by poverty. Regrettably, I ended up throwing the towel on my education
struggle and finally resolving to concentrate my efforts on how to fend for a living. After all, I
was now able to read and write. At least, my story was no longer the same. I was no longer the
illiterate village boy I used to be. Even though deep in me, I could still sensed the vacuum of my
quest for an acceptable level of literacy. Deep in me, I was convinced that the defeat was only
momentary.

While in my search for an ethical means of survival, God in His providence along the line
provided me with a formal job with a security service company, WACKENHUT-Cameroun S.A.
After serving my employer for about 13 years in varied professional capacities and also
empowering myself professionally and otherwise, I again decided to revive my childhood quest
to acquire the formal education that had earlier eluded me due to the cruelty of poverty.

It is also worthy to note here that from when I unfortunately dropped out from school, it again
took me about 16 solid years to go back to school. Going back to school as a grown-up was not
an easy decision to arrive at for several reasons: I was now a husband and a father with varied
social obligations. I painstakingly had to resign from my relatively gainful employment in order
to be able to study under conventional classroom schooling conditions.

The price tag to my going back to school was comparatively very high. But looking at the
prospective self-fulfillment that I was going to derive from my envisioned schooling project, I
cheerfully resolved to pay the price. After successfully attaining my schooling objective, I must
admit here that the fulfillment that comes with the accomplishment of a set goal is indescribable.
It is worth its weight in gold. The price is worth paying and paying again. There’s a great sense
of healthy self-pride that comes with the attainment of set goals. The attainment of set goals
helps to remind the goal achiever that he or she is fulfilling purpose in the journey of life.

At the time that this book is being written, I must admit that I have not become a formal graduate
that I would have loved to become, but sincerely, I am profoundly fulfilled that by grace, my
original dream of being able to read and write has been fully achieved.

The ability to be able to read and write may not be regarded by many people as an achievement
probably because they did not have to go through fights in order to obtain theirs. But for me,
acquiring reading and writing skills was like a camel having to go through the eye of a needle.
Being able to read and write is a great achievement for me in particular. It is so because in my
case, unlike other children of school going age of my generation, I did not have the opportunity
to learn how to read and write at the normal phase of age and under normal circumstances. My
being able to read and write today is a huge testimony of my victories over a plethora of
obstacles that had ganged up to hinder me from becoming a free citizen of the civilised world. I
have a very clear picture of where I would have been in the society if I did not take the bull by
its horns regarding my fights against illiteracy.

I ascribe this victory to God Almighty for the craving as well as the enabling power He granted
me throughout my long struggle to breakout from the shackle of illiteracy.

Chapter Two
My Struggle with Marriage

As a typical African, one major mark of maturity is the accession to matrimony. In my case, the
reverse was true. My accession to matrimony was far from being a mark of maturity. In my
personal opinion, it was rather a mark of immaturity. It was a serious mark of immaturity
because it happened at the phase of my life when I least expected nor was prepared for it. It
happened without any planning nor preparations.

My maiden marriage was born out of the arches of a premature pregnancy. It was a product of
my youthful exuberance. It happened due to the fact that I had prematurely put a young lady in
the family way. Neither my would-be “baby mama” nor I were ready for it at that juncture of our
lives in any sense. This was the fruit of the intimacy we had shared and were still sharing. But
unfortunately, we were not prepared for it. The harvest of our intimacy had rather become very-
very sour in our mouths. What an irony! What a paradox! Life was letting us know that you
cannot eat your cake and have it. It was a hard lesson. We had to learn it the hard way. We had to
look for ways and means on how to deal with the content of the “Pandora’s box” that we had
sadly opened for ourselves.

As the protagonist, the ball was largely in my court and my heart was in my mouth. My world
was spinning. My body was steadily getting numb. The uninvited vivid flashbacks of our time
in bed kept popping up and resulting in feelings of nausea in my stomach and snaking its way
up my throat. My head was pounding, and my armpit and hands were sweating profusely. It
was a first of its kind experience. Like every other first-time experience, my whole world came
crumbling. I grew pale and white overnight. I hated myself for being a disappointment first and
foremost to myself and then to my darling mum. She had been through a lot and her hopes for a
baill out from a life hedged by hardships were squarely reposed on me. I was supposed to be
her succour from her many years of struggle as a single mum. I remember how mean I felt for
not being the “good boy” I had always thought I was. The puzzle was indeed gigantic! In the
midst of all these mental and bodily tsunamis stemming from what had unfortunately become of
our lives, I still had to go to work and was expected to discharge my professional routines
accordingly. Besides having to discharge my daily professional duties, I still had to fulfill my
other daily obligations. This was too overwhelming for a 25-year-old who had no concrete
support system to fall back on. The experience was indeed too edgy for the young me.

One of the reasons why the torture was very severe is that, apart from my “partner in crime”, no
one else was privy of what was eating me up. The thought of confiding in anyone never even
crossed my mind. After all, I actually did not have anyone that I could consider as a parent figure
in my life except my dear mother. But sadly, we were hundreds of miles apart at that material
moment with no fast means of communication as is the case nowadays with the advent of mobile
telecommunication.

I must admit that in the midst of all these reflections, I actually felt that I merited my gruesome
experience. I merited it because I had dared to enjoy that which I was not yet fully ripe for. I
thought to myself, “what did I even expect?” What had happened to me was it not what every
young man or woman should expect when he or she attempts to indulge in the pleasures that
should only be enjoyed by people who are psychologically and materially ready for the adult
life?

Like the biblical “Prodigal Son”, my predicament had made me to come back to my right senses.
I could now see clearly that the pleasures that come with sexual intercourse are not cheap. Those
who set out to seek such pleasures, must be holistically ready to pay its price. There is a price tag
to the pleasure that comes with sex. I could now think straight. How I wished if the hands of
time could be turned! In my case, that wishful thinking could not be of any immediate help. It
could only be a lesson learned for future application. What was relevant for the moment, was
how to move forward. But what could be the way forward?

The Way Forward

The decision on how to effectively deal with this quagmire was a testing of my true character.
My decision was going to determine whether I was a hero or coward ? My decision on the way
forward was going to shape a lot about my destiny as well as that of my pregnant girlfriend and
the fetus she was carrying.
On the other hand, I did not know what must have been going on in my would-be “baby
mama’s” head. But I can imagine that she too was being subjected to similar mental and bodily
bombardments. I can imagine that her own world was equally spinning and resulting in similar
bodily reactions like mine. She must have been trying to figure out the new metamorphoses that
her life would be subjected to as a result of the new twist in her life. Considering that I had not
yet arrived at any decision on the possible way forward, I could also fathom that she must have
also been struggling under the heavy weight of that element of suspense. She must have been
wondering: Would he want me to keep the pregnancy? Or would he want that we eliminate it? If
the former is true, would he want to stick with me and our would-be baby in the process? Or
would he prefer that we go our separate ways? If the latter is true, what could be the chances of
my survival? Would it be safe or unsafe for my life? What if it turns out to be unsafe? I assume
that these might have been some of the thoughts that were bombarding my would-be “baby
mama.” But whatsoever the outcome, her life was no longer going to remain the same. The deal
has been tragically done. We had already eaten our cake and could not in any way have it back.

In spite of subjecting ourselves to all the mental and bodily tremors that emanated from this new
twist in our lives, the only thing that was going to bail us out of this trauma was the quality of the
decision to be made on the way forward.

The task of weaving this all-important way forward was directly incumbent on me in my
capacity as the man.

After painstakingly going through all the torturous process of reflecting on the gravity of what
had happened to us as well as the possible way out, the time was now ripe for a decision.
Whether we were mentally and materially ready or not was no longer a factor. The time for the
all-important decision was here. A decision on what to do with what had befallen us was
apparently going to be our immediate bail out.

Thank goodness, I finally made a decision on the way forward. Even though the decision was
still only in my head. It wasn’t an easy decision to arrive at though. Even though the decision
was still just in my head, I could already feel its soothing impact. The compensation that came
with the decision was a powerful tonic on my mind and body. I realised that once I finally put
my finger on the decision on the way forward with our predicament, my heart which had been in
my mouth for a very long time, slowly but steadily regained some stamina. My inner peace was
kind of restored. Even my physical body also began to experience some good degree of
equilibrium.

Benefitting from the comparative equilibrium that came with my making the decision on the
way forward for our lives vis-à-vis the “Pandora’s box” that we had sadly opened for ourselves,
I was now able to confidently face my would-be “baby mama.” The time of pondering and
talking to myself was over. In spite of my mental readiness to share my resolution on the matter
with her, I was still to a very large extent jittery on how its actual application would playout.

Finally, I succeeded in letting the cat out of the bag: I had my girlfriend invited over to my
place. When she did show up, our coming together this time around was very unusual. I realised
that our meeting that moment was like a summit of two enemy nations. It was not characterised
by the good emotions that usually accompany our encounters. Hitherto, our encounters would be
characterised by a lot of euphoria. Even though I am a typical clean freak and also a very
organised person, at this juncture, I had lost every sense of a very clean and organised host. It did
not mean a thing to me whether my room was cleaned and organised or not. All of my energy;
physical and mental was gone. Most often, when expecting her, I’ll meticulously ensure that my
bedroom is impeccably cleaned and organised to the teeth. And whenever she finally showsed
up, her presence would kind of light me up and add real colour to my entire environment and
life. She would be greeted with pecks, hugs, fresh, warm and very hot kisses, caresses, curdles,
you name the rest.

This time around, our coming together was very weird. It was devoid of life. Instead of the usual
light that our being together used to emit, this time was completely different. Our being together
was rather emiting heat. It was like a summit of two enemy nations. There was no place for the
usual decorum. I felt like I had committed the worst crime against everyone beginning with
myself. I felt personally very dirty, empty and worthless.

In that premise, after a lot of jittering, I finally mustered the needed courage and successfully
passed across my decision on our subject matter.
I started off with an apology for bringing upon us a misfortune that we had not bargained for. I
admitted that I fully understood the magnitude of the multi-faceted weight of what we had
unfortunately brought upon ourselves. I also confessed that I fully understood that I had the yam
and the knife in our present plight concerning the way forward. Building on that, I made her to
understand that the decision I had made might not be an ideal one, but that I believed that it was
the better of the devils.

I informed her that after my backwards and forwards reflections on what to do with our
unfavorable prevailing situation, I had painstakingly chosen that we should grow the pregnancy.
That if she did not mind, I would not only want to be the daddy to her unborn baby, but that I
would like to double as her husband.

That I was not imposing that decision on her. That she had the liberty to also reflect on the matter
and then tell me what she was her own decision. In response, she instantly welcomed my
decision. She commended it and said that my decision resonated with her exact expectation.
That she was beginning to regain some inner peace following the disclosure of my resolution.

This marked the debut of our new life even though there was still much to be looked into like
how were our both families going to take it?.

But where was this wisdom and strength that guided the choice of my decision drawn from? The
source of the wisdom and strength that guided me in my decision making on how to deal with
this life-changing occurrence in our lives was not immediate. It was remote.

It was remote because while reflecting on a way out in our crossroads scenario, my memory
toke me on a journey back to my childhood. In that flashback, I vividly remembered how as an
infant, I had made one solemn vow. Considering the misery and hardships that characterised my
childhood, I had made a vow to myself that when I eventually become a man, I would under no
circumstance allow neither a woman nor a child to be subjected to the kind of misery and
hardships that our mum and us were unfortunately subjected to due to their split. The flashback
of this vow also brought along with it the graphic memories of my very miserable childhood. It is
the graphic nature of this vow stemming from the memory of my painful childhood that guided
me on the quality of my decision in our dilemma.
Now that we had fortunately found a common ground on the way forward, the real puzzle now
was how to implement our decision. Now that we had agreed to grow the pregnancy and assume
our responsibilities towards our unborn baby and each other, the next phase of challenge was
how to spill it to our different parents?

The answers to these preoccupations were all blowing in the wind. There was no iota of doubt
that my sudden transition to the status of a husband and a dad at a go was definitely going to
mess up every plan that I had nursed for my future and for my darling mum.

My passion for a glorious future as well as my quest to becoming the shoulder that my mum
badly needed for the easing of her hardships was now slowly but surely slipping through my
fingers as a result of the new direction that my life was now headed at.

What about my would-be “baby mama”? How was this development going to impact the rest of
her own life? What about her own parents? How was she going to break the news to them? And
how were they going to take it? What was going to be their ruling on the matter? Was their
ruling going to be in our favour or disfavour?

The pending answers to these imaginations constituted our next challenge. But we were already
deep in the journey and could not retreat. We were bound to carry on with our plan. Therefore,
the need to inform our both families and carry on from there was imperative. We were obliged to
come up with a strategy on how to get the news across to them.

Considering that the yam and the knife were in my custody, I struggled and came up with an
operational plan: I was going to apply for my maiden annual leave from work in a bid to have
ample time to be able to shuttle between my village as well as that of my would-be “baby
mama.” This was done. I carefully ensured that my annual leave period fell within the end of
year festive season in the hope that the divinity of the season would have an appeasing effect on
our mission.

Fate was on our side. My annual leave majestically came in in the month of December and off
we were on our toes to go take the bull by the horns.
Our both parents and us were scattered in different distant parts of the country. We had to
undertake different trips in order to be able to meet and finally discuss with them in different and
far off destinations. First and foremost, I had to get the ball rolling with my own people.

Guess what! The signals I received from my loved ones like siblings and cousins were all
negative. Even though each of them was reached separately, none of them minced words on the
subject. They were all very adamant in their rejection of my decision. I was reminded of the fact
that even though I had unfortunately impregnated someone’s child, that the offense was not
proportionate with my decision to want to get married prematurely. I was made to know that I
was still very young and ill-prepared on all fronts for the institution of marriage. Their take on
the subject was bold and crystal clear.

On the other hand, my darling mum happened to have been the only exception that saw things
from my own perspective. After listening to my heart-wrenching story right to the end, even
though she was yet to give me her oral response, I could already clearly see the negative impact
of my story on her psychology. There was a mixture of empathy, disappointment, frustration and
hopelessness written all over her. She was completely deflated. When she finally responded,
her response was riddled with empathy, disappointment, and some strong motherly words of
encouragement. She made it clear that she was a little disappointed on two counts namely: That
I was still too young and naïve to get married. And that she was also disappointed because I was
going to get married to a complete “stranger”. That she would have loved that I get a wife from
among our people and from a family that she approves. But she quickly transitioned and
approved my decision on the matter. She assured me that she strongly believed that my decision
was an issue of the heart. She went further to say that her approval of my decision was based on
the fact that she believed in me and was convinced that I was right in the decision that I had
already taken.

After dwelling lengthily on the intricacies of the matter at hand for some days, she finally gave
me her motherly blessings. It was on the wings of that approval and blessings that my girl friend
and I finally embarked on the trip to her parents’ village, even though I was still very
concerned that I did not succeed to draw the rest of my loved ones to my side like was the case
with my mum.
While at my “baby mama” parents’, we were surprisingly given a hospitable reception. After
unveiling the purpose of our visit, to our utmost relief, her people did not show any visible signs
of disappointments and disapproval as was the case with my own people. They interestingly
saluted our courage on taking a much healthier decision on how to deal with the harvest of our
labour in spite of the fact that we were relatively very young.

We were given every treat reserved for a prospective couple. In addition to the august hospitality
accorded us in spite of the supposed shame we had brought on the family, we were properly
counselled on how to effectively go about with our new lives. We were also made to understand
that according to their customs, the question on our decision to be recognised as husband and
wife could only be tackled after the successful delivery of our unborn baby.

We also received their endorsement for our eventual co-habitation as we awaited the eventual
coming of our unborn baby.

The acceptance accorded us in that state associated with some solid parental guidance, came
along with a huge therapeutic effect on our psyche.

Being emboldened by the positive attitudes of my mum and my “baby mama’s” people, that
helped us to also fit into the spirit of Christmas and new year that season.

Thank goodness we had a deserved festive season with loved ones marking the end of our
vacation and thereafter, we travelled back to the city in very high moods.

My mum and “baby mama’s” people’s attitude was the drug that we badly needed for our much-
needed healing as well as our survival in our newly acquired status as expectant parents.

While back to base, my “baby mama” readily moved in with me following the endorsement of
our people. Our approved concubinage was on course. Truth be told; cohabitation was not as
easy as we had thought. Before now, her coming over for a night at mine was something we
looked up to with a lot of glamour. Based on that experience, we did not imagine that our
cohabitation could constitute some challenge. Far from that, our living together now proved us
wrong. As our cohabitation grew older, we started experiencing the kind of frictions that
normally happens in relationships due to personal differences on a range of issues like;
differences in likes and dislikes, temperaments, opinions, choices, etc.

The transition was tougher than we had thought, but we were determined. We were also willing
to quickly learn how to understand each other in order to better fit into each person’s life. After
all, living together for a life-time was the life mission we had embarked on. No retreat, no
surrender was now our tacit mantra. We were sincerely bent on succeeding with our lives as a
couple.

Besides the frictions of learning how to live together, we were also grappling with the raw reality
of having to cope with relying on my already very insufficient purchasing power for our daily
upkeep. My revenue at that juncture was nothing to write home about. But here was I, bent to
carry the weight of a responsible husband and dad. I must have been too daring or unrealistic to
the reality of the responsibilities that I had brought upon myself.

It did not take too long for the adverse effects of my new life to begin to show up in almost every
aspect of my life. One of the immediate effects was my drastic loss of physical weight. This was
partly due to the fact that I was not longer able to eat well. The same monthly financial budget
that was usually dedicated for my personal daily upkeep was now shared with my companion
who was now entirely dependent on me.

Also, the amount for my monthly single bedroom rents had doubled because I needed and had
moved into an independent bedroom of my own after the dead of my host kins man-Richard.
Prior to then, I used to share a single bedroom with Richard. But not too long before the change
of my status, he fell sick and unfortunately did not make it. But even if he survived, we still had
to split houses because I was now a family man and needed an independent living space. He too
was already on his way to getting married. Richard’s sudden death was pretty unfortunate not
only for us as a family, but particularly for me. His demise was another hard nut for me to
crack. He was like my parent in the city of Douala. In fact, he brought me to Douala, got me my
job, and we shared the same bedroom until his dead. Thus, his death was a huge blow to my
survival in Douala on several fronts. Richard’s death opened my eyes to see how transient life
was. His death left me with an emptiness that lingered on for a very long time because our bond
was too strong and had been built right from our childhood. Richard died in his late twenties full
of life, a true debonaire, full of ambitions, hopes, with a promising career, with plans to get
married and build his own family. But death did not consider all of the above. Death despised all
of the above and snashed Richard from us very early and [Link]’s been several years that he
prematurely left us but I still feel the pain of his death and the vacuum that his death left in me at
the prime of his life. Adieu my darling Richie!

The Good, Bad, and Ugly Sides of Cohabitation or Living Together

Living together either as a couple or not is a vital part of real life that should be considered and
treated with the importance it deserves. Although living together like every other worthwhile life
endeavour has never been an easy sail, living together as a couple can even be more demanding.
Although sharing one’s life with another can be more demanding, it should in no wise ever be
regarded nor treated as a burden. It is an aspect of our social responsibility and should be
regarded and treated as such. It needs to be so because sharing one’s life with a conjugal partner
should be mutually beneficial to each party. It should be deemed as a responsibility instead of a
burden because unlike living together with one’s blood family, living together as a couple is far
from being mandatory; it comes with the consent of the two parties involved. And any
commitment or engagement that comes with the consent of the stake holders involved should be
celebrated and executed with passion, delight, tenecity, enthusiasm, focus, determination,
courage, zeal and zest right to the end of its tunnel. That which comes by choice should be
enjoyed and treated as an honour, rather than a burden or misfortune. One should be proud for
exhibiting an acceptable level of emotional and social intelligence in sharing his or her life with
their partner. In order to smoothly cohabit, each party must be willing and determined to
be a value adding agent to his or her partner’s life. It is utterly unhealthy when the
responsibilities that come with sharing life together are intentionally or unintentionally left to
weigh on one party. When that becomes a norm, rest assured that in the short or long run, it
would boomerang. Most often, this is a major cause that leads to burnouts in conjugal unions
when not detected and corrected on time. When the responsibilities associated with a marital
union are allowed to overweigh on one party, it unfortunately tends to be a burden rather than
pleasure. Therefore, it is an acute display of lack of social and emotional intelligence to be lazy
in contributing one’s quota of responsibilities in relationship management in general and in a
marital union in particular .
In fact, marital bliss is a direct product of mutual commitment in the discharge of one’s
marital obligations. What obtains in a corporate contract might have been emulated from an
ideal marital covenant. A corporate contract contains responsibilities and privileges. This is
supposed to be the norm in every marital union. Why? Because where one has not sown nor
invested, he or she is not qualified to reaping any related benefits. The benefits of a union are
supposed to be the direct product of the couple’s joint inputs because where your treasure is
found, your heart will fully be there as well. On the contrary, where you don’t have any
valuables, or assets, material, financial, or otherwise, your heart may fully not be there because
you surely do not have anything worth to protecting or losing. In any transanction, or in the
journey of life in general, if there is a party that has nothing to lose, that is a pointer that he or
she is a very dangerous element to do business with.

When one party becomes deficient in the discharge of his or her marital obligations for any
reason, it has to be a major cause for concern because if that deficiency goes on for a long
period, the sustenance of that union starts weighing on one party. If this drags on for too long
undetected and intelligently corrected, the responsible spouse consciously or unconsciously
begin to experience the effects of wear and tear physically and psychologically. And when this
experience is also not detected and corrected on time, the responsible party would slowly but
steadily breakdown. When the lone responsible spouse breaks down, the couple no longer have
control over the wellbeing of their once thriving union.

Therefore, the healthy way to go in guaranteeing a successful union is for each party to know
that a successful marital union demands the joint efforts of the couple involved. Marriage
counseling should be able to lay a solid foundation in this regard. In the same vein, anyone
desiring to get married must know that marital success goes hand in glove with the effective
discharge of its personal obligations. As such, anyone not willing to comply with their personal
marital responsibilities should not dare get into marriage except he or she is ready for an
unsuccessful union.

Looking at marriage from the lenses of my 14 years’ maiden marital scenario, my appraisal is
that some apparent successful marriages are not as successful as they seem. They may look
successful on the outside, but the reality is that they are simply cosmetic. Behind the scenes, such
marriages are a huge mess. Why? Probably because the foundation was not properly laid. Or
because along the line, one or both parties consciously or unconsciously failed in fully assuming
their respective marital roles.

Emotional and Social Intelligence in Marriage

As earlier stated above, cohabitation is part and parcel of real life. It may occur with one’s blood
loved ones, or with a spouse, or with a friend, an acquaintance, a colleague, classmate, or just
with any fellow human being either by personal choice or imposed by life circumstances. Why?
Because life is highly people centred. No one can effectively live his or her life in issolation.
One of God’s objectives in creation was so that humankind should have fellowship with
him and with each other. Looking at life from the creator’s point of view, it is incumbent on
every living person to intentionally cultivate and develop the intelligence needed to smoothly
relate with the creator as well as with other members of the society.

But how to make this real-life experience mutually beneficial to both parties is something that
must be considered and treated with the solemnity that it deserves. The ability to smoothly live
with another or others is a strong mark of social and emotional intelligence. If this is true,
then everyone who wants to effectively live with people, needs to come to the place where he or
she realises the need to take personal responsibility in sharpening their emotional and social
intelligence.

Living together as a couple can be very mutually beneficial when each party sees their stay with
their spouse as an opportunity to personally consolidate their bond and add value to their
relationship. It can be a win-win deal when each party is intentionally open enough to his or her
partner in a bid to enhance their acquaintance with each party’s likes and dislikes. Living
together can be very smooth when there is mutual respect. The ability to respect someone for
who he or she is, can be a healthy weapon that has the potency of spurring , stimulating, or
bringing out a desired virtue in him or her. In order for smooth cohabitation to occur, each
party has to be able to perceive that his or her partner is adding some real value to his or her life.
Whenever a spouse continues to see that his or her partner is of real value to his or her life, rest
assured that you are in for a real deal. This is not an assumption nor a utopia. There’s no way you
can continue to affect a person’s life either positively or negatively and the beneficiary party
would afford to continue to pretend that he or she does not feel the impact. The beneficiary party
may not be sensitive to the positive effects of the inputs of his or her spouse for a while, but not
in the long run. One’s healthy inputs in the life of their spouse is usually an investment that
always comes with proportionate dividends. If your inputs are not adding value to your
spouse’s precious life, then be guaranteed that in the long run, your spouse would suffer
burnouts. And whenever one party begins to experience burnouts in a relationship, it’s a yellow
card that can easily be converted into a red one if the cause or causes are not immediately
detected and intelligently managed. Why? Because no right thinking farmer will continue to put
in their farming know-how and resources in a piece of farm land that has continuosly chosen to
be unproductive.

The ideal remedy against a bumpy cohabitation begins with the understanding that sharing your
life with your partner comes with shared responsibilities. If sharing one’s life with another
entails the sharing of responsibilities, then the couple have the joint obligations of working as
a team in order to achieve their set goal. Each party in a marital union has the duty of
cheerfully bearing their share of the responsibilities that a union demands if they look
forward to enjoying a smooth marriage. The inputs meant to keep the flames of a conjugal
union aglow must not be allowed to overweigh on one party.

Note should be taken here that it does not only take material and financial contributions to add
value to your partner’s life. It importantly includes material and financial contributions, but most
importantly, it cuts across every aspect of life. Remember, earlier on, I made mention of open
communication that gives room to easy familiarisation of the likes and dislikes of each party!
Acquainting oneself with the likes and dislikes of one’s spouse is usually meant to help aeach
party to be intentionally armed with what it takes to be able to add relevant value to their
spouse’s life. Therefore, the responsibilities of adding relevant value to one’s spouse’s life cuts
across. Discharging one’s marital roles shouldn’t be a sort of competition where each party is
trying to out- shine the other. Intstead, the acceptance and discharge of one’s marital roles
should be aimed at rendering your living together successful. One’s inputs for the furtherance of
their union should consist of each party taking primary responsibilities in the areas where he or
she has the relevant competences and then backing up their partner where and when need arises
so that they succeed like a team. It shouldn’t be the case where if one party falls short in playing
his or her role for one reason or the other, the other party should fold their arms and watch as if
it doesn’t concern him or her. The acceptance and dicharge of one’s marital roles should be done
just like what obtains in a football team where each teammate is assigned to and is fully in
charge of their wing based on his or her competence (uniqueness) vis-à-vis the team’s common
goal (victory). Just like in a football team, even though each player is assigned to a particular
wing based on their competence or uniqueness, he or she is not expected to fold their arms and
watch without trying to assist the other teammates when need arises in a bid to guarantee team
victory. In marriage like in a football team, if a player repeatedly remains deficient in the
discharge of their assigned role, their deficiency if not detected and aptly corrected timeously,
such a weakness emanating from that particular player, will certainly begin to have a serious toll
on the overall performance of the whole team.

Learning to smoothly live together is a real-life strength that every party needs for the
sustainable success of their union. The ability to smoothly function with your spouse in spite of a
myriad of differences is a great mark of maturity, social and emotional intelligence. Anyone
with competences in interpersonal relationship, is someone with great potential in building a
successful union.

Sharing your life smoothly with another person does not occur naturally. Unlike the emotional
and obssessive feelings that usually trigger romantic love between two members of the opposite
sex, living together as a coouple demands intentional personal efforts. It demands knowing your
spouse’s “needs” and taking practical steps in meeting those “needs.” Meeting your spouse’s
social and other needs does not just happen automatically. Experience have proven that when a
couple is intellectually, spiritually, emotionally, socially and physically compatible and
complementary, their compatibility and complementarianism becomes the fuel or lubricant that
enhances their marital as well as life’s journey together. On the other hand, a couple with
contradictory value systems as well as life goals would certainly suffer from a lot of
disagreements in their living togeter endeavour. The qualities that keep a couple together
happily are usually not the initial emotional and obssessive feelings of romantic love that usually
orchestrates the coming together of a couple. Research indicates that the average life span of the
“in love” obssession is two years. Therefore, what guarantees a successful marital union is
usually the intellectual, emotional, social, spiritual and physical compatibility and
complementarianism of the couple.

No matter how much feelings of romatic love that you feel towards your partner, if you are
compatibly and complementarialy defficient, know that that is a factor that can easily inhibit
your capacity to being sensitive to as well as meeting each other’s conjugal needs. Therefore,
in addition to the strong feelings of romantic love towards a spouse, the key determinant of a
potential successful marital union is usually a good percentage of compatibility and
complementarianism between the couple.

A couple who are not compatible and complementary to a good extent will definitely have to
work very hard to be able to smoothly live together. The good side of this coin is that with the
help of open communication between a couple and the willingness to learn, a couple can
effectively work and surmount their compatibility and complementarianism deficiencies.

Managing Disagreements in Marriage

The occurrence of disagreements among two people is very natural and normal in life.
Disagreements among a couple is not a red flag that you have married the wrong person. The
occurrence of disagreements among a couple is simply an affirmation that the couple are
humans. The human being by nature is very greedy and due to this our natural disposition,
we tend to assume that our ideas are always the best. But what we fail to recognise is that our
spouse has the same opinion about their own ideas and perceptions. The truth is that your
spouse’s logic will never automatically agree with yours and vice versa. Our ideas and
perceptions of life are influenced by our history, our values, and our [Link] factors
(our histories, values, and personalities) are different for everyone .

The truth here is that the emergence of disagrements in a relationship can be managed either
positively or negatively depending on the emotional, social, and spiritual intelligence of the
parties involved. Where you find disagreements being resolved in a friendly manner in a
relationship, it doesn’t happen haphazardly or by luck. The smooth resolution of disagreements
in a relationship demands the engagement of real emotional, social, and spiritual intelligence.
On the contrary, when a couple are emotionally, socially, and spiritual deficient, it becomes very
difficult for them to resolve their disagreements in a friendly or intelligent manner .

In order to be able to intelligently resolve relationships related disagreements, the couple

involved should begin by being willing to accept the reality that as two different human beings,
they are inclined to experiencing disagreements as they share their lives together. As eaelier
stated in the preceding conversation, disagreements among a couple is not a sign that you
have married the wrong person. The occurrence of disagreements among a couple is
simply an affirmation that the two of you are humans.

The negative effect of disagreements in a reletionship is that they have the capacity to destroy
your moment, your day, your week, your month, your year, and even your entire lifetime if not
intelligently addressed as soon as possible. On the other hand, disagreements also have the
potential of teaching us how to effectively love, support, and encourage each other.

Therefore, the healthy way to go in managing a disagreement in a relationship lies in the

couple’s willingness and determination to intentionally acquire the emotional, social, and
spiritual intelligence needed to help them understand that the grace to be able to hold a calm
and friendly dialogue over a disagreement can be a very solid foundation for a possible bail out
from any point of discord among themselves. Dialogue becomes effective when each party is
freely willing to listen to the other more than they are willing to talk. The intelligence to be
willing to keenly listen to an offended or offensive party is a very important step that can
easily set a healthy foundation for the resolution of a conflict. A healthhy dialogue always have
the capacity of helping both parties in a conflict situation to be able to adequately understand
each party’s point of view. When each party’s point of view has been clearly passed across and
well understood, it then paves the way for a healthy compromise (s) or a win- win deal for the
two.

The Three Ways of Conflict Resolution

1. Meeting in the Middle: Here, the couple after having effectively listened and understood
themselves,will amicably agree to make some self-sacrifices towards meeting each
 party’s need in a manner that no one comes out as a winner nor a loser in regard to
their discussed points of divergence.
2. Meeting On Your Side: Meeting on your side in conflict resolution entails that after the
couple have exhaustively carried out a healthy dialogue on their respective subjects of
disagreement, one party freely and amicably decides to give up on his or her own right on
the particular subject matter in order to see to it that his or her partner’s need or objective
is jointly achieved.
3. Meeting Later: Meeting later in conflict management happens when a couple have had a
smooth dialogue on a point of discord but one party is not yet ready to either strike a win-
win compromise nor is flexible to completely give in to meeting his or her partner’s need
or goal for the meantime. Here, the parties try to amicably agree in order to disagree.
The main objective in conflict management should be the cration of a friendly
atmosphere or environment by keenly listening to each other and affirming each party’s
perspective rather than accusing each other of illogical thinking.
When we learn to affirm each other’s ideas and look for solutions, then we have
acquired what it takes to effectively process the normal conflicts in a marriage
relationship and learn how to work together as a team.
Apology and Forgiveness in Marriage
Learning to apologise when you realise that you have wronged your spouse as well as
learning how to forgive your spouse when he or she sincerely tenders an apology over an
offense he or she has committed against you constitutes two major pillars for building
and maintaining a healthy relationship.
What is Forgiveness?
Forgiveness means different things to different people but generally involves the willful
putting aside of feelings of resentment towards someone who has committed a wrong,
been unfair or hurtful, or otherwise harmed you in some way. Forgiveness is not a
feeling but a decision. To forgive means to pardon an offender’s wrongdoings. It is a
decision to offer grace instead of demanding justice.
In a relationship, when one of you speaks or behaves unkindly towards the other, it erects
an emotional barrier that stands between the two of you and calls for a sincere apology
 from the offender. When the offender tenders a sincere apology to the offended, it can
help to pave the way for genuine forgiveness.
Without the a genuine engagement of the this process in a bid to remove the erected
barrier, the passage of time alone won’t be able to remove the barrier.
Emotional barriers can only be removed by the engagement of a genuine apology coming
from the offender and a sincere pardon from the offended. Forgiveness from the
offended will open the possibility for the relationship to grow.
Four Things That Forgiveness Cannot Do
1. Forgiveness does not destroy the forgiver’s memory. Why? Because the forgiver is
human and has a conscious and subconscious mind. The human mind has the capacity to
saving or registering past events in the sub- conscious mind and these registered events
can always flow back to the conscious mind. But like forgiveness which is a product of a
decision, the forgiver have the power to decide how to treat the remembrance of issues
that come back to his or her conscious mind from his or her sub conscious mind.
2. Forgiveness does not remove all the consequences of wrongdoings. For example, if an act
of wrongdoing had led to the loss of one of the limps of the offended, no quality of
forgiveness will have the competence to restore the lost limp.
3. Forgiveness does not automatically rebuild trust. The rebuilding of trust is earned with
time when a forgiven party repeatedly shows proof of an attitude of openess and a
consistent pattern of honesty. Without a genuine attitude of openess and a consistent
pattern of honesty from the offender party in a relationship, it would be difficult for trust
to be rebuilt.
4. Forgiveness does not always result in reconciliation but it can open the possibility for
reconciliation.

What if the Person Who Offended You is Not Willing To Apologise?

The most positive approach that an offended party can take in attempt to break such a
stalemate is to lovingly confront his or her partner with his or her offense and hope that they
will apologise and be forgiven. If your first attempt fails, you can go the extra mile to make a
second and even a third attempt because of the value you attach to your relationship: An apology
says, “ I value this relationship, and I want to deal with this problem.” The refusal to apologise
says, I do not value this relationship, and it’s okay with me if we continue to be estranged.” You
cannot force an apology but you you can extend the olive branch and express your willingness
to forgive. If, in the end, your partner is still unwilling to play his or her role in eliminating the
emotional barrier that stands between your relationship, you may then release them to God and
also release your hurt and anger to God. Don’t allow their unwillingness to deal with the problem
to destroy your precious life. After all, it takes two people to build a functional relationship.

There are no healthy relationships without the two persons involved willing to be able to
sincerely apologise and solicit for genuine forgiveness when they realise that they’ve hurt their
partner.

Rebuilding Broken Trust In a Relationship

Trust is simply that gut-level confidence that someone is a person of [Link] is broken in
a relationship through acts of unfaithfulness from one or both parties. Trust is destroyed when
one or both parties fail to keep their commitments towards one or each other. Broken trust can be
rebuilt when the unfaithful party or parties begin to do the things that they said they will do as
well as being open and overboard in all their dealings towards each other. When you grant your
partner full permission to be able to examine every detail of your life, it gives him or her the
assurance that you no longer have anything to hide from him or her. It assures your partner that
your commitment to change is sincere. In that way, you give him or her the possibility of
rebuilding their trust in you. Thus, forgiveness alone does not rebuild trust. However, it does
open the possibilty that trust can be rebuilt.

In order to facilitate and speed up the process of rebuilding broken trust, the offender party
should be willing to freely grant his or her partner full permission to be able to examine every
aspect of his or her life.

Some indicators of emotional and social intelligence in cohabitation include:

-The assurance that your inputs are adding relevant value to your partner’s life.

-The assurance that you are an asset and not a liability in your partner’s life.
-The assurance that your spouse in the short or long run acknowledges that you are a value
adding agent in his or her life.

Attribution of Marital Roles

One of the mistakes that would-be couples must not commit is the failure to agree on how to
share the responnsibilities that come with living together.

In the contempoary society, the husband and wife are most often both breadwinners ( career,
vocational, business personalities). And because each of them is not a typical stay at home
spouse, it becomes tricky on how the responsibilities associated with home management will
have to be addressed. If such a would-be couple fail to agree on who will have to do what in
order to guarantee the day-to-day smooth functioning of their union, then they should also be
ready to deal with the consequences that will inevitably arise when clear roles are not defined in
the realisation of any given project. Marriage comes with lots and lots of responsibilities as well
as some rights. In order to achieve a smooth marriage, the couple in question must be ready to
clearly spell out and attribute among themselves the different functions on which their union
will thrive. The establishment of marital roles or functions as well as the attribution of the said
roles to each spouse in accordance to their respective competences, gives the couple a clear
picure of what their union will look like if each party effectively plays their roles and backs up
their teammate where and when the need arises.

Tips On How To Determine Who Does What In A Marital Union

After having agreed that failure to define and agree on who will do what in order to guarantee the
day-to-day smooth functioning of your union before you go into marriage is agreeing to get into
a union that will be plagued with disfunctionalities. It’s also very important to establish the fact
that in order for these roles to be able to serve theie intended purpose, it’s incumbent on the
would-be couple to jointly negotiate on which roles best fits who. In order for each party to be
able to bring on board their best in the smooth functioning of their marital union, there are
factors to be keenly examined before attributing roles to each party. The following constitute the
said factors:

1. Parental Models: How a spouse was raised by his or her parents has an important influence
on what he or she will want to experience in their own union. For example, if the lady grew
up in a home where she saw her dad always involved in kitchen work, the tendecy is that she
may tend to expect her husband to also be kitchen inclined. If her father used to be the person
incharge of making up the bed every morning, her tendecy will be to expect her husband to
assume such a role in their own union. If her father was the person solely responsible for
providing for his family even though her mum also had a steady source of revenue, rest
assured that she’ll expect the same thing from her husband, and so on and so forth.

On the other hand, if the gentleman grew up in a home where the mum was the sole person
that did the kitchen management for the family even though his dad and mum were not a sit
at home couple, the tendecy will be for him to expect his wife to be the lone kichen manager
in their own union. If the mum was single handedly responsible for cleaning the house,
washing clothes, and also contributed financially in the smooth running of their family, rest
assured that the guy will likely expect the wife to naturally assume such roles.

2. Personal Philosophy of Maleness and Femaleness: A person’s religious, cultural, and

educational beliefs can equally have a huge influence on how they view a man and a
woman’s role in marriage. Therefore, in order to come up with a functional style on how you
will both manage your lives together, this factor must not be taken for granted. It should be
thoroughly looked into so that it provides a guide on how you should negotiate on who will
be in charge of which role in the day-to-day running of your marital enterprise.
3. What are You Each Good At? Who is good at what is also a very good determinant that
can influence roles assignment in a marital union. The likelihood is that even if you both are
very compatible on all fronts, there will still be aspects that one person has an edge over the
other. Therefore, if you both are compatitle in almost every aspect, it will still be to your
mutual advantage to examine the different areas of your strengths so that roles are assigned
in relation to who is best at what. That way, the discharge of your different roles become like
 what happens in a football team where the team has a common objective but each player is
assigned to the specific wing where the excell most.
4. Likes and Dislikes: Making sure that we get to know the likes and dislikes of each other has
a serious influence on how to assign marital roles. It’s more easy to do what you like than
doing what you don’t like. In marriage, a spouse should only assume a role that he or she
doesn’t like in the case where there are roles that happen not to be one of the “likes” of each
of them. If in your ”who will do what” master list, there are roles that neither of you will
enjoy playing, then obviously, one of you should opt to sacrificially assume the role in order
to avoid creating gaps in the smooth functioning of your marital union. The person who opts
to play this role even though he or she may not have all what it takes to effectively deliver
the desired results in that wing, may soon discover that his or her love to see their marriage
succeed has become a huge motivation to him or her in sacrificially playing that role.
However, considering each other’s likes and dislikes should be a major guide in determining
the attribution of marital roles.
If a would-be couple truly seeks to build a functional marital union, then during courtship,
they must jointly establish a marital to-do list. Thereafter, each person should have the liberty
to use the established master list to choose their share of primary roles that they will be
willing to discharge in the day-to-day effective functioning of their union.
After the primary roles have been freely taken by each person from the master list, if there
are any roles untaken for any reason, you then jointly look at them. Have a discussion on
what determined your choice for your primary roles as well as why the others have been left
out. Considering that the objective of establishing a to-do list for your marriage is aimed at
building a healthy functional union, the both of you should have the obligation to negotiate
on how the remaining roles will be managed. That way, you both are set to building a
marriage that will succeed with less room for conflicts because the gaps that should attract
future conflicts have all been blocked.
One major pointer to a marriage that will succeed is the ability of the would-be couple
to be able to agree on who will do what in their would-be marriage. Why? Because if you
can agree before marriage, then you will be able to agree in the marriage proper.
 As your marrage matures, if there are healthy reasons to renegotiate on your roles, the two of
you should be flexible to do that because you both already know the importance of
negotiation and how to negotiate and agree amicably.

Plan for Managing Your Money As a Couple

One major source or cause of conflict in marriage can be money. In order to eliminate or
minimise that, it’s imperative that a would-be couple should ensure that they get to frankly
know themselves financially and get to agree on how they will handle their money when they
become husband and wife. Any failure to knowing yourselves financially during your courtship
and agreeing on a solid plan on how you will manage your money when you get married, is
likely an indication that money will become a battlefield in your union. Thoroughly knowing
yourselves financially will demand that each of you freely disclose your existing sources of
revenue, investments or projected areas of investments, present your state of indebtedness, as
well as a plan or strategy of debt clearance, respective spending plan, etc.

Financial Unity:

If you don’t want money handling to become a battlefield in your union as is usually the case in
any marriage where there is no clear cut agreement on money management, then you both must
endeavour to come up with a clear and harmonious plan on how you intend to manage your
money as a couple.

The ideal thing to do that will enhance your unity as husband and wife is to agree that when you
marry, it will no longer be “ my money” and “ your money” but our money.

It will not longer be “ my investments/ projects” or “ your investments/ projects” but our
investments/ projects. It will no longer be “ my debts” or “ your debts” but our debts. It will no
longer be “ my expenditures” or “ your expenditures” but our expenditures.

The implication of this financial union is that when you finally become one, your savings,
earnings, investments/ projects, debts, expenditures, etc equally become one. A would-be couple
that is able to come up with such a clear financial union plan is a couple who is poised to
achieving more together with little or no skirmishes.

Mutual Sexual Satifaction in Marriage

Sex is a physical as well as an emotional activity involving intimate contact, typically between
two persons of the opposite sex, that involves the stimulation of the genitalia , often with the goal
of achieving sexual pleasure or reproduction. It encompasses a range of behaviours and practices
and should be an expression of love, desire, or a way of building intimacy and connection
between a couple.

Sex is an intimate act between a couple. Sex is a bonding agent between a couple. It unites a
couple in the most intimate sense. It is not just the joining of two bodies. It’s the union of body,
soul, and spirit. Sex is not only a means of relieving one’s sexual tensions or experiencing a
sexual pleasure. It is a unique bonding agent between a couple.

But for sex to be mutally satisfying to the couple, it has to flow from a very loving relationship.
It has to be viewed as an act of love that expresses in the deepest possible way the spouses’
commitment towards each other.

In order to guarantee mutual sexual fulfillment, it is imperative that during courtship, the couple
to-be should have a talk-over on their sexual likes and dislikes. This very important exchange
between the two should at all costs include their sexual histories. It’s true that the disclosure of
sexual histories in some cases may not go down well as it may evoke the feelings that the part of
your would-be spouse that ought to have been solely reserved for you has sadly already been
over explored and exploited by others. But truth be told, it’s better to disclose and discover this
part of your history as well as that of your spouse during courtship than in the marriage proper.
Disclosing and discovering it at this stage of your relationship also opens you both up to the
possibility of knowing if you would be able to accept him or her with such a past and eventually
receive the healing needed from any emotional wound or not if there would be any. Being able
to frankly face the reality of your would-be spouse’s sexual history no matter how hurting it may
seem, also has the potential of laying a healthier foundation for mutual sexual fulfillment if you
both eventually get married.
But if the hurting party after coming to terms with the frank sexual history of his or her would-be
partner strongly thinks that he or she would not be able to overcome his or her hurt, that will be
unfortunate. But it’s far better than going into a marital union that does not guarantee mutual
sexual satisfaction.

Therefore, talking it over on your mutual sexual satisfaction before and during marriage should
be treated with the solemnity that it deserves because it will definitely go a long way in
guaranteeing mutual sexual satifaction in your marriage.

Genital Hygiene

The importance of genital hygiene cannot be overemphasised because it can either make or mar
a couple’s overall health and ultimately their precious lives.

Reseach has established that there are about 20 million new STD infections each year in the
United States of America. And that there are about 20 types of STDs spread by sexual contact.
What is true for the U.S. in this context, is true for the rest of the world.

There’s no denying that everybody wants to stay alive and healthy as well as see their loved
ones do same. Genital hygiene or the prevention of infections can be a good start.

Therefore, knowing how infections are spread and learning how to prevent them is a life-saving
responsibility for any human being and particularly if you intend to share your precious body
and life with another or others through sexual intercourse.

Keeping the genitals clean keeps infections away and prevents the spread of sexually transmitted
diseases as well.

A proper understanding of genital hygiene is the first step towards a healthy reproductive and
sex life.

The genitals are a part of your reproductive organs endowed with a natural hygiene mechanism
but as a person, you must know what to do and effectively do it in synergy with your natural
hygiene mechanism in order to bar the way for infections.
Failure to maintaining a proper genital hygiene can turn your genitals to becoming the way-in
and way-out for infections, some of which are unfortunately not curable.

The genitals constitute one of God’s amazing gift for the purpose of sexual pleasure,
consolidation of intimacy between a couple, as well as reproduction.

But if you fail to actively and effectively play your role in keeping the genitals clean and healthy,
you’ll unfortunately thwart its original purpose and unfailingly have to face the unpleasant
consequences, some of which can cost your life as well as that of your partner and your unborn
baby/ babies.

Keeping the Female Genitals Clean

 The genital area should be cleaned with soap and clean water once every day with a mild
and fragrance free soap.
 Cleaning the genital just once every day and after sexual intercourse is quite enough.
Anything more or less may disturb your vaginal pH.
 The genitalia or vagina does not require cleaning, especially with soap. This area is
endowed with the good bacteria such as lactobacilli that produces lactic acid to destroy
any harmful organisms. Washing may disrupt this pH resulting in the entry of unwanted
infectious organisms.
 Always clean the vulva or genital area before the anal region to prevent the entry of
harmful organisms from the anus into the genitals.
 While cleaning your genital area with tissue or even while wiping it dry with a towel,
always pat-dry and then go from front to back with a single stroke. This prevents
contamination of the genitals with organisms from the anus that are known to cause
urinary tract infections among others.
 Avoid cleaning your genitals with hot or warm water, as doing so may result in dryness
and irritation. Using a hand-held shower and some fresh water is always recommended
for this purpose.
General Genital Hygiene Considerations:
  Do not share your undergarments, towels or washcloths, and sponges with others.
Always wash these items immediately after use instead of leaving them in the laundary,
particularly when suffering from any infections of the genitals like vaginal thrush. Follow
a strict one time use policy for these items.
 Toilet hygiene: The toilet if not effectively and permanently kept clean can become a
good breeding ground for genital related infections. Therefore, in order to prevent your
toilet from being a source of harmful organisms for your genital health, it’s imperative to
always ensure that the toilet is safe for your health before and after use. A clear after-use
toilet hygiene policy must be established by the couple as well as any other user in a bid
to steer clear from any hazards that can result from using an unclean toilet.
 Use only cotton and loose fitting underwear. While loose fitting underwear lowers
perspiration and the transmission of harmful organisms from the anal region to the
genitals, cotton underwear keeps the genital area dry by absorbing sweat and drying more
quickly.
 Avoid spraying perfumes, deodorants, and other cosmetics around your genital area.
 Regular gynaecological check-ups, are important.

Genital Hygiene During Menstruation

 You may follow the same genital hygiene routine as mentioned above even during your
periods.
Normal Mentrual Cycle: Washing your genitals 1-2 times a day while you menstruate is
still enough.
 Make sure to change the sanitary napkins every six hours or before if soaked.
 Using cotton and fragrance free sanitary pads is recommended.

Some Effective Ways to Maintaining Men’s Genital Hygiene

Good hygiene and safe practices are key to preventing infections and maintaining overall health.
Any form of deficiency in being a personal practitioner of good hygiene and safe health
practices does not only expose an individual to health hazards that can be life-threatening, but
also jeopardises an individual’s spouse’s health as well as poses a real threath on their precious
life.

Therefore, everybody who seeks to share their body with another, must also be willing and
determined to assume personal responsibility in ensuring that he or she does everything within
their power to be able to bar the way to practices that can expose their health and life to the
dangers associated with inhygienic practices.

Some effective ways to maintaining good hygiene and safe practices that are key to upping
men’s genital hygine include:

1. Regular Washing: Wash the genital area daily with mild soap and water. Avoid
using harsh soaps or scented products that can irritate the skin.
2. Proper Drying: After washing, dry the area thoroughly to prevent moisture
buildup, which can encourage bacterial or fungal growth.
3. Wear Breathable Clothing: Choose underwear made from breathable materials
like cotton. Avoid tight-fitting clothes that can trap moisture and heat.
4. Practise Safe Sex: Ensure that you and your spouse are tested periodically for
infections. In case of infidelity, make sure you use protection barriers-condoms.
5. Maintain Good General Health: A healthy immune system helps prevent
infections. Eat balanced diet, exercise reggularly, and avoid excessive alcohol
and drug use.
6. Avoid Sharing Personal Items: Don’t share towels, razors, or other personal
items that could spread infections.
7. Regular Check-Ups: Have regular health check-ups with a health care provider,
especially if you have multiple partners or engage in high-risk behavious.
8. Be Ware of Symptoms: If you notice any unusual symptoms such as itching,
discharge, or sores, seek medical advice promptly.

Back to my maiden experience of cohabitation with my would-be “baby mama”, it is worthy to

admit here that ours was indeed a baptism of fire. It did not take long for the weight of such a
responsibility to begin to show in almost every area of my precious life. Even though the task
was daunting and my material resources were very limited, I did not allow my material
limitations to determine the limits of the quality of our cohabitation. Not one bit. I was bent on
being a veritable spouse to my “baby mama” and a great dad to our unborn baby. Even though
along the way, reality repeatedly proved that my will-power alone was not enough to carry
through with the duties of living together as a couple. The lesson here is that in addition to
one’s will-power, all other relevant resources or factors are always needed in order to empower
an individual to be able to effectively accomplish a serious life project like living togeter. In our
case and considering my financial limitations at the time, we were barely able to prepare the
minimum for my “baby mama’s” antenatal care as well as the purchase of the different baby
needs for our unborn baby.

Thanks to friends like Moses and Joe whose wives too were also pregnant that season, while in
search for means and ways on how to better cater for our expectant women as well as the unborn
babies, we decided to raise money among ourselves. We successfully did so by jointly
contributing an equal sum of money each salary payout. After bringing our money together each
salary payout, the beneficiary for that month was obliged to present a checklist of his needs, and
Moses- our leader will lead him to the market and carryout the purchases on the behalf of the
beneficiary. This role was assigned to Moses for two reasons; he was most senior among us and
had also acquired some experience in his first delivery while Joe and I were new comers. This
cycle was respected for each of us and by the time each of our women was bound for the
maternity, the basic financial and material preparations for their delivery were firmly in place. I
wish to use this opportunity to once again doff my hat to Moses and Joe for their manly
contributions in helping me navigate through my maiden responsibilities in preparing for the
delivery of baby - Diane.

In the process, my “baby mama’s” antenatal checkups were all hitch-free as well as her delivery.
When our awaited baby finally came, it was such a thrill. We were both very relieved from the
fears of the unknown that had characterised our preceding 9 months. We were ecstatically
happy for finally hitting the finishing line. I must confess that the 9 months that preceded the
delivery of our new born baby constituted the most trying months of my life.

Considering that the both of us did not have any good knowledge in baby-sitting at the time, the
arrival of our baby necessitated the able assistance of an experienced mother figure around to
help groom us in the art. But unfortunately, the nature of our accommodation at the time was
very small and not good enough to take in neither my own mum nor my “baby mama’s”. As a
result, we had no choice but to learn our baby-sitting lessons on the job. This was no chocolate.
We had to learn it the hard-way-the -only-way. This came with all the imaginable and
unimaginable associated challenges. One of those challenges that came with the birth of our
daughter, was the frail health of her mummy. It should be noted here that after delivery, the
young mother’s health unfortunately started experiencing some steady deterioration. This was
not a good coincidence at all. It made our already very complex maiden nursing task more
complex. The more efforts we engaged to look for solutions to her health crisis, the sicker she
got. Her ailing health did not allow her to effectively nurse our new born baby. This made the
task of catering for the baby more challenging. But luckily for us, my line manager at work at the
time was very fatherly. As a result, I had some liberty to swing between work and the home
without any of the two responsibilities clashing with the other.

In that regard, I wish to use this medium to heartily thank Mr. Kang Kum Thomas of blessed
memory for his being a level headed boss in the days of my need. He doubled as a boss and as a
father figure to me at that very trying phase of my life. It’s been close to three decades now, but
the memories of his fatherly inputs on our lives at the time are still very fresh in my mind. Thank
you and adieu Sir.

The fatherly role that this my former line manager played in alleviating my social aches at that
phase of my life as a struggling young husband and dad, is a role that every true leader is
expected to play in the lives their surbordinates. A leader’s influence on the lives of those under
his leadership should cut across. It shouldn’t be limited to business only because a surbordinate’s
social life is in many ways intertwined with their working life.

The challenge with my wife’s health slowly but steadily became a lifestyle throughout our living
together. As a result, I was left with no other choice than to fully arm myself with every ethical
arsenal necessary to be her reliable support system. Even though there were a combination of
challenges staring at me in the face, my wife’s failing health happened to have been the chief
of them. The hardships associated with being a family head with very limited resources were
very raw, but the one that stood like the walls of Jericho against my determination to make it to
my “Promised Land” in marriage, was my wife’s ever-fragile health. Even though my wife’s
troubling health seemed to be the challenge that put up the most resilient fight against my
determination to have a successful family life, on the other hand, my passion to subdue this
adversary was equally very stoic.

But sadly enough, with the passage of time, the tendency of entertaining some feelings of regret
began to set in. Fortunately, I was poised to succeed in my role as the head of my new family.
My will power kept me forging on even though my flesh continued to manifest all sorts of
weaknesses.

In the process, an opportunity to go work out of the city surfaced at my work place. Even though
this piece of good information was only disclosed to me at short notice. In fact, the information
was disclosed to me on the exact day that the team for that mission had already been constituted
and was already being assembled at our head office for departure. I received this piece of
information with mixed feelings. But on a second thought, I vehemently refused to indulge in
any blame game. I solidly made up my mind that this was not an opportunity to miss. It was a
rare opportunity in the company. I said to mysel; If I miss out on this opportunity, I may never
get another one because our company was only concentrated in the cities of Yaounde and Douala
at that time. In my mind, I refused to be denied the opportunity even though I had been reliably
informed that the reception of applications for suitable candidates had already been closed. I
mentally possessed the opportunity even before coming up with a strategy on how to get it. I
then instantly framed up the arguments to be used to convince my hierarchy on why I couldn’t
be left out on that very important mission. I was determined to convince my hierarchy on the
fact that I was the most suitable candidate for that mission. I was fully persuaded that all I
needed to turn the tides in my favour was an audience with the company’s senior official
charged with the sellection of candidates for the said mission. When I finally made it to our head
office that fateful morning, my director of Operations in spite of the fact that he was very busy
that morning, miraculously granted me my much needed audience. In that brief encounter with
him, I politely but plausibly won his favour after being subjected to a brief questions and
answers session. Like a miracle, my name was officially squeezed into the list of selectees for
the said mission.
My departure from the city as well as from the complexities associated with city life was going
to mark a great turning point in my life vis-à-vis my new status as a family head. That was
exactly what I got. Fate decided that it was time to ease my swelling responsibilities as an
apprentice family head.

About one month upon my assumption of work in my new station, I was able to rent and furnish
a two-bedroom apartment for the first time in my life. Wow! What a gigantic shift in the journey
of life! My head came spinning again. This time around, not because I was at the cross roads of
life. But because, for the very first time in my life time, I could also afford to give myself and my
immediate dependents some degree of comfort. This new twist in my life was indeed medicinal
to the stressful life that had befallen me as a result of my mounting family responsibilities. I
somehow began to heal from all the excruciating experience that my new life as an apprentice
family head had subjected me to. First and foremost, I started feeling compensated for being a
great fighter. I felt fulfilled for having fought a good fight by successfully convincing my
hierarchy on the need to be included on the list of the personnel that were assigned to the said
satellite assignment. I was also filled with a sense of fulfillment for finally being a source of
comfort to my immediate young family.

Life in my new rural work station was relatively cost effective. Even though my remuneration
situation had not improved, but the fact that the cost of accommodation and daily upkeep was
more friendly, life too became more livable.

In addition to my regular job, I was also able to indulge in some subsistence farming activity.
This activity in no small way boosted our daily nutrition and significantly curtailed our daily
expenditures.

Thanks to the combination of all the advantages that came with working and living in a rural
setting, I was then able to save some money towards my “baby mama’s” possible bride price
payment in spite of the fact that her poor health had created serious holes in my wallet. A couple
of months thereafter, I successfully raised sufficient money towards the bride price project. Some
of my family members were delegated with discharging that important responsibility on my
behalf and in the end, it was successfully accomplished. My good pass score marks in my role as
a budding family head were conspicuous. These seemed like some good signs of my personal
growth into manhood.

I would be a gross ingrate if I fail to use this opportunity to heartily thank Mr. Tang Jean
Marcel, Mr. Aseh Denis, my then Director of Operations and Chief of Operations, and their
fine cream of immediate collaborators who believed in me resulting in my being included in the
Plantecam-Mutengene project at the very last minute. I must once again confess here that my
being transferred out of the city during that particular phase of my life was messianic. God alone
knows what would have happened to me and to the young family that had prematurely become
my full responsibility in a city of no mercy like Douala. Not only had I just gotten married
without any form of preparation, I had also become a father over night, without fully
understanding the demands, intricacies, and implicationtions of fatherhood. As if these two
new responsibilities weren’t enough for me, the health of the young mother who was supposed to
be focused on learning how to nurse our newly born baby, had suddenly taken a very scary nose
dive. To make an already bad situation worse, my security guard salary was nothing to write
home about. The pressure on my mental health at the time might have not been apparent to any
third party, but personally, it was actually asphyxiating. That is why when the news of an
opportunity to make an exit from Douala on the ticket of my employer reached me, I saw it as
valve and did not want to imagine that I could be denied the opportunity for any reason. My
reasons to get out of the city were stronger than any reasons that could thwart my not being
qualified for that transfer. In fact, it was a matter of life and death. It was based on this
background that when I succeeded to meet Mr. Tang Jean Marcel, my then Director of
Operations, he did not only hear how qualified I was for that transfer project, he could also see
how poised I was for it.

The lesson I’ve come to learn from most of my defining moments is that, when your house is on
fire, you become the main architect of your survival. It has been mostly when I’m with my back
to the wall that I get to discover a lot of who I am. Therefore, being pushed to the wall can
always have its silver lining if faced positively.

My Spiritual Emergence
Some two years down the road in my very slippery matrimonial journey, something that has
become very pivotal with the rest of my life began to take roots. I developed a serious longing to
know God on a personal experiential level. But how did it come about? It all started with my
wanting to have my baby dedicated in my local church as I saw other parents doing. In my quest
to have that done for my own baby, I met my church pastor. In our interaction on the said
subject, I disappointedly got to know that I was not yet qualified to have my baby dedicated in
church. I was made to understand that even though I was a regular attendee of the local church at
the time, I was not yet a recognised member of the church. I was made to know that child
dedication, the right to receiving the Holy Communion, the right to be wedded by the church, as
well as the right to belong to any church organ were only reserved for worshippers who had
been fully integrated into the membership of the church. That in order for me to acquire full
fledge membership of the church, I first and foremost needed to show proof that I was born again
and thereafter, be baptised by immersion. I was also guided on the process that qualifies
prospective church members for water baptism.

My pastor at the time, the Rev. Victor Mbah gave me every help that I needed to go through the
baptismal candidates’ process. It was in the course of that process that I developed the longing
to know God on a personal experiential note. In my quest on how to get that done, I approached
a very approachable young preacher of the church. In our encounter, he guided me on how to
pray the salvation prayer. By the time I said “Amen” to that guided prayer, my heart had
witnessed a degree of peace that was out of this world.

I must say it loud and clear here that from when I prayed that salvation prayer led by Bro. Nako
Nelson Nganje, now Rev. Nako Nelson Nganje, my life began witnessing an all-round
transformation. It is after I made this decision that I began understanding what the Christian life
really stands for. It is after I made this decision that I discovered that one can indeed be “born
again” without having to enter a second time into his mother’s womb. It was not until I prayed
that prayer that I discovered that the spiritual life is a life lived beyond the natural five senses. It
is when I made this decision that I started experiencing God’s dealings with me on a personal
level. It’s in this my new status that I discovered that a godly life is not solely led dependent on
an individual’s will power. It is in this my new status that I discovered that it is not difficult to
align one’s life with God’s will. It is in this new status that I discovered that when you fully yield
yourself to God, He grants you the supernatural enablement to live right and to hate wrong
without struggle nor sweat.

The positive impact of my new life was conspicuous. For example, it became easier for me to
forgive those I had grudges with in the past. It became easier to manage my anger. It was easier
to steer clear from vices such as; lies telling, gossips, cheating, lust, stealing. I equally
discovered that I had a burning passion and the boldness to tell others about my personal
encounter with God and how that was changing my life for the better. In sum, it was normal to
lead a life of integrity. I became a shining example in matters of piety at home, work, in secret
as well as in public.

At home, my wife became my very first disciple. This was like to suggest that if your change is
genuine, its impact is first felt by those closest to you. In spite of her worrying health, she too
became a very apparent active disciple of Jesus Christ.

At work, my hierarchy and collaborators repeatedly proved that I was trust worthy. Within the
church circle, I also enjoyed a lot of trust both from the leadership and the body of Christ in
general.

Some of the outward evidences of my new life was my elevation in my career and within the
church circles. At work, my growth was steady. In church, it was even geometric.

But back at home, my wife’s health was only changing for the worse. It seemed it was a work in
progress. It slowly but steadily became a serious dent on my new found bliss.

The good side of what was happening with my wife’s health is that it never occurred to me that it
was a burden. My morale was consistently very high largely because of my strong believe in the
miraculous.

Contrary to the popular dictum that says; “Time heals all wounds,” in my case, it wasn’t so.
Seven years down the road in our marital journey, my wife’s health only went from bad to
worse. By our seventh union anniversary, her condition had gotten too bad to the point that we
could not even longer consummate our union as husband and wife. This impediment to the
consummation of our marital union went on for the next seven years without any positive
change.

In spite of this agonising experience in our marriage, my faith in the supernatural God for a
possible miracle was still alive. My belief in a possible miracle kept ballooning. Even though it
seemed like the more I exercised my belief in my wife’s healing, the worse things got. There was
no prayer meeting or crusade in town that I did not take her to in my quest for her supernatural
healing. Where it was not convenient for me to physically take her to be prayed for, I made sure
that I took her photograph to the said prayer meeting as a possible point of contact. Her healing
had become my lone prayer point in all my personal supplications in all my prayer sessions. I
remember buying evry necessary book on divine healing and using them to fast and pray for my
wife’s healing. I equally remember how my body had emaciated tremendoulsy as a results of the
regular and prolonged prayers and fastings in search of a healing miracle for her. I also
remember how I had resorted to dressing with an overcoat as my regular dress code in order to
cover up my emaciated body. But the more intense these prayers and fastings got, the more her
health condition degenerated. On the contrary, I was enjoying speedy answers to my other prayer
concerns. But regarding my major prayer preoccupation, nothing good was happening. Her
condition only continued to get worse right up to our 14th union anniversary.

Truth be told,it is at this juncture that my faith began to tomble like a pack of cards. With the
passage of time, I slowly but surely started experiencing burnouts from my many years of
swinging along with that torn in my flesh. At this state, it had become crystal clear to me that
even though my spirit was still willing, my body on the other hand was unfortunately getting
really exhausted. The exhaustion was real and my body was literally craving for a vacation.
There was no gainsaying that as a man, my body still needed some degree of sexual pleasure.
One of the effects of my many years of sexual abstenance on my body was that I started
experiencing the spillage of sperm each time I exerted some pressure in passing out faeces. In
a bid to allay my fears, I mustered some courage and confided my predicament to one of my
spiritual mothers and prayer partner who had also shown a lot of motherly concern to our
suffering. In response, she too was apprehensive as to what might have been the root cause of
such an experience, and strongly recommended that I go seek immediate medical attention.
As usual and in her characteristic motherly gesture, she also assisted me with some finances for
the medical checkup.

In my encounter with the medical doctor, after giving me her undivided attention and and asking
me a series of questions regarding my sexual life history, she empathised with me and said that
my condition was not medically problematic. That the sperm spillage I was experiencing each
time I exerted pressure on my bowel was scientifically normal. That it was obvious that my
sperm sack was overfilled. That it was very normal that any pressure exerted on my bowel
particularly when passing out faeces should result in the spillage of the excess content of my
sperm sack. She then gave me some options on what I could do in order to possibly eliminate or
minimise the spillage experience. But that the spillage experience in itself did not pose any
health hazard. Unfortunately for me, I was very uncomfortable with all the options that the
doctor had outlined for me. Consequently, I could not make use of any of them. That meant that
if a supernatural remedy did not step in, then I had no choice but to continue to face my reality.
After all, the doctor had assured me that my condition did not pose any health hazard on my
body.

My personal option for a wayout was the craving for a [Link] how could I take a vacation
while I had a near-bedridden wife to cater for? Or how could the Christian leader that I was, go
get sex out of marriage? Or how could I indulge in the filty acts of masturbation? This was no
small stuff. But the truth of the matter according to what I was feeling physically and
emotionally, was that my back was already on the wall.

There was no doubt, the psychological torture at this time was at its zenith. I was getting
overwhelmed with feelings of “why me?” “This is me who had never left any stone unturned in
order to guarantee the success of my marriage and family.” “Was it wrong to choose to live
right?” “Was it wrong to want to live out the life that God and the Bible recommends and
commands?” “Look at how much efforts and how long it had taken me to strive to live right and
see how I was almost at the verge of losing every good thing I had stood and fought for?” “Life
was certainly not fair.”

Under the heavy weight of these psychological torments and lamentations, I unfortunately came
crashing. I steadily developed a health condition that was later diagnosed as Torticollis. This
health condition nearly squeezed life out of me. I was sick and hospitalised for a very long time.
But miraculously, God in His infinite mercy healed me in the process.

During all these psychological and physical torments, my local church like one man stood solidly
behind us. To be sincere, the love and attention accorded us was palpable. We were given every
possible spiritual and material support that was required from a people I’ll forever be proud to
call my family.

In that light, I wish to use this medium to heartily say thank you to my then Senior pastor, the
Rev. Kindefu Joseph and his immediate family as well as the entire membership of Musang
Baptist Church, Mankon-Bamenda, that was under his pastoral care at the time.

It is largely thanks to the support that came from this church community that we were able to go
that far in our struggles with our maiden marital union. There’s no denying that my survival in
that turbulent marriage for the second seven years was largely because the church stood solidly
behind us. I survived it for those additional seven years largely thanks to the inputs that came
from the church as an institution as well as from its very caring individual members. I am
deeply indebted and will forever be grateful to all of the then members of CBC Musang,
Mankon-Bamenda.

In spite all of the love and care that was dispensed on us by the church for all those long years,
sadly, this was not still a good enough force to effectively heal me from the burnouts that my
turbulent marriage had unfortunately subjected me to. My burnouts remained a personal thorn in
my fragile flesh. The need for a vacation was still very imminent. The need to satisfy my sexual
cravings was even more real. Sadly, no amount of agape, philia, ludu, pragma, philautia and
storge love and care from my loved ones could replace my erotic needs.

After my supernatural recovery from the torticollis condition that I had suffered from for a
couple of weeks, I then sadly became very fragile and vulnerable both physically and spiritually.
My overwhelming fragile and vulnerable state led to my resignation from all posts of
responsibilities in the church. This was immediately followed by my controversial divorce
decision.
My decision to divorce was hitherto not discussed anywhere and with no one. Deep in me, I had
long divorced. But knowing how controversial it was going to be because of my Chritian status, I
had preferred to deal with it discretely until when the time was convenient enough for me to hit
the goal post with this very controversial decision of a Christian leader.

Everyone including my then wife and members of our both families were only informed of my
decision in a brief meeting that I had convened in our home at very short notice on the night of
24th of February, 2010.

Everyone was taken aback. But the die was already cast and I was determined not to give room
for any debates nor mediation on the subject. It was purely an announcement of my plan of
action. This plan of action was to be executed the very next day without giving any room for any
third party interference.

Considering that the matter was not up for debate, after disclosing my decision to the family
members present in that brief meeting, I also constituted a delegation from the both families to
accompany us to my in-law’s village the very next day.

The next day, the 25th of Fbruary, 2010, the delegation from our two families accompanied us
on that very crucial trip. While at my in-laws,’ we were given a very cordial reception as usual.
But sadly, the warmth of that reception was short lived when I finally let the cat out of the bag.

Considering that I did not allow room for any further discussions on the matter, my decision was
forcefully swallowed by all and sundry.

After successfully dealing with it at the family level because our marriage was only contracted
customarily, the most difficult phase of the matter was yet to come because we still had the
church to deal with.

Handling it with the church was obviously not going to be an easy-ride as it were with our
families. But I was mentally ready to face it squarely.

When I finally reached the church with the dossier, as already speculated, it spread wild like
bush fire in the Amazon forest. Consequently, an emergency Deacons’ board meeting was
convened in that regard to hear from us . The church after listening and asking all the relevant
questions, realised that it could not arrive at an immediate consensus. The more efforts the
church brought on board to strike an acceptable balance on the case, the more it almost brought
divisions within the church.

In a bid to resolve our divorce brouhaha without further dividing the church, the then Senior
pastor of the church in his wisdom and love for the church of God decided to consult a
professional counseling clinic on our behalf.

We were then summoned by the said clinic and after several solo and joint grilling sessions that
lasted for several weeks, the clinic finally delivered its awaited verdict on our case. The
summary of the report stated that, after listening and questioning the two parties concerned, both
individually and collectively, the clinic had come to the expert conclusion that Daniel’s decision
to separate with his ex-wife was a personal one and that no one else including the church was
allowed to interfere with it. That is how my maiden and very painful conjugal union for 14 years
was officially endorsed.

My new life as a divorcee opened me up to a completely new beginning in the journey of life.
First and foremost, I was not only unfortunately separated from the wife of my youth. I was
also painfully separated from our lone child who meant everything to me. After all, the
conception of this very child was the root cause of our premature marriage. My separation with
our daughter was one of the pre- conditions that her mother had brought on the table as her
precondition for a smooth separation deal. I was now faced with a new life to live. Facing the
realities of a divorcee’s life was not going to be as easy as I had imagined. One of the first
effects were how to transit from a life of a family head to that of a single and lonely person.
Considering that I had never lived alone even when I was still single, my transition into a life
without other housemates was not a familiar experience. Nonetheless, I had no other choice than
to braze up and grapple with with this new phase of my life. Besides grappling with how to live
alone, the other very significant consequence of my new life was the stigma that comes with
divorcing. My society has a stereotype perception about divorce: A divorced man or woman is
perceived as a failed and irresponsible person. Within some church circles, a divorcee is
regarded and treated exactly like the Jews regarded and treated the Publicans no matter the
reasons that led to his or her divorce. I now had these new derogatory labels hanging over my
personality and I also had the personal responsibility to deal with all these negative attachments
to my personality. The die was cast: I had to either accept or refuse the society to use an isolated
incident in my life to define me. This happened to have been the most difficult aspect of the
aftermath of my divorce that I had to work very hard at overcoming. I must admit that even after
remarrying, a segment of the society that is conversant with my past has still not forgiven me.
They have a right to their opinion, but I have an obligation to move on with this other phase of
my life and to do so happily.

The other very significant effect of my divorce was my declining spiritual life. My spiritual
decline mainly stemmed from the fact that I was not yet ready to remarry due to my gruesome
past marriage experience. My past experience was a very good case study of a cosmetic union. It
had been a cosmetic union because on the outside, it had the semblance of a very exemplary
marriage. But on the inside, we were bleeding. On the inside, my ex and I knew that the thing
was not adding up. It was an empty package wrapped in very beautiful parceling material.
Unfortunately, that is how some marriages are. Some marriages on the outside are like the
template of what an exemplary marriage should be. But on the inside, the couple involved know
so well that their union is a time-bomb. The good news about a turbulent union is that, even in
such a case, if the couple in question still value their union, then all hope is not lost. Hope would
only be lost if the couple in question completely lack the will and determination to effectively
mend the cracks on the foundation and walls of their union. In some cases, the causes of a
divorce could be very minute. If a couple still value their union and are willing to engage open
communication, they’ll soon realise that they have what it takes to neatly mend every crack
posing a threat on the foundation and walls of their marriage.

In spite of the fact that I then really dreaded marriage, that did not deter my body from panting
after sex like the deer pants for water. Naturally, I finally gave in to my bodily cravings and that
marked the beginning of my spiritual downward spiraling which unfortunately lasted for about
six long years. During this period of my spiritual waning, I genuinely fell in love with someone
that also showed me real love. But due to the fact that I was not yet ready to remarry and that
the foundation of our relationship was ungodly because it wasn’t within the confines of marriage,
our glowing pre- marital affair sadly did not grow into a full-fledged marriage. However, we
were blessed with a very beautiful and gifted daughter.
I must admit here that my inability to grow this particular relationship into a full-fledged
marriage, constitutes one of my major relationship failures.

The other key effect of my divorce has been my very painful separation from a cream of sincere,
loving, caring and very meaningful Christian friends, particularly those who stood by us in our
turbulent days. This cream of my darling brethren painstakingly had to sever ties with me
apparently in protest of my controversial divorce decision. To say that they were disappointed in
me, would be an understatement. They certainly felt that my decision to divorce was an act of
rebellion against the Christian faith as well as a display of ingratitude to the unconditional
support that they as individuals and as a church community had dispensed on us during our
trying days. They certainly felt that I had betrayed them as well as the Christian faith. Had they
not given me every leverage that was necessary to help me successfully surmount the
temptations that finally led to my divorce and my ultimate fall from the Christian faith? Truth be
told, I had “betrayed” them and our Christian faith. According to them, I had sheepishly gone
down the wrong route by giving up on my marriage without caring to count the cost. They
certainly felt that my failing to hold-together my marriage right to the end meant that their
indefatigable moral, spiritual, material, and financial support towards me seemed not to have
mattered a thing. Far from that! I must admit that my divorce came at a very high price: It led to
my backsliding from my fellowship with God and His people for about 6 long years. It also led
to my losing countless genuine brethren in exchange.

In spite of all the negative labels associated with my divorcee status , I was doggedly determined
not to allow my life to be defined by the stigmas of divorce. I did not spare any effort to put my
achesome past in the past. In the process, a brand new me started emerging. One of the
immediate signs of the new me that surfaced was the recovery of my physical beauty. The
physical new me that emerged from the ashes of my 14 years of my former marriage was
comparatively very different from the me that had been deformed by the 14 years of a very
painstaking marriage.

In my career, a new me also came to the fore. After my divorce, a new employer came knocking
at the door of my professional know-how. As a result, I was blessed with a new job that led to
my moving town. My relocation to a neutral town contributed very positively in my speedy
healing from the psychological weight that came with my status of a divorcee. My new
employer happened to have been one of my dear brethren in my local church. That’s to tell you
that my blessedness that came from within the church ranks has been unquantifiable.

My new job apart from serving as a safe-haven for me at the time, also provided me with
multifaceted professional exposures that have in no small way contributed in molding the new
me. The exposure and trainings garnered from the said employment has greatly helped to
metamorphose me into a more resourceful corporate personality. In this regard, I wish to use
this platform to sincerely express my gratititude to Mr. Nsoh Joseph, the Managing Director of
my former company for his spirit of dicernment and the display of the true spirit of
brotherhood that led him to offer me a job without my applying for it at the time I very much
needed such a gesture as a pill for my psycholigal healing.

But on the spiritual wavelength, I kept experiencing a steady nose dive. The emptiness was
palpable. This went on for about six solid years. But thank goodness, sometime in late 2015, like
the biblical Prodigal Son, I finally came back to my senses and made the necessary U turn. This
all-important U turn has been the icing on the cake in the making of the new me.

The grace responsible for the making of the new me empowered me on a number of fronts. For
example, this me that dreaded marriage like a highly infectious disease, was once again able to
find genuine interest in marrying. This culminated in my remarrying in the year 2017 to lady
Maggie, the lady who has become my happiness and peace comrade.

But considering that life in general is a work in progress, I am still working very hard on my
happiness pursuit.

In my quest for happiness, I’ve come to discover that happiness actually means something
different for everyone. There’s no one universal meaning for the word “happiness.” Happiness is
a work in progress. Happiness is a habit. Happy people have good habits. An individual chooses
their place in the happiness spectrum. Happiness does not come from fame, fortune, other
people, or material possessions. Happiness comes from within. You become happy because you
make yourself happy. You are happy when you maintain a positive outlook on life and remain
at peace with yourself. There’s nothing in this world that will keep making you happy forever.
Permanent happiness, a continuous state of bliss, is nothing more than a myth. Why? Because
the thing that makes you happy today, may not be able to make you happy again and again due to
a process called habituation.

Each time your happiness chemicals are released, your brain makes a note about the strategy that
led you there and files it under “this makes me happy.’’ This way, your brain can default to the
same strategy next time, but sadly, it won’t bring the same result, due to a process known as
habituation. An experience makes you most happy when it’s new. When the same experience
happens and happens again and again, the initial excitement that should accompany it tends to
wane due to the process known as habituation. Therefore, if you want to have a forever
happiness experience, you don’t have to rely on what happens or does not happen to you to be
happy. You got to deliberately choose just to be happy.

The human mechanism is built to get used to everything, which is probably why someone who
unfortunately paralyses, is able to regain his or her self-esteem with the passage of time and to
move on in the journey of life as if nothing unfortunate never happened. Therefore, habituation is
also an awesome inbuilt human mechanism meant to pre-empt the human being from sitting on
his or her laurels. Without habituation, we would easily sit on our laurels and that would
naturally stall our drive to grow and get better. Habituation gets us up and spurs us to explore
different ways of making the world a better place for ourselves and humanity. Without
habituation, we would run the risk of falling into a vicious cycle of high expectations and
disappointments. Habituation helps us not to indulge into the useless game of constantly chasing
happiness because no matter how much an achievement makes you happy, that achievement on
its own cannot mark the end of your happiness journey.

Some Happiness Habits

According to researchers on the subject of happiness, there are habits that if cultivated as a
lifestyle, would ultimately enhance a person’s happiness. These include:

1)Serve Others: When you give service to others, it is hard to remain in a bad mood.
If you look for ways to brighten the day of others, you start to be less concerned with yourself,
and the happier you become.

2) Seek Learning: Happy people seek learning and education in many areas of life and then
look for ways to put it to use. An increase in knowledge can also give you an increase in self-
confidence. Continuous learning enhances happiness because the purpose of life is constant
forward progress.

3) See Problems as Opportunities: Happy people don’t seem to have the word “Problem” in
their vocabulary. They see “problem” as challenge or opportunity. When something is called
problem, it turns to be viewed as a drawback, a struggle, or a stumbling block. It has only a
negative connotation. On the other hand, a challenge is viewed differently. A challenge is viewed
as something positive, like an opportunity, as a task, or a dare. Nobody likes to deal with a
problem, but nobody wants to miss an opportunity. Every problem/ opportunity carries with it
the seed of growth and innovation.

4) Express Gratitude: Happy people don’t have the best of everything; they just make the best
of everything they have. Contentment comes from counting your blessings instead of yearning
for what you don’t have. Happiness has nothing to do with our external circumstances. It has
everything to do with our internal attitude.

5) Dream Big: Set lofty goals for the things you always wanted to accomplish. When you
dream big, your mind will put itself in a focused and positive state. When you dream big, you
start feeling excited and inspired about life. Nobody ever got excited by settling right where they
were. Happiness comes from dreaming big.

6) Do not Sweat the Small Stuff: Life is too short to worry over trivialities. Letting trivial
things to roll off your back will put you at ease to better enjoy the important things in life.
Always ask yourself, “will this matter one year from now?” If the problem can be solved, why
worry? “If it can’t, be solved, worrying will do you no good.

7) Speak Well of Others: The habit of focusing on others’ strengths when you speak of them is
a happiness enhancer. Speaking highly of others even when they have weaknesses does not make
the speaker a hypocrite. It only tends to be problematic when you cannot personally point out an
individual’s weakness to them in person.

There’s a plethora of happiness habits that cannot be exhaustively packaged here considering
that this work is not primarily focused on happiness. But fortunately, a lot of well researched
material by a myriad of authors on happiness exist in the bookstores both in the digital and
traditional hardcopy formats.

The Flipside of Divorce

Divorce is not cheap. Divorce is a very costly undertaking. It’s an experience to be avoided at all
costs except in cases where it is meant to save a life or lives. A number of years after I went
through divorce myself, I must confess that even though I have moved on with my new life,
some aspects of the aftermaths of my divorce are still haunting me up till now. Nobody should
ever dare to become a proponent of divorce except in life-threatening circumstances because its
shadow never completely leaves the divorcee. No doubt, God says He hates it.

The losses that come with divorce are not worth it except when the decision is meant to save life.
Therefore, anyone going through a trying marriage and contemplating divorce should think
twice and count the costs because its negative effects can be life-long.

Most of the causes of divorce are actually not immediate but remote: Marriage is a life-long
commitment. When marriage is viewed as life-long before you get into it, it helps you to be
able to carryout a self-inventory that permits you to have a proper grasp of who you are.
When you have a true picture of who you are it goes a long way to helping you form a
clearer image of a veritable prospective spouse.

Once you have an accurate image of who you are as per your personal lenses, it it tremendously
helps you in your task of determining the who you will need to share your life.
Similarly, an individual’s criteria for a prospective spouse should be guided by that person’s life
mission: If your life mission is to be a high achiever in any field, you’ll need a prospective
spouse who possesses the qualities needed to accompany you in achieving that mission directly
or indirectly.

But ironically, when most of us set out to look for our prospective spouse, our focus is usually
not for a life-time but on what would satisfy us for the moment. Most often, we set out with a
checklist of the qualities that we want our prospective spouse to possess, without first and
foremost carrying out a sel-inventory of our own personal life qualities. That is not a healthy
marital seed. It is actually one of the seeds that might give birth to divorce.

Once a person gets married without knowing who he or she is, even if your spouse possesses
most of the qualities that you wanted, in the long run if care is not taken, frustration would set in
because you do not have a true and certain image of who you are. Success in marriage comes
with ease when husband and wife have a clear and solid picture of why they have to share their
lives together. When that purpose is not clear and solid, it gives room to divergent pursuits. It is
this divergence of purposes or goals that brings about frustration. When you start experiencing
frustration in your marriage, it can eventually lead to regrets and if not subdued head-on, the
frustrated spouse or spouses start entertaining thoughts of looking for another prospective
spouse that embodies the qualities of a veritable life-mission partner.

That is why I said earlier that most causes of divorce are not immediate but remote.

If we agree with this hypothesis, then we have effectively identified one major root cause of
some cases of divorce. But it is what we do with this knowledge that really matters. After
knowing that marriage is supposed to be life-long and that as a spouse, you have to be someone
who effectively accompanies your partner in the accomplishment of your common life mission,
it would be suicidal for a prospective couple to still go ahead and get married without
ascertaining if they both possess what it takes to effectively accompany them in the attainment
of their common life missions.
The application of this approach would definitely go a long way in mitigating some of the
frustrations that characterize today’s marriages thereby resulting in the minimization of divorce
cases.

Back to My Church Life Before the Divorce: Once again, I wish to reiterate here that
the exemplary love and support that we received from my then local church in my trying
marriage was indeed very-very palliative. It is largely thanks to the tireless moral, spiritual and
material support that the church gave us that we were empowered to endure to the extent that
kept our struggling union intact for the period that the union survived.

Love shown to a person in their trying times is indeed a vital force. True love in trying
moments can be a very dependable prop to the afflicted. That was exactly what we got from
the church in our crisis-stricken marriage. The love shown us was so real that you could
literally touch.

In spite of the fact that this bountiful measure of love shown us did not finally help to stop our
marriage from disintegrating, our marital failure cannot in anyway be used to undermine the
efficacy of love in the fight against trying moments.

The balance here is that love received from third parties no matter the degree cannot make up for
one’s deficiencies in the discharge of their marital role. Love from third parties can only serve
as a plus. Even if it goes on for a very long time like it was in my case, as helpful as it can be, it
would still not have the capacity to substitute for the deficiencies of a person’s spouse because
the love that should come from one’s spouse is very different from all other forms of love that
can be received from third parties.

Talking from the standpoint of my personal experience, I wish to strongly state here that, it takes
two to tangle for a couple to be able to experience genuine marital bliss. Any party that is
mediocre towards his or her marital commitments should not be deceived to think that he or she
is doing so against their spouse. No way, a lazy or irresponsible spouse’s actions or inactions
would in the short or long run always adversely affect the union as a whole. Why? Because when
the character that comes with building a functional union is consciously or unconsciously left to
repose on the shoulders of one person, that person in the long run, runs the risk of suffering
from the associated effects of wear and tear.

Therefore, the force that guarantees bliss in any marital union does not come from without. It is
domiciled in each spouse. What each spouse needs to do in order to practically grow their union
is to shun selfishness and mediocrity and practically embrace personal commitment in working
out the desired success of their union with fear and trembling.

Marital bliss is usually a product of pragma love that demands mutual respect, understanding,
and practicality from each spouse. Practical and enduring love is usually build on the pillars of
reason, duty, and long- term common goals. A couple who respects, understands each other and
is pragmatic in contributing their respective quota towards the attainment of their common goal,
is a couple who is poised for great exploits that would result in the enjoyment of marital bliss.
Marital bliss can only be solidly anchored on what each spouse concretely brings as his or her
own inputs necessary for achieving the goal set for their marriage.

Once a couple is pragmatic in the discharge of their respective marital commitments and is also
privileged to receive some philia love from third parties as was our case, the acts of philia
love from friends and close companions only come to serve as bonuses rather than the main
anchor.

Chapter Three

Single Parenting and Its Demands

Single parenting can be defined as the responsibility of raising a child or children by one parent
or guardian without the presence and support of a spouse. It can also be defined as solo
parenting; that’s, a situation where the responsibility of raising a dependent child or children
reposes entirely on the shoulders of one parent because he or she is widowed, divorced or
unmarried.
Single-parenting can also occur even in dual-parent households. This happens when and where
you have the two parents actually living together as a couple, but regrettably, only one of them is
making any imprints in their children’s lives.

Similarly, single-parenting can also occur when one of the parents is absent in the child’s life not
because he or she is irresponsible nor separated by divorce, death, etc. Perhaps when separated
by work or other life imperatives. That’s when a couple is practising what has come to be
fondly called “ long distance relationship.”

Naturally, the demands of parenting fall squarely on the two progenitors of their progenies. The
responsibilities of normal parenthood can be very complex. But the complexities associated with
parenthood can even be more daunting when shouldered by one parent.

Single parenting can be a tough and lonely job, with long hours and few breaks for “alone or
you” time.

But as a mum or dad, you are personally suited to making an indelible imprint on your child.
But what would that imprint be? That choice is up to you as an individual parent. And it is
usually the quality of the choice of the imprint that a parent makes that determines to a great
extent the kind of adult that their child would become. That is where the concept of, “ Like
mother, like daughter,like father, like son” probably originated. It isn’t just a myth. Every
human being may not turn out to be a replica of their parent, but thay does not annul the fact that
we are greatly influenced by our parents in different aspects of who we eventually become as
adults in the journey of life. But in order for a parent to ascertain the kind of imprint he or she’d
want to make on their child’s life, it is important to understand the following:

 Recognise that the inherent dignity and the equal and inalienable rights of the child is the
foundation of freedom, justice and peace of the society.
 Understand that childhood is entitled to special care and assistance.
 Understand that the family and the parent is the primary foundation and the natural
environment for the growth and well-being of the child.
 Recognise that the child or children need an environment and atmosphere of happiness,
love and understanding for their full and harmonious development.
  Know that child upbringing entails preparing the child to be able to live an individual life
in society, also guaranteeing the child’s peace, dignity, tolerance, freedom, equality and
solidarity,
 Understand that the child, by reason of his or her physical immaturity, needs special
safeguards and care including appropriate legal protection, before and after birth,
 Know that the child has the right to know and be cared for by his or her parents, inter-
alia.

When the clarity of the imprint you want to make on your child has been firmly established, rest
assured that theGod-the giver of children would definitely conspire with you to help you
surmount every single challenge that attempts to raise its ugly head against your everyday
endeavour to give your child the upbringing that he or she needs in order to become who their
maker meant for them to become.

After all, what better legacy could a parent leave the world than a child who one day in all
sincerity would tell others “I wouldn’t be who I am or where I am today without my mum or
dad”?

One single mum, a very good friend of mine puts it this way; “ parenting is like a ministry for
me.”

Another single mum that has left an indelible imprint in the life of her child is Ann Dunham-
former President Barack Obama’s mother of blessed memory. In Barack Obama’s book; Dreams
from My Father, he describes the mother as:

“…the one who was a single constant” in his life.

“In my daughters , I see her everyday, her joy, her capacity for wonder.”

“ I won’t try to describe how deeply I mourn her passing still.”

“ I know that she was the kindest, most gererous I have ever known and that what is best in me I
owe to her.”
Even though single parenting is tough, but it can be an achievable project provided the
concerned single parent has a clear picture of what imprint he or she wants to make on their
child. It is an achievable project if the mum or dad takes one baby step at a time, with
determination and courage because nothing that is truly valuable in life ever comes without a
comensurate cost.

All children including those from single parents’ backgrounds long to be brought up in a manner
that guarantees their:

1) Acceptance,
2) Belonging, and
3) Competence in their uniqueness.

Still in Barack Obama’s book ; Dreams from My Father, talking of his mother, he says; “… I
suspect I was one of the luckier ones, having been given a stretch of childhood free from self-
doubt.”

One virtue that holds the key to a child’s ability of forming a healthy identity for him or
herself is self-confidence. A parent who effectively succeeds to inculcate the virtue of self-
confidence in their child, should rest assured that that child will grow up and unfailingly
discover and choose their God ordained lane in life’s boulevard and would freely be willing,
determined and disciplined enough to run their life race on the lane that is uniquely marked
out for him or her as a person . On the contrary, one vice that has inhibited children from
becoming who and what they were made to become is the inability to discover their
uniqueness. Once a child discovers their uniqueness at the right phase of their life, it hepls
the child tremendously to be able to stay focused on developing their uniqueness. And when
a person succeeds to identify and develop their giftedness, they don’t struggle to excell. Once
a person is engaged in pursuing a goal in the area of their uniqueness or giftedness, they do it
with fun. And when a person pursues their pursuit with fun, their success in that area of
endeavour becomes inevitable no matter the competitive nature of their area of discipline.

One great example of a phenominal achiever in his fields of endeavours was Thomas
Edison, the man who first invented the light bulb. This high achiever might have lived and
died in one obscure corner of Ohio, U.S.A. without the possibility of helping himself and
talkless of providing relevant solutions to the plethora of global problems that are credited
to his ingunuity. But because his mum was bent at helping her son to identifying and
developing his uniqueness, that healthy parenting endeavour hugely led to building the
Thomas Edison whose inputs to the advancement of human civilisation has continued to
impact the world many many years after his death. It is recorded that his mother
homeschooled him, fostering his appetite for knowledge and self-learning skills. That this
unconventional education path played a crucial role in his development as an inventor.

“Edison had very little formal education as a child, attending school only for 12 weeks.” He
was dropped out of school by his schoolmaster who called Edison “addled.” When that
happened, his furious mother took upon herself the responsibility to personally train her son.
“He was taught reading, writing, and arithmetic by his mother, but was always a very curious
child and taught himself much by reading on his own.”

He was mostly deaf from a younger age. But in spite of his hearing impairment, Edison did
not allow his hearing challenge to put his back on the ground.

Edison started working at the age of 12.

He saved a three-year old from being run over by a train.

Edison was granted a telegraph operator job as a reward for his heroic act.

He developed the motion picture camera.

Edison held over 1,000 patents, covering various technologies that touched almost every
aspect of daily life.

He established the world’s first industrial research laboratory and played a pivotal role in
shaping the landscape of modern technology.

Edison said many years later, “ My mother was the making of me. She was so true, so sure
of me, and I felt I had someone to live for, someone I must not disappoint.”
 The Edison Family

It is said that Edison’s family played an important role in his life and career. His parents
provided him with an intellectual stimulatating environment that helped to nurture his
curiosity and creativity, while his wives were surpportive of his commitment to his work in
bettering the world . Edison passed on his love for learning to his six children, who turned
out to be a variety of students, entrepreneurs, inventors, politicians, war heroes and more.

Self-Concept:

Parenting determines how a child thinks about him or herself - positively or negatively. A
child’s self-concept can be impacted by conscious and non- conscious factors that can then affect
the child’s judgment, mood, and behavioral patterns. Healthy parenting focuses on helping the
child to develop a healthy identity formation. The inculcation of healthy feelings of self-worth in
a child often results in a good degree of self-acceptance and self-worth.

On the contrary, low self -esteem and feelings of worthlessness. Or self-doubt are typically
associated with depressive disorders such as major depressive disorder and persistent depressive
disorder.

Some Roots of Self-Worth:

Self-worth is rooted in one’s overall appraisal of their value or capability. Some benefits of self-
worth include:

1) Security: You have a sense of security over yourself and your environment.
2) Resilience: You are able to bounce back from difficult experiences.
3) Character: You are able to maintain a moral high ground and always try to do the right
thing.
4) Clear Core Beliefs: You adhere to character traits that you believe to be important.
5) Assertiveness/ Boundaries: You are able to set healthy boundaries in your relationships-
drawing clear lines for what people can and can’t do or say to you.
6) Self-Compassion: You practise kindness, understanding, and patience with yourself.
7) Self-Love: You have a healthy appreciation and adoration of yourself.
 8) Acceptance: You respect the process of life and your current chapter- acknowledging
that everything will or can change.

At What Age Does Self-Worth Develop?

There isn’t any conclusive age at which self-worth develops. But it is fair to assume that it
begins developing along with awareness and matures over time. By age 5 it is likely that the
child would have strengthened their sense of self-worth.

Difference between Self-Worth and Self-Esteem

Looking at the definitions of self-worth and self-esteem, it isn’t immediately clear that they
differ. But they do and here is the primary difference between the two:

Self-Worth is seen as self-evaluation that is focused on internal beliefs and stable factors.
Someone with high self-worth feels valuable and deserving or worthy of love, respect, and
consideration.

Self-Esteem on the other hand, refers to an individual’s qualities and characteristics that are
more fluid and subject to external factors, such as one’s:

 Physical appearance
 Accomplishments
 Capabilities
 Perceived success
Where Do Feelings of Self-Worth and Self-Esteem Come From?
Feelings of self-worth and self-esteem come from one’s self-concept. As earlier stated,
self-concept is the way one thinks about themselves.
How Does Self-Esteem Impact Self-Worth?

Self-worth precedes self-esteem. Ongoing low self-esteem can negatively affect thinking,
confidence, relationship, and resiliency-all important elements to self-worth. In addition, chronic
low self-esteem can impact overall well-being, negatively impacting one’s self-worth, and it may
be a signal of a clinical issue.
People with low self-esteem, especially those who deal with it for an extended period of time,
should consider consulting a therapist. If you are dealing with low self-esteem, a therapist would
be able to help you get to the bottom of what is causing it cum help you to build it back up and
start feeling good about yourself again.

Can You Have High Self-Esteem but Low Self-Worth?

Yes, you can have high self-esteem and low self-worth. For example, you can feel good about
how you are performing at school or work, especially if there is a ranking system or you are paid
well while also not accepting other aspects of yourself especially the unchangeable ones.

At the end of the day, it is important to have high self- worth and self-esteem, though it takes
time to get there. If you are lacking in either area, then take the time to explore those feelings. If
you aren’t sure where to start or you are suffering as a result of low self-esteem or low self-
worth, a professional counselor would be a great partner.

Therefore, whether a child has the opportunity to be raised by the both parents or not, does not
matter. Every child still has every right to be given healthy parenting even when he or she has
to be raised by a single parent. As a parent, you have the mandate to give your child a healthy
upbringing without giving room for blame games. Life can be said to be a continuous process
of getting used to what we hadn’t expected. But just because your life has a taken a different
direction than you expected, does not mean that you should throw blames or throw in the towel.
That’s to say, whether you become a parent by choice or chance, is not a factor. The major
factor here is that you’re now a parent and have the obligation to fully assume your parenting
responsibilities.

Single parents like dual-parents must understand that they have the personal duty to give their
kids a balanced upbringing. The primary role of every parent is to raise kids that would become
confident adults in their environment. Why? It takes a good degree of self-confidence for a
child to be able to identify and be able to fit into his or her own lane in the journey of life.
Once a child’s true self-worth is identified and developed, that child has been given what takes to
be able to make their own impact on the world.
It is very crucial to underscore here that the most significant predictor of a child’s successful
development is the parent’s ability to identify the child’s identity, individuality, separateness,
and worth. As a parent, you stand a better chance of raising a balanced child when you begin to
see your child in terms of his or her own uniqueness. When you begin to see your child in terms
of his or her uniqueness, you will discover layers upon layers of potential in him or her that
would definitely be realised at the child’s own pace and speed. After successfully identifying a
child’s uniqueness, the next right step to take as a parent is to relax. Get out of the child’s way
and let his or her own personality to freely emerge while you continue to provide him or her
with all the parental guidance and support that he or she needs in order to fulfill their unique
purpose.

In order to effectively help a child’s uniqueness to develop, the natural role of the parent is to
affirm, enjoy, and value him or her in terms of their uniqueness. Every human being has their
own uniqueness. Therefore, your own self-worth must not be a template for the worth of your
child and vice versa. This is to say that if your child’s uniqueness does not provide him or her the
potential needed to excel in any aspect of life, it should not bring about the feeling that he or she
is deficient as a person. Why? Because a person’s true self-worth ought to be formed by their
uniqueness. Therefore, as a parent, you need to make sure that your feelings of worth are not
dependent on your children’s “acceptable” behaviour because the predominant determinant of a
person’s behaviour is his or her uniqueness.

Seeing your child in his or her uniqueness should help you to accept and enjoy him or her for
who he or she is, instead of comparing him or her with others or judging him or her.
Understanding your child’s uniqueness should help you to stop trying to clone him or her
into your own image or measure him or her against social expectations. Identifying your
child’s uniqueness stops you from trying to kindly and positively manipulate him or her into an
acceptable social mold.

It’s a person’s uniqueness that usually helps him or her to excel in life. Identifying a child’s
uniqueness and helping that child to understand the worth of his or her uniqueness is helping or
raising a champion in their own right.
The ability to help your child grow up with a healthy degree of self-confidence is a very
effective arsenal in the hands of a single parent that would leverage that parent to be able to raise
his or her child with all what it takes for them to find their unique lane in the race of life.

It’s easier for a single parent to succeed in enforcing the self-worth virtue in their child because
as a single parent, you are singled out as the leader of your family.

The key to single-parenting does not lie with your child’s relationship with your own parents, nor
with school teachers, nor with church teachers, nor with youth leaders, nor with coaches, nor
with his or her friends, nor with his or her siblings, or his or her nanny, nor with the government.

The answer is with you the parent in your relationship with your child. No one matters more in
the life of your child than you do. You are singled out to believe in your child and to help the
child to build a healthy self-worth consciousness.

It is through your eyes, your behaviour, your words, and your thoughts that your child learns
about his or her self-worth, his or her worth in the eyes of God and how to relate to others. All of
what the child learns from the parent affects his or her present, future, and the generations
to come.

As a parent, you shoulder an awesome and an exciting responsibility because if you believe in
your child, you give him or her the power to believe in him or herself. Self- confidence is a
crucial virtue in parenting.

Knowing What You Want to Achieve

Having the clarity of what you want to achieve in your parenting role can be a very fundamental
tool in the hands of a single parent that would enhance his or her parenting endeavour.

When you have the clarity of what you want, all your choices come down to two key questions:
What is my ultimate priority, and is this decision or action advancing that ultimate
priority?

Clarity of what you want can be the energy that you need as a single parent to be able to subdue
every form of challenge that shows up in your pursuit of raising a self-confident child. Clarity of
purpose gives you the tenacity to hang in there as well as the determination to be pro-active in
forming a plan for your own wellbeing cum that of your family.

When parents aptly strike a good balance between rules, love and limits in parenting, it helps to
bring health to the child and to your home as well as sanity to you as a person.

Considering the fact that single parenthood is no small responsibility, anyone with a single
parent status, must be willing and determined to know and have what it takes to be able to
effectively play this role.

Every single parent whether assisted or not, should be personally ready to sharpen their know-
how on parenting in order to be able to smoothly discharge the functions of single parenthood.

The single parent who intentionally or unintentionally fails in this task, should know that their
failure would not only affect their child, nor them as the parent, but the society as a whole.

Caring for Yourself

Sometimes, parents feel selfish when they do something that is personally beneficial to
themselves. Caring for yourself is not being selfish at all. As a single parent, if you fail to take
personal care of yourself, then how would that help you in your task of catering for your child?
Intentionally taking care of yourself is directly empowering yourself to be effective in your
parenting role. Some aspects of self-care include but are not limited to:

1) Healthy eating: Healthy eating is vital for the maintenance of good health and vitality.
One’s nutrition largely determines his or her health and energy levels. Therefore, a parent
who wants to be effectively available for their child must not neglect working hard on
taking good care of what, when and how he or she eats. Your eating habit must be aimed
at enhancing your holistic physical wellbeing because you need to be healthy and strong
to be able to properly give your child the attention he or she needs for their balanced
growth.
2) Get Healthy Sleep: Giving yourself some healthy sleep as a lifestyle is non-negotiable if
you truly want to be effectively there for your child’s daily welfare. Without enough
sleep, you won’t be able to go through the day and the child becomes the victim. As a
 parent, you must therefore not take your sleep for granted. Anytime you forfeit your sleep
due to some unforeseen occurrences, also make sure that you intentionally find a way to
do the necessary catchups because the human body can only take so much before it says,
“No more, I quit!” Inasmuch as healthy sleeping would definitely enhance an
individual’s energy and health levels, it should also be moderated in order to avoid
oversleeping which on the other hand constitutes a hazard.
3) Physical Exercises: The importance of physical exercise for the purpose of maintaining
good health and fitness cannot be overemphasised. The benefits of physical exercises to
the wellness of the human body are multifaceted. Therefore, a parent who wants to be
effectively functional in his or her parental undertakings should at all costs find ways to
fit in physical exercise sessions in his or her routines. The beauty of physical exercise is
that it can be built into your life through the simple things. You can do it in the company
of your baby as well as not, depending on your personal convenience. In other words,
you can use your discretion to come up with customised ways on how to fit in physical
exercises into your routines.
4) Socialising: As a parent, even though your parental responsibilities may crowd you to
the extent that you are barely able to squeeze time for stuff like partying and other social
activities. But you have to remember that your parental status does not have to deprive
you of the right to your social wellbeing. You don’t have to only focus on your
obligations as a human being. You owe yourself a balance between labour, rest and
leisure. Why? Because socialising has the capacity to lighten your mood and make you
feel happier.
It also has the potency to lower your risk of dementia. It enhances your brain health.
It promotes your sense of safety, belonging and security.
It allows you to be able to confide in the trusted others and also let them confide in you,
etc.
5) Physical Looks: How you look physically in terms of, hair style, beards, manner of
dress, weight, facial features, etc., also affects how you feel. Why? Because one feels
very reassured when other people admire them and prefer to associate with as they find
you very attractive. Good looks enhances a person’s self-esteem. Therefore, a parent who
looks his or her best is mentally more poised in the discharge of her parenting functions.
 6) Personal Development: Personal development maybe defined simply as a process in
which a person reflects upon him or herself, understands who they are, accepts what they
discover about themselves, and learn or unlearn new sets of values, attitudes, behaviour,
and thinking. With the objective of acquiring skills in order to reach their fullest potential
as human beings. Personal development has the propensity to:
 Boost your motivation
 Advance your skills in your area of endeavour
 Keeps you moving
 Increases your productivity
 Improves your self-control
 Leads to greater success, etc.

A healthy lifestyle in general will not only help you feel better, but it can also reduce the risk of
some diseases, lengthen your lifespan, save you money, etc. But your version of a healthy
lifestyle is whatever you define it to be.

When you are not at your healthiest, you can probably tell. You simply feel “off.” You may find
that you feel tired, your digestive system is not functioning as well as it normally does, and you
seem to catch colds. Mentally, you may find you can’t concentrate and feel anxious or
depressed.

A healthy lifestyle can help you feel better. You don’t have to overhaul your entire life
overnight. It is pretty easy to make a couple of changes that can steer you in the direction of
improved well-being. Once you make one change, the success that comes with it can motivate
you to continue to make more positive shifts.

If you cut corners on your own health, both you and your child will suffer. But if you look out
for yourself, you’re also looking out for your kids.

Some Consequences of Inbalanced Parenting

 Your child may develop behavioral problems
 Your child may miss having the missing parent in his or her life
 Your child can be less motivated
  May experience pent-up emotions such as grief and anger
 May find it difficult to build relationships, etc.

But if a single parent knows what it takes and is willing and determined to raise a balanced child,
he or she will be able to raise children that would become role models even to their peers raised
in intact families.

A child from a single parent background can only be affected negatively if the parent
consciously or unconsciously fails to give his or her child a balanced upbringing.

On the other hand, even some children from single parent households who were not given any
exemplary upbringing, can personally choose to painstakingly take the right steps in the right
direction and become the envy of the society. Many of such examples abound. But the credit in
such cases would not go to the parents. It rather goes to such children and becomes a lost
opportunity to their parents. Why, because it ought to be the pride of every parent especially
single parents, for their grownups to become their shinning legacy. One of the best rewards of
parenting is the legacy or the positive imprint a parent leaves in the life of their child.

My Personal Experience as a Product of Single Parenthood

I and my siblings are products of single-parenthood. As already narrated in the first chapter of
this book, my darling mother of blessed memory was not fortunate to have a rosy marriage. Her
union with our darling dad could not be held together for a long time.

Following the early disintegration of their marriage, my mum personally preferred to keep
custody of us. That motherly decision did not go without its associated price. As a divorcee
with no immediate source of livelihood, the hardships associated with our new lives nearly
strangled us to death.

The task of our being raised by mum as a single parent was a tug of war. The hardships were
multifaceted. But like in a typical game of tug of war, our mum consistently proved that it was a
war she was ready to fight and fight right to the finishing line.
Like in most real-life battles, the realities of life gave my mum all forms of hard punches. But
being the true fighter that she had become, she did not take any of life’s blows lightly. She did
everything within her powers to defend herself and her family and fought back every single
adversary that attempted to thwart her parenting efforts with the determination of a winning
fighter.

The feats of motherhood that our mum exuded as the mother hen of her chicks were so
admirable. Her energy, her cheer, her courage, her determination, her enthusiasm, her zest and
zeal to provide us with a solid foundation on which our adulthood was to be built was so
palpable.

The great parental qualities that our mum exhibited, were good, strong, and visible enough to
turn us into her fans. As a result, we got contaminated by her vibe and did not only become her
fans but became her veritable team mates in her motherhood game.

Our synergy with mum did not in any way eradicate our hardships. But it somehow made the
fight lighter for mum and the impact less severe on us.

At the end of the day, the universe conspired with our team efforts resulting in us not being a
source of headache to mummy Miriam Mboh throughout her lifetime.

Two days before her death at about age 90, I can still recall the warmth of her telephone
conversation with us. Even though it was my last chat with her, even though she was in pains,
but I could still sense a lot of life in the quality of our conversation. The quality of her voice as
well as the content of her discussion on her end of that conversation did not give me any clue
that that was our very last interaction. Although very sick and hospitalised during that
conversation, her sense of gratitude to God for having surrounded her with children like us was
still intact.

Looking at how my mum managed single parenthood with no significant material resources, no
formal education, no support programme, I can say here loud and clear that single parenthood is
not a fatality. It is not a misfortune. It is not a burden. It is just a responsibility and can be
subdued like every other life challenge if the single parent in question means business.
Without being exaggerative, I want to think that my mum’s version of single- parenthood
happened to have been one of the most difficult that I’ve ever come across. The community in
which we were raised provided mum with a great enabling environment because of its spirit of
hospitality. But apart from its characteristic spirit of hospitality, the community had very little or
no material nor financial resources to support us with. Consequently, our mum had the personal
obligation of improvising methods and strategies on how to survive and also guarantee the
survival of her family.

Talking about improvising methods and strategies of survival, as babies, we could see all of that
through mum’s eyes, aura, behaviour, words, and even her thoughts. It’s largely thanks to the
solid character that mum inculcated in us that we got to learn about our self-worth, our worth in
God’s eyes as well as how to smoothly relate with the outer world right from our infancy.

Apart from our case, many a single parent in spite of a myriad of odds, have also succeeded
tremendously in raising children who have become global flagships in various fields of
endeavours across the globe. This should go a long way to buttress the point that even though
single-parenting is tough, the good news is that any single-parent who means business for his or
her family, can effectively overcome all the hurdles associated with single-parenthood.

One single parent that has taken after our mum, is my immediate little sister- Maggie Mbong.
Like our mum, her own marriage was also shortlived. But hitherto the early death of her dear
husband, they had been blessed with four very beautiful girls. Her husband’s premature death
did not permit him to leave his wife and babies with neither a house, money, nor anything of
value apart from their wonderful babies. Consequently, right from day one of my sister’s
widowhood, my beloved sister had nothing to inherit apart from her offspring and the daunting
responsibilities associated with having to raise them as a single mother.

Like mother-like-daughter, Maggie’s lone choice was to move in with our mum in her village
studio apartment. Our mother’s one bedroom apartment, her unconditional acceptance and love
for her battered daughter and the grand babies as well as her subsistence farms were the only
immediate assets that they had to depend on for their daily survival.
But in spite of all these odds, my little sister under the tutelage of our ageing but caring mother
did not in anyway fail in improvising ethical methods and means to providing those kids with
the upbringing that would guarantee their growth into healthy adults.

Today, apart from Maggie’s last child who is still pursuing her secondary education, the rest of
her daughters have all gained their indepence and some of them are able to also dignifiably
assist their mother.

My sister in spite of the blow of losing her husband to death at the prime of her marriage, in spite
of not inheriting a house, money, or any other form of valuable from her very short marriage,
did not allow her disadvantage to be able to call the shots on her wayforward in the journey of
life.

My little sitser in her struggles with single-parenting, was never a source of burden to neither me
nor our late elder brother. Her not being a burden to me in particular, have spurred me over the
years to be of enormous support to her and her progenies as if they were my immediate
responsibility. Each time I have had to assist her, I see it as a privilege and not a burden thanks
to her whole-hearted style of assuming her parental role over her children. Her devotion in
taking good care of her family has made me to be very proud of her, resulting in my wanting to
identify with her success.

My late mother and my darling sister- Maggie have been two exemplary single parents closest
to me who have demystified single-parenting in phenominal proportions. If these two single
mums, could excel in their single-parenting roles in spite of their acute empty-handedness, then
every other single mum should be inspired to know that it takes more than money or physical
resources to become an award –winning parent.

Once you are willing and determined, the rest of the resources needed to accompany you in your
single-parenting endeavours, will providentially fall in place. I say this with every iota of
confidence in me because I’ve personally lived it.

Some Shining Examples of Children that Were Raised By Single Parents:

 Barack Obama: At age two, his parents divorced. Consequently, his mum had no other
choice than to squarely embrace the responsibility of carrying on with the job of raising
their son without the physical involvement of the child’s biological dad. For a start,
“Money was tight. She collected food stamps and relied on her parents to help take care
of young Barack.” Not very long after her divorce with Barack Obama’s father, Ann
Dunham again fell in love and remarried another foreign student- Lolo Soeroto-“a man
whose history, whose country, she barely knew.” Following Ann’s new marriage, she
and her son-Barack Obama Jr. consequently had to leave the U.S.A. and follow her new
husband to Indonesia which had become her new country. Life in her new country was
relatively different in many ways. Indonesia was culturally different to the United States
and the young Barry while in his new host country was going to get exposed to all these
differences. But his mum driven by the imprint she wanted to make on her son, did not
leave any stone unturned in giving her child all the needed inputs that would eventually
turn him into the phenominal universal figure that the world has come to know Barry for.
One of the strategies she employed to guarantee that Barack became who we have come
to know him for today is that she set an alarm clock in his bedroom that rang at 3
o’clock every morning. Whenever the alarm rang, she will enter Baracck’s room to
either play him the music of Mahalia Jackson, or read him the biography of Malcom X,
or make him listen to the Reverend Martin Luther King. Also, as a staff of the U.S.
embassy in Jakatar, Ann Dunham also developed the habit of taking Barack along to
work in order to give him access to the embassy library in a bid to instill in the young
boy a readership and studious culture. Barely six months upon arrival in Indonesia,
Barack Obama had already learned the language of his new people. “Barry had to know
how to be everything: American,black, white, cosmopolitan-because this was his future,
the recklessly audacious and vissionary dream of his mother. She was forcibly
inculcating him with a sense of belonging to the African –American culture gaining
traction in the United States, taking a political shape, with a common identity and
language.” According to former President Obama himself, his mum did not have it easy.
She had the obligation to move on with her life but also had a son to pull along. While
she was working very hard at moulding the Barack of her dreams, at any state that she
was faced with any odds that seemed to pose a threat to the realisation of her goal for
Barry, she would look for workable alternatives that would help her in the advancement
of her cause. For example, when her second marriage with her Indonesian husband
began to hit the rocks, in order not to allow it to twart her dream for her son, she sent him
back to her parents in the United Staes because she was confident that her parents would
be able to carryon with the project that she had carved out for her son. Ann’s parents had
repeatedly proven that they were a force she could count on regarding the herculian
vission that she had in store for Barry. Her sending her son back to the states was a
healthy form of protectionism at work. She had the responsibility and the obligation to
protect her good dream against all forms of predators. Ms. Ann Dunham, her parents and
to some extent, Lolo Soetoro deserve all the acolades for their dedication in playing
their respective roles in giving Barack Obama a qualitative upbringing that eventually
resulted in the production of a very fine universal figure. Another solid feat that Barack
Obama’s mother exhibited in her single-parenting role is seen in the smooth handling her
divorces with her two ex-husbands. Her divorce with Barack Obama Sr., as well as with
Maya’s dad-Lolo Soetoro was executed ammicably resulting in her maintenance of
cordial relationships with the both men. She did not only maintain smooth relationships
with the fathers to her two precious children after their divorce, but most importantly
helped the children to accept and love their absentee dads unconditionally. I strongly
believe that her ability in helping her children not to resent their respective dads largely
contributed in easing her single-parenting job in varied ways. Ann Dunhan is said to
have left her second husband due to the fact that she did not want to have more children
whereas her husband was bent on having more children. I also believe that her decision to
limit the number of her children to two only was probably because of the weight of the
kind of inputs that she had mapped out for each of her kids. This should underscore the
point that quality parenting is not cheap. Quality parenting entails; a strategic as well as
an operational plan, the determination to follow through with the implimentation of the
strategy, as well as all the human and material resources required to turn a dream into a
concrete reality.
In the case of Ms. Ann Dunham, she did not allow anything to chance in her efforts of
producing her dream children. Looking at President Obama’s strides as a high achiever,
one would clearly see his mother’s imprints all over him. In him, we see an intelligent,
likeable, independent, courageous, audacious, courteous, tolerant, charismatic,
personality produced by a mum that knew exactly the kind of child that she dreamed to
mould.
Barry’s excellence and dexterity in being able to move a crowd of thousands of people
very different from him, certainly “ has something to do with having a parent who gazed
at different cultures the way some other people study gems.” Barack Obama states that;
His mum had spent her last ten years doing what she loved. She traveled the world
working in the distant fields of Asia and Africa, helping women buy a sewing machine or
a milk cow or an education that might give them a foothold in the world’s economy.”
That even while she was battling with her health, she did so with grace and good
humour, and still helped him and his sibling push on with their lives, despite of their
dread, their denials, their sudden constrictions of the heart. Obama says that his mother
was a “single constant” in his life. He says that the imprints of his mother did not end
with him and his sister. That in his daughters, he sees his mother everyday, her joy, her
capacity for wonder. That he knows that “ she was the kindest, most generous he has
ever known, and that what is best in him today he owes it to her.”
That his mother would frequently remind him that; “ If you want to grow into a human
being, “ you’re going to need some values.”
Barack Obama says his parents divorced when he was barely two years old. But that the
bond of love that existed between him, his mum, and dad survived the distances. That’s
to say, the fact that he could still experience some bond of love flowing between him
and his parents in spite of the physical absence of his father in their practical lives, speaks
volumes of Ms. Ann Dunham’s commitment in providing their son with healthy
parenting.
Similarly, that Barack Obama is the first black American to have become the president
of the strongest country on planet earth also has something to do with having a father
who was one of the first Africans to attend the University of Hawaii.
Barack Obama says his mother would remind him that ; “ You have me to thank for your
eyebrows… your dad has these little wispey eyebrows that don’t amount to much. But
your brains, your character, you got from him.”
 Barack Obama’s father was also the first foreign student who helped organised the
International Students Asociation, of which he became the first president.
Like- father, like-son, Barack Obama Jr. was the first black president of the Havard Law
Review.
Like father, like-son, Barack Obama takes after his father in his prowess of public
oration.
His Kenyan father is remebered by one of his student’s days friend –a member of the
U.S. congress –Neil Abercrombie as a personality of phenominal oration.

Barack Obama’s Personal Inputs to Who and What He has Become

He says there were instances that he ran into problems that he shouldn’t have if his dad had put
in his own quota of physical influence in his upbringing. But the end of his ordeal as a child
from a single-parent household is that even though single-parenting had some toll on his upbring,
he quickly learned to seize the second chances that life afforded him. That is how he finally
made it to college and to the law school leading to the realisation of his life’s dream. As a
product of single-parenthood, President Barack Obama advises that; “There is no excuse for not
trying.” “Where you are right now doesn’t have to determine where you will end up.” No one
should write your destiny for you. “You make your own future.” Whatever you resolve to do,
you must be determined to commit to it and really work at it. Any personal dream can be
pursued and turned into a reality. President Barack Obama’s life can be considered as a template
for this school of thought.

Benjamin Solomon Carson, Sr.: The renowned American Neurosurgeon is another

shinning example of a child from a single-parent background whose life has proven
beyond reasoanable doubt that single parents have what it takes to be able to raise
balanced children. Dr. Ben Carson’s dad like that of President Barack Obama left them
to their mum at their infancy. Consequently, their mum had to raise their two sons all by
herself in very dire living conditions. It is said that the weight of raising their two sons
alone did not leave her without some severe damage: That along the line, she suffered
severe depression and was subjected to psychiatric treatments. In spite of all the odds, Dr.
Ben Carson’s mum did not take her duties as a parent lying down. From her negligeble
maid’s earnings, she made sure that her boys were provided solid schooling and healthy
home upbring. Another odd that Ben Carson’s heroic mum had to help her son with was
Ben’s low grades in his middle school class. Besides the ridicule that his poor grades
had brought upon him among his mates and the teachers, it had also made him to
believe that he was not smart to be able to cope with his schooling demands. But the
interesting thing here is that his mum chose that she was going to be the last person to
start thinking that her child did not have a great IQ. She did not for once entertain the
thought of her son not being intelectually sound. Even though she herself was just a third
grade dropout, that did not stop her from taking the personal responsibility of becoming a
governess to her boys. One of her strategies was that she cut off the television set from
them and made Ben and his sibling to hit the books-books that she herself could scarcely
read. As young Ben’s school work began to catch up with that of his classmates, and then
began to surpass that of his class mates, his whole view of himself and of the wider world
around him began to change. He began to think that he wanted to become a doctor. And
with the backing of his mum, he successfully followed through with his dream and
today is being celebrated as a phenomenal global neurosurgen. Growing up and being
challenged by dire poverty, poor grades, a horrible temper, and low self-esteem might
appeared to have precluded the realisation of the young Ben’s lofty dream. But his
mother, with only a third-grade education, continually challenged and cheered her sons
to strive for excellence.
Ben believed in his mum, believed in himself, persevered, cooperated with the mother.
Thanks to that mother-son synergy, today Ben is celebrated as an emeritus professor of
neurosurgery, oncology, plastic surgery, and pedatrics at the Johns Hopkins School of
Medicine, where he directed pediatric neurosurgery at the Johns Hopkins Children’s
Centre for 29 years. He was the inaugural recipient of a professorship dedicated in his
name in May 2008 and is now the emeritus Benjamin S. Carson, Sr., MD.
Some of Ben’s career feats include: The first and only successful separation of
craniopagus (Siamse) twins joined at the back of the head in 1987, the first completely
successful separation of type-2 vertical craniopagus twins in 1997 in South Africa, and
the first successful placement of an intrauterine shunt for a hydrocephalic twin. Although
he has been involved in newsworthy operations, he feels that every case is noteworthy
and deserving of maximum attention. He is interested in all aspects of pediatric
neurosurgery, and has a special interest in trigeminal neuralgia (a verse facial pain
condition) in adults.
Dr, Carson holds more than 60 honorary doctorate degrees and has received litterally
hundreds of awards and citations. He is a member of the Alpha Omega Alpha Honor
Medical Society, the Institute of Medicine/ National Academy of Science, the Horatio
Alger Society of Distinguished Americans, and many other prestigious organisations. He
has served on the board of directors of numerous organisations, including Kellog
Company, Costco Wholesale Corporation, the Academy of Achievement, Vaccinogen
which is a Maryland-based cancer vaccine research and development company, and is an
emeritus Fellow of the Yale Corporation, the governing body of Yale University. He was
appointed in 2004 by President George W. Bush to serve on the President’s Council on
Biothics. He is a highly regarded motivational speaker who has addressed various
audiences from school systems and civic groups to corporations and has spoken twice
during the President’s National Prayer Breakfast in 1997 and 2013.
In 2001, Dr, Carson was named by CNN and TIME Magazine as one of the nation’s 20
most foremost physicians and scientists. The same year, he was elected by the Library of
Congress as one of 89 “Living Legends” on the occasion of its 200 th anniversary. He is
also the recipient of the 2006 Spingam Medal which is the highest honour bestowed by
the NAACP. In February 2008, Dr. Ben Carson was presented with the Ford’s Theatre
Lincoln Medal by President George W. Bush at the White House. In June 2008, he was
awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom by the President, which is the highest
civilian honour in the land. Dr. Carson was recognised in November 2008 by U.S. News
& World Report and on Havard’s Center for Public Leadership, as one of “ America’s
Best Leaders.” On February 7, 2009, the award-winning movie titled “ Gifted Hands: The
Ben Carson Story,” starting Cuba Gooding, Jr. as Dr. Carson, premiered on TNT and is
based on his memoir.
Dr. Carson is co-founder of the Carson Scholars Fund, which recognises young people of
all backgrounds for exceptional academic and humanitarian accomplishments. The Fund
is currently operating in 50 states and the District of Columbia in the U.S, having
 awarded more than $6.7 million dollars to more than 6,700 scholars. The programme also
establishes Ben Carson Reading Rooms to encourage young students and their families to
discover the pleasure to be found in books and to recognise the true power of learning.
On March 2, 2017, President Donald Trump appointed Dr. Ben Carson to his cabinet as
the Secretary of the U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development (HUD), where
he served until the end of Trump’s presidency in January 2021.
His books include the following: Gifted Hands, Think Big, The Big Picture and Take the
Risk: Learning to Identify, Choose and Live with Acceptable Risk (January 2008),
America the Beautiful: Rediscovering What Made This Nation Great, One Nation: What
We Can All Do To Save America’s Future, One Vote: Make Your Voice Heard, You
Have a Brain: A Teen’s Guide to T.H.I.N.K B.I.G., which encourages young people to
aim high, More Perfect Union.
Dr. Carson is a highly sought-after inspirational and motivational speaker. Dr. Carson
has been married for over 40 years to his wife, Candy, and is father of three adult sons
and has two grandchildren.
Dr. Benjamin Carson’s mum must be credited for sowing that rich seed in the lives of
her children. Her key tool was to inculcate a sense of self-confidence in her children and
she greatly achieved that objective. This boils down to the fact that a parent’s primary
arsenal in his or her parenting role is the “imprint” he or she wants to make on the child.
Once the clarity of a parent’s imprint on her child has been established, that parent should
rest assured that no odd would be unsurmountable to him or her as they embark on the
noble duty of raising balanced children. Like Dr. Ben Carson’s mum, every other parent
can effectively leave a great legacy for their offspring.

The third personality in our study of some shining examples of children raised from single-
parents’ backgrounds is Mr. Roland Fomundam.

His own story unlike the preceding ones was procured through a questionnaire. Like that of
former President Barack Obama as well as that of Dr. Ben Carson, this story is full of
worthwhile lessons that can help anyone to know that no background no matter how
disadvantaged it may seem , shouldn’t be allowed to put an individual’s back on the ground.
Below is the full content of my dialogue with Mr. Roland Fomundam:
  Roland Fomundam:

Author : 1) Background: Who is Mr. Roland Fomundam and has your background influenced
the who you have become?

Mr. Roland Fomundam: Roland Fomundam is a social entrepreneur. Growing up, I have
always had the need to do something different. And what better way to live life than do
something never believed to be done… It’s such a fullfillment.

Author: 2) Your Driving Force: Can you cite and summarise some of the experiences or
happenings (defining moments) in your life that have helped in one or varied ways to shape the
person that you have become with the passage of time?

Mr. Roland Fomundam: On August 12 2006, I was involved in a fatal accident that left me in
a comma for sometime. During this trans period, I am sure I visited the other side and was given
a chance to come back. Waking up from the comma, I had just one thing in mind – to do it great
for this chance won’t come again…

Author: 3) Bootstrapping: Is your success story traceable to bootstrapping or to a combination

of factors?

Mr. Roland Fomundam: Our story has been unique in every way… It has been a combination
of resilience, persistence and consistency. We have had to grow simply through bootstrapping
and leveraging on creative innovations and strategies that have positioned us at the top of our
industry.
Author: 4) Setbacks: Are there factors that would have served as impediments to your
becoming who you have become?

Mr. Roland Fomundam: There have always been set backs. But these set back have been the
force of propulsion. Our story is simply a summary of overcoming these set backs and then
paving the path that will be used by everyone else .

There have been many setbacks. There continue to be setbacks. Amazingly, these setbacks have
rather had a positive effect- they have reinforced our reason to do great and even greater. Today,
because we overcame certain setbacks, we have encouraged many who now follow our path and
many more will carry on after us. In essence, these said setbacks have been a force of
propulsion.

Author: 5) Your Strengths: In which ways did you get to leverage yourself that has resulted in
your being able to successfully subdue the factors that would have hindered you from identifying
and developing your potentials?

Mr. Roland Fomundam: Staying focused on the goals always and refuse to be distracted.

Author: 6) Getting Started: How hard or easy has it been with your getting started with
your various goals including your international studies as well as your agri-business?

Mr. Roland Fomundam: The easiest thing is getting started. The most difficult is deciding what
to start with and how to get started. But everything takes careful planning. You have to plan to
think of how to start even before getting started.
Author: 7) What Has Success Been to You? Success to some people equals stress, fear,
strained relationships, poor health, and a lot of other negative consequences. Has this been the
case with you?

Mr. Roland Fomundam: Success is not an attainment. It is a continuous process.

For us, success has been a lifestyle which is sustained through the combined efforts of a team
that works towards mutual outcomes. Success is an environment achieved through the
interactions of several livable pocessess occurring simultaneously through our works.
Success is a series of successive approximations. It is not an attainment. It is marked by a lot of
factors that will either make or break your progress in the process. So, you focus on the
essentials and all that keeps you moving forward. Until discipline becomes the key to your
success, then you find success a very difficult blessing to achieve.

Author: 8) Testimony: Can you personally attest that you have achieved or that you are
successfully attaining your original purpose?

Mr. Roland Fomundam: Success is a series of successive approximations. We are well on our
way, we see no limit as yet.

Author: 9) Your Role Models: Are there some personalities that have been your idols and
whose character and exploits have been a compass to your journey of life so far?

Mr. Roland Fondam : Your only role model is you. You have to be able to look into yourself
daily and remind yourself to be a better version for your kids. I grew up without a father, whom
I would have considered a role model.
Author: 10) Any Regrets: If you were to start all over, would you still dare to make the choices
you have made so far?

Mr. Roland Fomundam: No regrets – it has been a learning curve and with continuous
improvement.

Author: 11) Advice to the Youth: Considering your various pursuits and their successful
outcome, would you confidently recommend same path to today’s youth?

Mr. Roland Fomundam: No. Everyone should find and follow their path… The mistake is
following a path not destined for you. Seek and find purpose, then you will find your path. It
may take time, effort and resources beyond your reach- that’s where discipline and sacrifice of
your wants over your needs come into play.

Author: 12) Legacy: What would you like to be particularly remembered for?

Mr. Roland Fomundam: Remembered for the things I did. To have introduced and championed
second generation farming in Cameroon – a legacy that will stand the test of time.

Author: 13) LAST WORD: Drawing from your wealth of wisdom, what can you propose as a
way out from the rat race that many have found themselves in their pursuance of success?

Mr. Roland Fomundam: The rat race is simply by those who lack humility. Be humble and
serendipity will take its course your way.
Government’s Role in Single- Parenting

In a bid to reduce some of the deficiencies associated with raising children from single as well
as struggling parents households, some governments across the globe in accordance to the U.N.
Convention on the rights of the child have carefully designed and put in place children’s
support programmes and resources that subsidise the cost of catering for the psychological and
material needs of children under single or struggling parents’ status.

But regrettably, in some some parts of our developing world, little or nothing of significance is
being done by the state parties to accompny needy households.

Consequently, some single and struggling parents as well as their children have mercilessly
found themselves on harm’s way.

Looking at the importanc of balanced or healthy parenting in every society, I strongly advocate
that each responsible government needs to have schemes that ensure that all its future citizens
are armed with healthy childhoods because good governance must include the prevention of
anything that has the potential of creating societal hazards in the short or long run.

Considering that the task of single and struggling parenthood is not just pretty arduous but
delicate because the quality of parenting you give a child can to a very large extent determine
the kind of adult that you eventually churn out to the society,

Considering the different attendant problems that plague the society resulting from loopholes in
parenting,

Considering the impact of the spillover of these problems on the smooth functioning of the
society,

Considering the effects of these attendant problems on governance, and so on and so forth,

The governments of countries that have not yet designed and put in place schemes and
resources to accompany struggling families in the provision of balanced parenting, should
understand that they are being penny wise and pound foolish.
I strongly believe that the social ills that spillover from lapses in parenting can be drastically
minimised if the governments of concerned families can go the extra-mile in providing
relevant support to needy households. I am convinced that if struggling households are
actually given the support they need in their parenting endeavours by the states’ parties , such
support would definitely go a long way to leverage the beneficiary parents to be able to offset
the hurdles of life that are usually responsible for producing deliquents.

Visibility and Accessibility of State Parties Support Resources:

In order for needy households to be able to concretely gain access to the existing support
resources and benefit from them, governments and its partners charged with providing such
resources, also have the duty of giving the public enough exposure to these support schemes.

In order to help prospective beneficiary parties to fully benefit from the various state parties
support schemes, it is incumbent on state parties and its partners to provide the public with
enough visibility on its existing support actions.

In most cases, most needy families don’t get to make use of the existing support resources
merely because they are first and foremost not even aware of the existence of these support
programmes.

If governments and their partners need to achieve some good success in their support drive to
needy families, they equally need to consider taking seriously the responsibility of giving
prospective beneficiaries easy access to the existing support resources.

In Cameroon for example, the government through the Ministry of Women Empowerment and
Family have put in place schemes that accompany single parents/struggling households in varied
aspects. But unfortunately, many needy families in the country are not able to seize these
opportunities because they are not aware of their existence.

In this Google age, it isn’t very costly putting information in the public space. In my capacity as
a hunter of data, while looking for information related to government’s support schemes for
single-parents/ struggling families in Cameroon, I came across some utilitarian information on
what the state of Cameroon has in place for its struggling citizens and I was wowed by my
discovery. But unfortunately enough, this lofty role that the government plays to aleviate the
suffering of some of its households is not easily accessible. For example, for the purpose of this
book project, in my search for information on this subject, after my unsuccessful combing of
the internet for government data on Cameroon for days, I was obliged to use the “bricks and
mortar” approach in a bid to get the needed data. Even at that, I had to physically approach the
services of the Regional Delegation of the Ministry in charge of Women Empowerment and
Family severally but could not be given access to my needed data. I remember at one point, an
official of the Regional Delegation of this service even told me that only her minister had the
capacity to study my request and thereafter decide if I merited being given access to the said
government information or not. To cut a long story short, it finally took me over a month to
obtain the needed data. I am very satisfied and grateful to the Sub Divisional Delegate of
Women Empowerment and Family- Douala iv and her staff for their sense of professionalism
and cooperation that finally led to my having free access to Cameroon government’s support
actions to its needy citizens.

But looking at the hurdles that I as a writer had to surmount before being given access to this
information, I can imagine how herculian it would be for an ordinary citizen who is in need of
government support. There shouldn’t be any bottle-necks on accessing these existing
[Link] personnel that represent these government services should understand that most
citizens in struggling conditions in the country should be seen as people in need of some sort of
mental health therapy. As such, those who approach the government offices in search of support
of any form, should meet a personnel that assures them that they are in a place of succour and not
the reverse. That was my impression when I approoached the personnel of the Douala iv Women
Empowerment and Family in my search for information and that is supposed to be the norm and
not the exception when it comes to public service delivery of any kind.

Cameroon Government Available Support Resources to Single-Parents/

Struggling Families Include:

1. Education Sessions and Awareness Raising:

During commemoration days, the different decentralised services of the ministry
organises educative talks in order to raise awareness, educate, inform, and sensitize
 members of women associations, members of respective communities, students, youths,
children on different topiccs. The objective here is to familiarise the population on their
rights and duties as parents, children, and citizens. These educative and awareness
discourses handles themes such as:
 Gender-Based Violence,
 Violence Against Women,
 The Protection of the Rights of Widows,
 Balanced Parenting,
 Prenuptial, Marital and Family Education.

2. Conflict Management:
The promotion of peace and reconciliation in the family and social cohesion, constitutes
one of government’s obligation to families. The ministry through its decentralised
services is charged with the responsibility of resolving marital, family, and cohabitation
conflicts.
In this aspect, the government has an open-door policy that provides counseling and
psychological assistance to those who solicit its services.

3. Economic Empowerment:

Here, the government accompanies prospective beneficiaries by organising training workshops

during commemorative days in a bid to empower trainees with skills necessary for the creation
of income generating activities such as; the production of different types of soaps, yoghurt,
sausages, vinegar, etc. The aim of these training programmes is to encourage young girls and
women to be financially self-reliant.

Some Useful Statistics on Single Parenting in the USA in 2023

1) 25% of U.S. families are headed by a single parent.

2) 80% of single-parent headed households are mums – or
3) 21% of U.S. children live primarily with single mums, according to census data.
 4) Studies estimate that by the time children turn 9, 20% of U.S. children born to a married
couple will experience the breakup of their folks.

5) 18-29 – year old millennial mums value parenthood far more than marriage.
6) 40% of babies born in the U.S. were born to an unmarried mum in 2018, according to
census data.
7) The rate of babies born to single mums has comparatively declined slightly. But there is a
rise in babies born to single mothers by choice, women who tend to be older, more
educated, and with higher income.

Single Mothers by Race and Percentage in the U.S.A

Percentage of White Single Mothers 40%

Percentage of Single Black Mothers 30%

Percentage of Hispanic Single Mothers 24%

Percentage of Asian Single Mothers 3%

Single- Parent Families by Race in the United States:

1) American Indians- 52%

2) Asian and Pacific Islander-15%
3) Black or African American -64%
4) Hispanic or Latino-42%
5) White (Non-Hispanic) -24%
6) Two or more races-40%

Challenges of Single -Parent Families-U.S.A.- Case Study

According to an article by Annie E. Foundation, over 50% of children born to cohabiting couples
will experience a parent leaving the home. And 20% of children whose parents are married will
experience a divorce by the time they turn 9 years old. This equates to disruptions in routines,
living spaces, education, and household income.

Single parenting when not effectively assumed by the concerned parent deprives the children of
a stable, safe nurturing environments where their emotional and physical needs ought to be met.

Chapter Four

Relationship Intelligence

Relationship intelligence can simply be referred to as the ability to understand and interact
effectively with others. It involves effective verbal and non-verbal communication, the ability to
note distinctions among others, sensitivity to the mood and temparaments of others, and the
ability to entertain multiple perspectives.

A person with high relationship intelligence can read the non-verbal cues, facial expressions,
and the behavious of others accurately. This person is able to see situations from multiple
perspectives, empathise with others, and get along with most people without much friction.

In short, people with high relationship intelligence have a great ability to build healthy
relationships with others, and usually have good social skills, since they communicate effectively
and usually have the ability to work in a [Link] intelligence is perhaps the most
enviable form of intelligence.

Tips on How to Improve on Your Relationship intelligence?

Relationship intelligence is about understanding, managing, and improving the quality of your
interactions and connections with others. In order to improve on your relationship intelligence,
you need the following key tips:

1. Active Listening:

-Practise listening attentively to others without interrupting.

-Focus on understanding their perspective before formulating a response.

- Use non-verbal cues like nodding, eye contact, and facial expressions to show you’re
engaged.

2. Empathy
-Put yourself in other’s shoes to understand their emotions and experiences.
-Show genuine concern for others’ feelings and acknowledge their emotions.
3. Effective Communication
- Be clear, concise, and transparent when expressing your thoughts and needs.
- Use “I” statements (e.g., “ I feel …”) to avoid placing blame.
- Practise both verbal and non-verbal communication skills, like maintaining open
body language.
4. Emotional Regulation
- Stay aware of your emotions and how they influence your interactions.
- Practise calming techniques, such as deep breathing or pausing, before responding
when upset.
- Learn to manage stress and avoid projecting negative emotions onto others.
5. Adaptability
-Be flexible in your communication style depending on the person or situation.
- Recognise that different people require different approaches based on their preferences,
personalities, or cultural backgrounds.
- Be willing to adjust your expectations in relationships to meet the needs of others.
6. Trust-Building
- Be reliable and consistent in your words and actions.
- Follow through on commitments to build credibility.
- Show vulnerability by opening up, which can encourage others to trust you in return.
7. Conflict Resolution Skills
- Approach conflicts with a problem-solving mindset rather than a confrontational
attitude.
- Focus on resolving the issue instead of placing blame or winning the argument.
- Practise compromise and seek win-win solutions that meet both parties’ needs.
 8. Respect for Boundaries
- Be mindful of others’ personal, emotional, and physical boundaries.
- Ask for consent or permission before sharing advice, opinions, or personal stories.
- Respect when someone needs space, time, or a change in the relationship dynamic.
9. Self-Awareness
- Reflect on your strengths and weaknesses in relationships.
- Understand your triggers and habitual responses in different social situations.
- Continuously work on your personal growth to improve your relational skills.
10. Mindfulness and Presence
- Be fully present in your interactions without distractions, such as phones or multi-
tasking.
- Practise being in the moment and genuinely engaging with the people you’re with.
- Observe subtle changes in others’ moods, behaviours, and body language to enhance
connection.

The Worth of Relationship Intelligence

A relationship simply refers to the way in which two or more people are connected, or the way in
which two or more people or groups regard and behave towards each other.

A healthy relationship involves honesty, trust, respect and open communication between partners
and it takes efforts and compromise from both parties.

A smooth relationship does not occur arbitrarily. Smooth or healthy relationships are consciously
built. In order to build a healthy relationship, each party should be willing to acquaint themselves
with the likes and dislikes of the other party. Being familiar with the likes and dislikes of your
partner would equip you with what it takes to be able to restrain from consciously stepping on
the other party’s toes as well as empower you to be able to adequately meet the likes of your
partner.

The ability to relate positively with one’s fellow man can be a serious asset for a person’s
survival in the journey of life. In order to be able to confidently put your faith in another
person, would require that you should have first and foremost invested richly in your
relationship with that person in one or various ways that warrants you to be able to reap
the dividends of your inputs in that relationship.

As a person, you’ll probably accomplish only as much as your personal abilities and resources
permit. But in synergy with others, you can be leveraged to accomplish so much thanks to the
multifaceted abilities and resources of those you can bring on board for the attainment of your
set objective.

Being people smart can grant you unlimited access to the inputs of others in the form of their
giftedness, skills, and all the other necessary resources possessed by members of your team.
When that happens, it can offer you the potential for exponential success in your field of
endeavour, or achievement of set goals.

In order to be able to effectively benefit from other people’s varied and relevant inputs in the
realisation of your mission, you need to have the acumen of effectively understanding people.
Understanding people means you have to go beyond their spoken words and learn to
interpret the unspoken. When you have a good understanding of people, it empowers you
to be able to communicate effectively with them, influence what they think, say and do.
Understanding people also enhances your prowess in conflict management. How well you
understand people has a considerable impact on how they will contribute to the delivery of your
set goals.

The ability to be able to effectively express yoourself in your interactions with others is another
very important tool that enhances smooth relationship management. An effective communicator
is a speaker who knows how to hit the nail on the head of an issue without equally leaving out
the important details in a bid to guarantee clarity and also avoid ambiguity. Being an effective
communicator also entails being able to assess the understanding level of your audience in the
midst of a conversation.

Relationship intelligence does not demand that you lose your personal identity in the name of
guaranteeing a smooth relationship with others. Instead, relationship intelligence requires that
you be your own person. To be relationally intelligent demands you have your limits and ensure
that they are firmly established. You don’t have to try to be all things to all people because you
don’t have the competence.

Relationship intelligence is also exhibited when one has the ability in giving clear feedback to
those who need it. In order for feedback to be effective, it has to be descriptive, concrete, and
with the objective to be helpful. Feedback has to be well timed, non-blaming, and practical. It
also has to be dual. The absence of objective feedback in all interactions gives room for
speculations. In order to encourage the free flow of feedback, you have to give team members
the room to be able to organise and express their thoughts and you should also be disposed and
willing to listen to others with an open mind.

I strongly believe that one major character trait that enhances healthy relationships is mutual
trust. I say this from my personal experience. No matter how gifted a person maybe in all other
aspects of their life, if that person consistently exhibits deficiencies in trustworthiness, rest
assured that such a vice would eventually plague their ability to be able to enjoy a smooth
relationship with others. I personally believe that if all a person masters in their life is to be
trustworthy, then rest assured that that person will never be stranded in the game of life for a
long time. Trustworthiness is a very attractive force. Thanks to its attractive attribute, it is
capable of pulling people of all walks of life into the life of the trustee. When you succeed to
become trustworthy in your relationship with people of varied walks of life, it has the potential
of giving you easy access to their know-how, access to their resources, access to their time,
access to their entourage, etc. And if your life is surrounded by people who can cheerfully or
easily donate their know-how, resources, entourage, and time to your cause, then know that your
potential to attaining your life goals is exponential.

Trust and Trustworthiness

Trust is a firm belief in the reliability, truth, or ability of someone or something. It is the
confidence or expectation that someone will act in a way that benefits you or upholds their
commitments. Trust simply simply refers to the ability to be relied on as honest, or truthful,
responsible, dependable, principled.
Meanwhile trustworthiness refers to the quality of being reliable, truthful, and capable of being
trusted. It’s the demonstration of integrity, competence, and reliability that makes someone
deserving of trust.

Effects of Being Trusted or Trustworthy

 Positive Reputation: Being trusted or trustworthy builds a strong reputation. People are
more likely to recommend you or work with you based on on their positive experiences.
 Strengthened Relationships: Trust fosters deeper and more meaningful relationships,
both personal and professional.
 Increased Opportunities: Trustworthiness opens doors to greater responsibilities,
leadership roles, or collaborations because others feel secure relying on you.
 Psychological and Emotional Security: Trust can lead to a more harmonious and
productive environment. It reduces anxiety, fosters cooperation, and boosts morale.
 Mutual Growth: Trust encourages openess and vulnerability, allowing people to work
more effectively and collaboratively.

The importance of trust and trustworthiness cannot be overemphasised because they play a
crucial role in all aspects of interpersonal and other aspects of human interactions.

But it must be underscored that trust is always a risky venture as it’s practically impossible for a
trustor to ascertain if his her incentive in putting his or her trust in a trustee will align 100% with
that of the trustee.

Therefore, for a trustor to go ahead and put his or her trust in a trustee, the trustor is personally
volunteering to be on the vulnerable side of the transaction or interaction. A trustor’s
vulnerability in a transaction with a trustee can only be eliminated when the incentives of the two
parties are in perfect alignment.

A trustor’s motivation in putting his her trust in a supposed trustee in any transaction is usually
driven by the trustor’s expectation of a positive outcome. Where and when a trustor dares to put
his or her trust in a supposed trustee without hoping for a positive outcome, that transaction
cannot be considered as a transaction of trust. Trust only exist when the trustor volunteers to trust
the other party –the trustee in the hope that his or her trust in the other person would payoff.

“Trust is the glue for most transactions within and across cultures as long as humans have
socialised and transacted.” Collaboration is fostered when and where there’s genuine mutual
trust. But where and when there’s doubt, it is unwise to rely strictly on trust in transacting with
others. In order to be on the safe side when and where there are doubts and uncertainties in any
meaningful interaction or transaction, it is imperative to solicit the services of a legal adviser to
establish clear and tight terms of a collaboration or transaction, making sure that each party’s
obligations, privileges, as well as consequences of any form of breach are clearly spelled out,
read, understood, and approved by the parties involved.

Trust and trustworthiness go hand in glove even though they are two different but related
concepts.

While trust is influenced by uncertainties, vulnerabilities, and expectations derived from the
context, trustworthiness on the other hand is relatively more stable and innate, mostly driven by
social norms and values.

But trustworthiness affects trust in that, it is usually the trustworthiness of a person that elevates
him or her to the rank of a trustee in the eyes of a trustor. That’s to say, it is usually the
trustworthiness of a person that informs another person that this or that person can be trusted.
Putting one’strust in another does not automatically makes the trustee trustworthy. When a
person’s trust has been tried and tested consistently and not found wanting, it helps the
trustor in building his or her trust in the trustee. Knowing that you’re interacting with a
trustworthy individual would likely reduce the vulnerability of the trustor in an interaction or
transaction.

Putting one’s trust in another does not guarantee that the trustee is trustworthy. It’s usually what
a trustee does with the trust of the trustor that determines if the trustee is trustworthy or
untrustworthy.
A trustworthy person is someone who voluntarily behaves in a way not to take advantage of his
or her trustor’s vulnerable position when faced with a self-serving decision that conflicts with his
or her trustor’s objectives.

Trustworthiness as simple as it may seem is a very worthy value that does not depreciate on its
own. Trustworthiness can only truly depreciate when the trustee personally chooses to lose his
or her own trustworthiness. Trustworthiness never depreciates following external
circumstances. If a trustworthy person does not personally decide to lose his or her
trustworthiness, their trustworthiness would always vindicate them in the short or long run
whenever their trustworthiness is put to test. A trustworthy person who has not personally
traded his or her trustworthiness is usually unmovable in the face of false accusations: His or her
peace is not stolen even in the face of false accusations. Persons of trust often possess and
exude unmatchable inner happiness and peace. Even though trustworthiness is a value that
should yield favorable gains to the trustee, the good side thereof is that even when the trustee
has been betrayed by other parties, that does not in any way affect his or her inner peace. A
trustworthy person may even be falsely accused, prosecuted, found guilty and sentenced
accordingly, but if he or she is personally not guilty, his or her inner peace and happiness would
remain intact. The primary reward for trustworthiness is immaterial. But when a person’s
trustworthiness has been consistently tried and tested, there’s no way that his or her
trustworthiness would not result in all forms of benefits.

If a person is trustworthy, their trustworthiness can become a value or an asset that can serve as
a veritable source of livelihood for them.

A tried and tested trustworthy personality is worth his or her weight in gold in any society. But
unfortunately, tried and trusted persons are very rare everywhere. Why? Because trustworthiness
like every other human value is not given on a platter of gold. It is born by a person’s personal
choice, developed and consolidated through personal and conscious efforts. Nobody ever
becomes trustworthy by osmosis. A person who desires to be trusted by God and man, must
come to the place where he or she personally chooses to take intentional baby steps that will
empower him or her with what it takes to leading a trustworthy life. The day or moment that
that trustworthy person decides not to longer bother about being trustworthy, he or she
automatically starts losing the trust of others. Trustworthiness is therefore a work in progress. It
is never a done deal. Trustworthiness deficiencies in relationships largely accounts for a lot
of the troubles and hardships that humankind is plagued with in its day-to-day interactions. For
example, the absence of genuine trust among a couple is usually the seed that gives birth to
many other vices resulting in an unhealthy union. Once two or more people cannot effectively
trust themselves, forget it. Whatever they try to do together, would not be as effective and
successful as it should be if they are animated by the spirit of trust. The absence of trust is
usually that missing link that saps people of their sense of being more creative and efficient in
making decisions together. Whether it’s a couple planning a vacation itinerary or top
management mapping a business strategy. When people enjoy the trust of each other, their
sense of creativity and efficiency in accomplishing a given endeavour comes alive.

Two or more persons cannot effectively stick around for a considerable span if they have issues
of trust. This is true at all levels of human interactions. We see this happen among couples,
parents and children, employer-employee, business parties and even in diplomatic relations. The
Holy book (The Bible) teaches that mutual trust is indispensable for the attainment of desired
results when it says, “Do two walk together unless they have agreed to do so?” When trust is
missing, division and disunity becomes inevitable. When trust is lacking or not solid, you may
look as if you are walking and working together, but after a while, your paths will diverge. A
solid mutaual trust is indeed a relationship solid binding cord.

Paradoxically, almost everyone is in search of whom to trust but very few people make the
personal efforts to become the trustee. Which one is easier? To become a person of trust or look
for who to trust? I think the former is the answer. Why? Because it is less cumbersome to
become the change that you want rather than looking for it in others. Trust is a virtue, a value, an
asset. And if that is what trust truly is? Then why should anyone not personally crave for it like
we do for all the other forms of values and assets and go ahead and pay the price required to
acquiring this coveted asset or value? We all personally pursue values that will upgrade our lives
such as academic, professional, and other forms of trainings. If an individual truly values trust
for what it is, based on the definition that we have established in this context, that person on the
other hand would also be willing and determined to be able to come up with strategies and all
the means and ways needed to personally develop the virtue of being trustworthy.
Once a person can be veritably trusted, his or her trustworthiness can become a very potent
arsenal that would guarantee their inner peace and happiness. Don’t also forget that we have
already established the fact that if a person’s trustworthiness has been tried and tested, it can
serve as a reliable source of livelihood or a networth for him or her because trusted people are a
necessity in all societies. Trusted people are attractive. Trustees are needed everywhere.
Therefore, when a person’s trustworthiness has been repeatedly tried and tested, and given a
pass score, that individual steadily becomes a sought-after. They can attract people of different
walks of life into their own lives resulting in those people entrusting them with a lot to do and
usually at a gainful fee.

My Personal Experience

As an individual, most of the opportunities that have come my way in the journey of life can be
traced to my own level of trustworthiness compared to my know-how.

I have the strong believe that a person’s expertise has the propensity to elevate them to their due
place in their field of endeavour, but if they are consistently not trustworthy, they won’t be able
to sustain that position or opportunity. Why? Because aptitude and attitude go hand in glove.
One without the other is never good enough.

Therefore, the passion, determination, fervor, zeal and zest that an individual exerts in order to
acquire academic, professional, and all the other forms of expertise in order to improve their
value in the society, should also be brought on board if an individual decides to personally
pursue and develop a trustworthy character.

Attributes\ Habits that Can Attract Other People’s Trust or Make One
Trustworthy

In order to be trustworthy, you should possess the following attributes:

1) Authenticity/ Integrity- Being true to yourself and honest about your thoughts and
[Link] an effort to always be genuine. Don’t shift your demeanour or attitude based
on others’ influence.
2) Consistency/Reliability - Being reliable and dependable, and following through on your
commitments.
3) Compassionate and Empathetic – Being a person that is disposed to understanding and
supporting those who look up to you.
4) Non-Judgmental –Be a person that avoids judging others based on your own personal
standards or opinions.
5) Sense of Humour –Exhibiting a state or mood of humour makes you more approachable. A
person with a good sense of humour is someone full of positivity and who extends his or her
positive vibe to those whom he or she enteracts with.
6) Accountability- Anybody who attempts to sweep their own mistakes and gaffes under the
rug instead of taking responsibility for one’s actions and decisions is bound to seem shady.
7) Value long-term relationships- A trust worthy person is far from being perfect. What
makes a trustworthy person unique is that they are always ready and willing to not only admit
to their mistakes, but take the necessary steps to fix them and prevent them in the future.
8) Avoid Gossips- To be trustworthy, you have to be that person that does not say one thing to
one’s face just to turn around and say something different to another or others.
9) Going the Extra mile -Going above and beyond what is required makes it easy for other
people to develop a high degree of trust in you.
10) Competence- Having the skills and ability to perform tasks or make decisions that impact
others.

11) Avoid Over-Promise- Be realistic and straightforward with the claims and promises that you
make. It’s always better to over-deliver and exceed expectations than to over promise and
unfortunately under deliver.
12) Consistency- Acting in a steady, predictable manner over time.

Some Precautions When Carrying out Transactions Based on Trust

- Verify Past Behaviour: Check for evidence of reliability and integrity through reviews,
references, or prio interactions.

- Set Clear Boundaries and Expectations: Ensure mutual understanding of roles,

responsibilities, and consequences before engaging in any agreement.

- Formalise Agreements: Even when trust exixts, legal contracts or written agreements can
clarify expectations and reduce misunderstandings.

- Monitor Ongoing Actions: Trust should be maintained through regular communication,

reviews, and checks to ensure that all parties uphold their responsibilities.

- Diversify Risk: Avoid placing all your trust in a singular individual or group when the stakes
are high; consider alternative safeguards to protect your interest.

-Never trust blindly. Trust wisely.

-Remember that to trust another is a risk and that it can be mutually beneficial as well as it can
render you vulnerable.

-Only give trust to the degree that if your trustee abuses your trust, the harm that results from the
abuse of your trust in him or her will not do severe damage to your life or mission.

-Learn to truly appreciate a true trustee when you are privileged to meet one because they are
truly worthy of honour and are short in supply.

Chapter Five

Be One-Another’s Keeper

One- another’s keeper refers to the responsibility individuals have to look out for, protect, and
support each other within a relationship, community, or society at large. It embodies the idea that
we are interconnected and that our well-being is tied to the well-being of others.
Key Elements of the Concept:

1. Responsibility and Care: Being one-another’s keeper involves a moral or ethical duty
to care for those around us. This care can be physical, emotional, or social, depending on
the needs of the other person.
2. Mutual Support: The concept is reciprocal. It implies that just as you look out for
others, they will look out for you. This mutual support strengthens bonds and creates a
safety net within the community.
3. Empathy and Compassion: At its core, being one-another’s keeper is about empathy-
understanding and sharing the feelings of others –and acting with compassion to alleviate
their suffering or support their well-being.
4. Accountability: This concepts also include a sense of accountability, where individuals
feel responsible not just for their actions, but also for the impact those actions have on
others. It’s about taking ownership of how you contribute to the well-being of the people
around you.
5. Social and Moral Obligation: In many cultures, and ethical systems, being one-
another’s keeper is seen as a fundamental social or moral obligation. It reflects the belief
that we are all interconnected and that society functions best when people take care of
each other.
Application in Different Contexts:
 Family: Within a family, being one-another’s keeper might involve providing emotional
support, helping with daily tasks, or ensuring the safety and well-being of family
members.
 Friendships: Among friends, it could mean being there in times of need, offering advice,
or simply being a listening ear when someone is going through a tough time.
 Communities: In a broader community, this concept can manifest in acts of charity,
community service, or simply looking out for neighbours and being involved in the
collective well-being of the community.
 Workplace: In a professional setting, being one-another’s keeper could involve
mentoring, teamwork, and creating a supportive work environment where colleagues help
each other succeed.
 Broader Implications:

 Social Chesion: When people practise being one-another’s keeper, it leads to stronger
social cohesion. Communities become more resilient, compassionate, and supportive,
which is essential for overcoming collective challenges.
 Moral and Ethical Standards: This concept also reinforces moral and ethical standards
within a society. It encourages people to act with integrity, kindness, and responsibility,
leading to a more just and equitable world.
 Philosophical and Religious Roots: The idea of being one-another’s keeper is deeply
rooted in many religious and philosophical traditions. For example, in Christianity, the
concept is always linked to the story of Cain and Abel, where Cain denies his
responsibility for his brother with the rhetorical question, “ Am I my brother’s keeper?”
The implicit answer is “Yes,” suggesting that we all have a duty to care for one-another.
 Similarly, in many other cultures and religions, there are teachings and principles that
emphasize the importance of mutual care, compassion, and responsibility for the welfare
of others.

The human life that the creator has given us is obviously not meant to be lived in isolation. Our
lives are in many ways inextricably interwoven with others. In the same way that God values
fellowship with his people, he has wired his people to equally live in fellowship with each
other. When God puts people together either as blood relations, couple, friends, or partners of
any other sort, it’s incumbent on the people that fate has brought together to assume the
responsibility of being one-another’s keeper.

When people become active in being one-another’s keeper in any form of relationship, that
aspect of being there for each other becomes a strong force that can empower its stakeholders
with what it takes to be able to face life’s journey with fortitude and confidence. This force only
gets to achieve its desired objectives when it’s practised reciprocally.

To be one-another’s keeper, simply means to be the shoulder on which a loved one can
confidently lean on in times of need. When “A” or “B” has the assurance that he or she can
freely reach out to you at any time of need and will be effectively listened to without the fear of
washing his or her linens in public and vice versa, then you both have become each other’s
keeper. It’s this mutual confidence, the shouldering of the responsibilities associated with it as
well as the actual enjoyment of the benefits that accrue from this relationship that qualifies
people in a relationship to be considered as being “ one-another’s keeper.”

When people in a relationship become convinced that “A” or “B”, or “C”, etc, can reach out to
the other at anytime of need without prejudice, then those in such a relationship have reached a
level in their relationship that they can be regarded as “one-another’s keeper.”

People in any true relationship, have the duty to be at the disposal of each other for support as
well as the right to share in each other’s life achievements.

Benefits of Being One-Another’s Keeper:

 Stronger Communities: When individuals look out for one another, it fosters a sense of
unity and solidarity. This strengthens the social fabric, leading to relationships/
communities where each person feels supported and less isolated.
 Enhanced Emotional Well-being: Being the for each other/ others, and knowing others
are there for you, boosts emotional health. It creates an environment of trust, where
people feel valued and understood.
 Increased Social Capital: Relationships built on mutual care often lead to networks of
support. This social capital can be in invaluable during times of need, whether for
emotional support, advice, or practical help.
 Promotion of Empathy and Compassion: Engaging in acts of care and support
cultivates empathy. Over time, this can lead to compassionate relationships/ societies
where people are more willing to understand and assist each other/others.
 Resilience During Crises: Communities and individuals who practise mutual care tend
to be more resilient in the face of challenges. During crises, such as personal hardships,
or natural disasters in the case of communities, collective support can be very crucial for
recovery and stability.
When a relationship is characterised by the spirit of being “one- another’s keeper”, members of
that relationship are empowered to achieve more together. There will be no winner nor loser in
such relationships. Members of such a relationship find it a natural personal duty to call and
check out on each other. They pick up each other’s telephone call with excitement. They count
it an honour meeting each other’s needs. They don’t consider supporting each other as a burden.
Supporting and being supported becomes fun and a lifestyle.

Anyone familiar with how the people of the early Church lived out their lives, will attest to how
those people concretely played out this concept. Putting into practice the life of being “one-
another’s keeper”, as seen exhibited in the “Acts of the Apostles”, can be a very cheap way of
empowering each other in a relationship.

Considering that the things recorded in the Holy Bible are said to have been written for our
learning, therefore, being “one-another’s keeper” is a God-given formula that he has put in
place to empower us for effective and profitable relationship management.

Living an individualistic lifestyle will always gravely cheat us from benefiting from the
advantages that come with being “one-another’s keeper.”

Tips to Enhance the Virtue of Being “ One-Another’s Keeper”:

 Practise Active Listening: Truly listening to others without interrupting or judging

fosters a deeper connection and shows that you care about their well-being.
 Regularly Check in with Others: Simple acts like asking how someone is doing, or
offering help, can go a long way in building a habit of mutual care.
 Cultivate a Non- Judgmental Attitude: Being open-minded and accepting helps others
feel safe to share their concerns and vulnerabilties, enhancing the bond of mutual care.
 Engage in Community Service: Volunteering your time and resources to help others is a
tangible way to practise being one another’s keeper. It also inspires others to do the
same.
 Educate on the Importance of Mutual Care: Promote awareness about the benefits of
being each other’s keeper through discussions, workshops, or social campaigns.
What People May Miss in a Relationship that Lacks Mutual Care:

 Lack of Trust and Security: Without mutual care, trust may erode, leading to
relationships where individuals feel insecure or unsupported.
 Missed Opportunities for Deeper Connections: Relationships that lack mutual care
often remain superficial, missing the depth and richness that comes from genuinely
caring for each other’s well-being.
 Increased Feelings of Isolation: In the absence of reciprocal support, individuals
might feel isolated or alone, which can negatively impact their mental health.
 Weaker Social Bonds: Without the practice of being one another’s keeper, social ties
may weaken , leading to less cohesive communities and networks.
 Reduced Resilience in Difficult Times: People in relationships where mutual care is
absent may find it harder to cope with challenges, as they lack the support system that
would otherwise help them navigate tough times.

In my personal opinion, if as a person, you fail in your moral and social responsibility to
be another’s keeper, you have failed woefully. It is such a deplorable thing to fail in being
the shoulder that someone in their time of need should have depended on for the
alleviation their woes. The story of Cain and Abel was written for our learning- we’re
ordained to be our brother’s keeper. Remember, being your fellow brother’s keeper is not
some rocket science. It simply demands that you value your fellow man the way you
value yourself. Anybody who truly values him or herself definitely also has the potential
to be able to value another fellow human being. If we fail in this moral and social
responsibility, then we have done so by choice like the biblical Cain. The main tool
needed to be become one-another’s keeper is a personal choice. I am fully persuaded that
we can all make the choice to correct that Cain’s catastrophic error. Yes we can because
the creator in his wisdom and power has endowed each one of us with all what we need
to be each other’s true keeper.

The reward that awaits us as we fully assume our moral and social responsibility over
each other, God helping us, is that non of our blood shall have to cry from the ground
agaisnt any of us compared to Abel’s against Cain.
 What a better place will the world be if each of us were to take delight in assuming our
moral and social responsibilities towards each other ?

Chapter Six

The Lion Versus The Toitoise

Could the lifestyles of each of these two animals have an impact on their respective lifespans?
This question cannot be adequately answered by this work because it demands some detailed
scientific studies. But for the purpose of this work and with the aid of some surface information
on these two animals, I have chosen to take a keen look at them, their lifestyles, as well as how
their lifestyles are interconnected with their lifespans, and I’ve gone ahead to juxtapose them
with man’s life in a bid to see the lessons that man can possibly draw from the lives of these
two interesting different animals.

1) Lifespan of a Lion. Wild lions typically live around 10 to 15 years. Whereas lions in
captivity can live up to 20-25 years thanks to better care, consistent food supply, and the
absence of predators.

What Accounts for the Lifespan of a Lion

 Natural Predators and Injuries: Although lions are apex predators, they can still be
injured or killed by preys or other lions.
 Competition and Fights: Male lions face a lot of competition from rivals, which can
lead to shorter lifespans.
 Hunting Stress: The effort involved in hunting often lead to injuries and exhaustion.
 Environment: Harsh conditions like droughts or food scarcity can negatively impact
their longevity in the wild.
 Infections and Disease: In the wild, untreated injuries and diseases contribute to their
lower lifespan.
2) Lifespan of a Toitoise
 Giant Toitoises: These can live for more than 100 yeas, with some documented cases
exceeding 150 years whereas, smaller toitoises typically live for about 50 to 100 years,
depending on the species.
What Accounts for the Lifestyle of a Toitoise:
 Slow Metabolism: Toitoises have a slow metabolism, which allows their bodies to use
energy efficiently and contributes to their longevity.
 Diet: Their herbivorous diet, consisting of plants and low energy foods, supports long-
term health.
 Protective Shell: Their shells provide significant protection from predators thereby
helping to reduce injury-related deaths.
 Low- Stress Lifestyle: Unlike lions, toitoises lead less stressful lives, with minimal
predators and slow movements.
In summary, lions have shorter lifespans due to the dangers they face as apex predators,
whereas, toitoises benefit from slow metabolism, protective shells, and minimal threats,
contributing to their much longer lifespans.
Effects of High Metabolism Levels On Human Life
 Increased Risk of Metabolic Disorders: Acoording to James D. McClure in his
“Hypermetabolism and Its Long –Term Effects on Health”, high metabilic rates are
associated with increased energy consumption and, over time, may lead to conditions like
hyperthyroidism, which can cause heart problems, weight loss, and bone weakening.
 Accelerated Aging: According to Emily Ware in “ Metabolism and Longevity: The
Trade-Offs”, some studies suggest that people with high metabolism may experience
faster aging as higher metabolic rates are linked with increased oxidative stress, which
can lead to cellular damage.
 Nutritional Deficiencies: According to Clara Holmes in, “Nutrition for the
Hypermetabolic: How to Maintain Balance”, since individuals with high metabolism
 burn calories quickly, they might experience nutritional deficiencies if their diets don’t
keep up with their body’s demands.
 Heart and Cardiovascular Strain: According to the American Heart Association
Journal (2018), in "The Relationship Between Metabolism and Cardiovascular Health”,
high metabolism can increase heart rate and blood pressure, putting extra strain on the
cardiovascular system.
The Benefits of a Human Life Animated by Slow Metabolism Levels
 Longevity and Cellular Preservation: According to Robert T. Morgan in “The Science
of Longevity: Slower Metabolism and Lifespan”, Studies suggest that a slower
metabolism may be associated with increased lifespan thanks to reduced oxidative stress
and less cellular damage.
 Energy Efficiency and Stability: According to Sarah Liu in “ Metabolic Efficiency and
Human Health” a slow metabolism enables the body to use energy more efficiently,
leading to greater energy conservation and reducing the risk of diseases related to
overconsumption, such as obesity and diabetes.
 Less Stress on the Heart and Body: Acorrding to The Journal of Human Metabolism
(2017), in “Slow and Steady: Metabolism and Heart Health”, with a lower metabolism,
the body undergoes fewer metabolic reactions that cause strain, which means a lower risk
of chronic inflammation and cardiovascular issues.
 Mental Health and emotional Well-being: Acoording to Dr. Cynthia Lee in “
Metabolism and Mood: The Psychological Effects of a Slower Metabolism”, a slower
metabolism may reduce stress levels, contributing to better emotional and mental health.
The above sources certainly provide us with detailed insights into how the metabolic
rates affect human health, from the dangers of high metabolism to the benefits of a
slower, more stable metabolic process.
Comparing and contrasting what happens to the human body when it is subjected to a
lifestyle that raises a person’s metabolic levels as well as the benefits of a lifestyle that
moderates the metabolic levels of an individual as seen from the life of the lion and the
toitoise, should definitely go a long way in helping the reader make informed choices
on their individual lifestyles.
Looking at life from the eyes of the study of the life of a lion and that of a toitoise as
moderated by their respective metabolic levels, anybody who desires to live out their
ordained lifespan, would understand that a competitive disposition towards life poses a
real threat to a person’s health and longevity. Whereas, a contentment disposition towards
life, can be an enhancer to better health and longevity. In today’s fast-track world, one
may be considered and regarded as “old-school” if you choose to embark on life’s
journey on any other lane other than the “fast-lane.” Life in today’s fast-moving world
is characterised by fast pace and the pursuit of immediate gratification. The fast-track
culture seems to be the culture envogue with little or no consideration on its adverse
effects on physical as well as mental health. It shouldn’t be. Every adult human being
has the personal responsibilty of striking a balance between a lifestyle that guarantees
his or her holistic wellbeing as well as the successful pursuance of their life goals. There
is no rationale to lead a helter-skelter lifestyle in pursuit of mondane goals at the
detriment of your physical and mental health. The pursue of purpose in life is
definitely what helps a person to leave their mark on the sands of time. But to achieve
that in exchange for your physical and mental health, is to be myopic to the creator’s
objective for life. We have to remember that , “ a living dog is better than a dead lion.”
No degree of success in any life pursuit should be obtained on the platter of stress,
fear, strained relationships, poor health, and all other forms of negative
consequences. Each human life is God’s sacred and precious gift to each individual.
And God in his wisdom and power has endowed each human being with the needed
intelligence, power as well as all the means and ways to choose how to effectively cater
for their holistic wellbeing as well as achieve their life goals without allowing one to
encroach into the other.
Each adult individual has been entrusted with the task of using their God-given
intelligence, power, and resources to personally guarantee the smooth functioning of
their life hand-in-hand with the realisation of their life purpose right to the finishing line.
Therefore, anyone who consciously or unconsciously puts their life on harm’s way as a
result of pursuing their life purpose , should know that it’s a suicidal choice. And any
individual who intentionally or unintentionally fails to personally cater for their physical
 as well as their mental wellbeing is answerable to their creator-the actual owner of their
precious life.
Therefore, as an adult human being, we all have the personal duty to be responsible and
accountable over our holistic wellbeing. Beside being responsible over our personal
wellbeing, if we have people whose welfare is dependent on us, it’s also mandatory for
us to make sure that we oversee their own wellbeing to the letter. The human life is
very sacred, and precious, and God commands each person to be a shrewd manager
over their life.

Chapter Seven

The Power of Association

The Consequences of Bad Association

“ Put a good boy with a bad boy and you will end up with two bad boys every
time.”

Truth be told; the above saying has been tried and tested in my own very personal
life experiences time and time again. And have always yielded its positive or
negative results depending on the kind of association I made. That is why I can’t
afford not to share such indelible personal experiences in the pages of this book
because the effects of good or bad company can always either make or mar an
individual’s life.

There was an instance during my teenage life when I relocated to the city in
search of a prospective sponsor that could send me back to school on any
condition after I dropped out from secondary school due the hard-knocks of
poverty. To my utmost chagrin, my targeted host was unfortunately not able to
sponsor my going back to school due to lack of resources. But was kind and
hospitable enough to allow me live with him in his father’s house instead of
letting me go back and settle in the village with my poor mum who was already
barely able to cater for herself and my junior siblings. My host’s offer to
unconditionally accommodate me in his father’s house when he too was still
dependent oh his father for his own daily subsistence, was no small sacrifice.
Besides the fact that he himself was still dependent on his dad for his own daily
upkeep, their home was already overcrowded with different members of their
family also in need of a roof over their different heads. That compassionate and
hospitable family was already accommodating about twelve adults at the time I
was privileged to join them and their dad was the sole bread winner. Interestingly,
the doors of that already overcrowded home remained ever opened to any person
who was stranded and needed a place they could call home. In my case, I had the
privilege to cohabit with this exemplary family for over a year and was fully
accepted, integreted, regarded, and treated like every other biological member of
that family in every sense.

My host’s family head was such a great and available father figure to everyone
whose path crossed with his. In this regard, I wish to seize this opportunity to
formerly pay homage to Tata Mussa, the late Fon of Kungi, his wives-who became
my adoptive mothers, Mr. Boudih Adams-my host, and the rest of his siblings
who unconditionally welcomed me into their home and lives during those days of
my strandedness.

During my sojourn with the Mussas, something very serious that had the potential
of influencing my life to the wrong direction also happened as a result of my
association with a wrong-minded associate. During my sojourn with this my new-
found family, I had to share the same bedroom with about six or more different
boys and I was apparently the youngest. One of my host brothers and roomate
who was sadly a very good consumer of marijuana at the time, eventually talked
me into smoking it after consistently advertising its different merits to me.
Unfortunately or fortunately for me, my very first attempt to smoke the supposed
value-adding drug did not allow me to enjoy and grow in the art of “nganja.”
Instead of tapping from the supposed benefits of “nganja”, My very maiden puffs
of this supposed great drug instantly sent me choking to the point of losing the
breath of my one and only life. While in that distressed state, my “nganja” mentor
came to my succour. After being administered some form of first aid, I was
made to lie in bed. Sadly, my being put to that bed turned out to be the shortcut
to my running mad or passing out. I don’t know for how long I was on that bed.
But I can never miss to reminisce every bit of the ordeals that I was subjected
while on that bed. I can still remember how the bed began to spin with me and will
not stop spinning for any reason. The more the bed spinned, the faster it increased
in velocity. The bed continued to spin in increased proportions to the extent that I
kept trying to hold firmly to it with my helpless and very weak hands in a bid not
to allow my body from being flung out and flattened on the walls of the
bedroom without me fighting back. The worst of these scenarios was when I
actually found myself apparently being urged by an unknown but very
authoritative force to take off my clothes and run out to the streets. I can still
remember how I kept trying unsuccessfully not to yield to the that strong urge of
stripping myself naked and running to the street. But the more I tried to restrain
myself from pulling down my trousers, the stronger I felt the urge to sucuum to
the the biddings of that authoritative voice. And I can equally remember how I
made a lot of franctic efforts in order to get out from that suicidal bed, but
without the least success. I can also remember how in that agonising and helpness
condition on that bed, I saw myself leaving my physical body and how I actually
walked out of my body . While away from my actual body, I could see a crowd of
sympathisers gathered over my corpse and lamenting sorrowfully on my death.
My struggle to regain my consciousness or to re-enter my physical body on that
bed continued for a very long time while the bed continued to turn with me. In the
process, I got to a point where I was not longer conscious of anything about myself
for how long, God alone knows.

When I miraculously finally regained some degree of consciousness, I discovered

that I was still on the bed that I had been placed on when I choked and was
administered some first aid. I was all alone in the bedroom. I again tried earnestly
to get out of the bed, but was overwhelmed with feelings of dizzyiness and
feableness. Little by little, I summoned all the needed courage and was able to
threw myself to the floor. While on the floor, I could sense that there was still
some degree of the breath of life in me. It was with the remainder of that breath
that I managed to crawl out to the main corridor of the house, next to the sitting
room , and eventually to the bacony where Tata, my host father and another person
were seated without having any clue of the ordeal that I had been through for the
larger part of that fateful day. That is how I crept into the open legs of Tata. Then
rest my weak arms and spinning head on his laps and began to cry uncontrollably
for his succour. In between the sobs on Tata’s laps, I was able to utter some words
that disclosed what had befallen me. Luckily, Tata in his dual capacity as a father
and naturapathic, knew exactly what to do to rescue someone in such a state and
that is what he did.

The life lesson I learned the hard way from the above predicament is that, it is
very easy to make the choice to fall into the temptation of indulging into a
destructive lifestyle. Simply giving deserved attention to suggestions that can be
destructive to your life or purpose in life can serve as appetisers to your
indulgence to such temptations.

Therefore, if you know who you are and where you want to pilot your life to for
the rest of your life’s journey, you should be sensitive enough to errect barriers
that prevent people who do not like what you like and do not dislike what you
dislike from having the opportunity to giving you their opinion or counsel. If you
have a good grasp of your likes and dislikes, once you come in close contact with
someone whose likes and dislikes are not in alignment with yours, you will do
everything in your power not to continue to give such persons the privilege of
having a say over what you do or do not do with your precious life. In order not to
allow your life to come under self-destruction, as well as not to be derailed from
your life purpose, you must intentionally put safeguards in place that effectively
prevent unwanted companions from having a say on what you do or do not do
with your life.

Back to my marijuana smoking initiation story, I went that far because I did not try
to stop the seasoned smoker from advertising the drug to me. There was no
instance that he tried to force me into being initiated into that maiden act of trying
out what smoking ‘nganja’ was like. All he did was to let me give him my
undivided attention. The more I allowed him to talk to me about the merits of
‘nganja’, the more the subject began to make sense to me. That is how I found
myself between life and death after taking the very first puffs of marijuana. That is
how easy it can be to willfully put one’s precious life or life purpose to harm’s
way. It’s this easy because it doesn’t take a lot of discipline to do wrong. But it
takes personal and consistent efforts to be able to build a healthy character. A
healthy character is the ability in an individual with free moral agency , to come
to the knowledge of the right from the wrong, the true from the false, and the
ability to be able to choose the right, and possess the will to enforce self-
discipline to do the right and resist the wrong.

As a free moral agent, if your life is not hedged by a healthy character, you will
soon discover that you can be extremely vulnerable to the opinions of third parties
without subjecting such opinions to immediate and scrupulous screening. An
individual can only be very protective to something that he or she attaches real
value to. Therefore, if you don’t have a character that is absolutely vital, all-
important, and precious to you, you’ll naturally not find the importance of also
developing a protection and preservation mechanism for it. A healthy or perfect
character happens to be the supreme purpose for which every human being who
has ever lived was born. Therefore, every human being have the duty to deeply
understand why he or she exist here on earth. Failure to understand this vital
purpose will inevitably expose an individual’s life to the ever-lurking temptations
of trading one’s perfect character with the transient things of this life like; money,
the different possessions that money can accumulate, power, fame, beauty,
ecetera. As important as success and happiness can be to life, the pursuit of success
and happiness at the expense of one’s healthy character will unfailingly culminate
in eternal regrets. Success and happiness achieved to the detriment of one’s healthy
character are seedlings for eternal sorrows. Any pursuit in the journey of this
transient life that is undertaken in perfect alignment with the preservation one’s
healthy character, is a pursuit that will unfailingly secure true success and
happiness for that individual. When an individual’s life is guided by the building
and preservation of a healthy character, that person easily builds and put in place
reliable and dependable safegurds that will prevent intruders with deficient
character traits from having easy access to their precious minds. A person who is
bent on building and preserving a worthwhile character for themselves, is someone
who will be very sensitive and selective as to who can be given the opportunity to
give them their opinion in matters patterning to life and Godliness. On the
contrary, a person who does not attach real value to healthy character building, is
someone who will likely not be very rigorous in vetting who is qualified or not
qualified to be his or her associate with the capacity of giving him or her their
counsel in matters that pattern to life and Godliness. The attainment of all
worthwhile goals in the journey of life whether ethically or unethically, will all
fade away with no possibility of taking them past the grave. But building and
consolidation a healthy character is an achievement that will eternally last with
the beneficiary. I strongly believe that this is what the bible means when it says;
“If any man builds on this foundation using gold, silver, costly stones, wood, hay
or straw, his work will be shown for what it is, because the Day will bring it to
light. It will be revealed with fire, and the fire will test the quality of each man’s
work. If what he has built survives, he will receive his reward. If it is burned up, he
will suffer loss; he himself will be saved , but only as one escaping through the
flames.”

How to Relate with Pople of Contrary Character

Life cannot be lived in isolation. Therefore, the person who wants to build and
maintain a healthy character will sometimes have to interact very closely or
sporadically with lots and lots people who would be prone to derailing them from
upholding their personal integrity. Some of these personalities will happen to be
persons like parents, senior siblings, bosses, elders, business associates, etcetera.
These categories of people are not the type that you can easily say no to their
whims and caprices because of the authority that they wield over your life. This
can be very scomplicated.
Some Skills of Diplomatic Human Relations

As a person of a healthy character, you have the personal duty to be properly

equipped with the relevant arsenal to smoothly deal with persons of deficient
character who wield authority over you without having to hurt their ego nor
jeopadise your own character wellbeing. As a person of healthy character, you
need to be sharp in peoples’ skills in order to be able to smoothly deal with
people of authority who have no regard for your healthy character wellness. One of
the most effective approaches that can be helpful to persons who want to uphold
their integrity when dealing with difficult people is to remain attentive, calm,
patient, respectful, polite, but very firm in their response on the why issues
concerning their character are not negotiable. Usually, from the beginning, this
approach may generate a lot of tensions and conflicts between you and the
authority figure in question. But if you remain, resolute, consistent and avoid
getting angry, frustrated, and agitating to the person in question, the person in
question will either choose not to continue to have to go through the trouble of
dealing with you or finally gets to understanding and accepting you with your
values intact. But if he or she unfortunately decides on the former, you will be left
with no choice than to squarely pay the price it takes to building and keeping a
healthy character. Remember that, the building and consolidation of a healthy
character is the only achievement that will follow you to eternity. Therefore, if no
one else seems to support you in your endeavours of building and maintaing a
healthy character, let this insight continue to be the motivating factor that will keep
you bootstrapping yourself to your finishing line in your efforts of being a person
of healthy character. Apart from the complexities of having to inevitably deal
with the above categories of personalities, as long as you do not have to live in
isolation, you will unfailingly always encounter persons of interest some of whom
will be exageratively rude, unnecessarily angry, impatient, hostile, belligerent,
and accutely difficult to deal with. Each time you unfortunately have to deal with
such people, no matter how difficult it may seem, remember that their undesirable
attitudes are meant to serve as veritable tests to your character. Therefore, you
have the obligation to learn to exercise diplomacy and tact in dealing with persons
of interest without giving room to tensions, frictions nor compromise to the
demands of your healthy character. Learn to remain kind, apologise whenever it’s
necessary. Learn to not be unnecessarily defensive when dealing with people of
interest whose attitudes seem to test your character. It is a great blessing to be a
person of peace in an atmosphere that is peace deficient. But never you
compromise on the demands of your healthy character as a token of appeasement.
Nothing is worth its price.

My Personal Experience

During my tenure as a receptionist on the employ of one of my major employers,

I realised that I had become a middle-man lies teller. What do I mean by that? As a
receptionist, one of my roles was to manage the telephone communication of the
company. That entailed receiving external telephone calls and directing such calls
to the various quarters in the company. One of my major challenges on that job
assignment was that, at some point, I’ll receive a call destined to some senior
staff of the company and when I ring her up in order to obtain her approval before
transfering her calls to her, she will often intruct me to tell one lie or the other to
the caller on the line so as not to talk with the caller in question. This undesired
experience steadily turned me into a regular middle-man liar. I was not
comfortable with the toll on my conscience. But as a subordinate, I did not have
the courage and the wisdom on how to deal with the said conscience problem. But
because I had to deal with that on a regular basis, I decided to do something about
the problem: I politely approached the madam in question and tried to explain
myself and also presented my resolution not to continue to be her middle-man liar.
I can remember graphically how angry and violent her response was. She actually
left her office building and came to confornt my Chief of Operations on the matter.
Long story short; my Chief of Opeartions on his part tried in vain to counsel me
otherwise. But the die was cast. I was willing to be reprimanded than to continue to
be a lies teller. The truth is that I could not be reprimanded because the company
internal policy did not make provision for lies telling. Looking at how I managed
the said challenge then, I can say that if the hands of time could be turned, I’ll
definitely manage it more tactfully and diplomatically now because I am maturer
now and have acquired a lot of relevant experience in managing disagreement
compared to then.

Managing disagreements between superiors, other persons of interest and

subordinates can be very complex and associated with costly prices if the
subordinate is not peoples’ skills savvy. Therefore, it’s incumbent on every person
whose life is intertwined with that of others, to intentionally acquire some basic
skills of diplomatic human relations. Without being peoples’ skills intelligent, an
individual cannot go very far in the journey of life. Apart from this isolated
example, my life is riddled with many other similar experiences, some of which
had to cost me a great deal.

The Benefits of Good Association

“ Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in
the way of sinners, or sit in the seat of mockers.”

In the course of my adult life and particularly my working life, fate has caused me
to meet, and work in close collaboration with superiors, collaborators,
subbordinates, clients, and people of different walks of life. Some of these people
happen to have consciously and unconsciously influenced my life in ways that
their inputs in my life have enormously shaped the who I’ve become with the
passage of time.

Between 1997 and about 2001, two of my collaborators in the persons of Fidelis
and Tondi became my idols in the mastery of spoken and written English. Their
proficiency in the Queen’s language was phenominal to me. My admiration of their
endowment made me to do every thing in my power to win their friendship. In my
interactions with these linguistic geniuses, I began to desire to talk and write like
they did. In my quest to become like them, I did everything to relate closely with
them in a bid to begin to learn from their know-how. Thank goodness, they were
very approachable and gracefully accepted my tacit request for companionship.
Thanks to that companionship, besides being able to regularly listen to how they
spoke the English language with dexterity, I was also privileged to have free acces
to their written activity reports. As I had continuous access to their spoken and
written diction and style, I also started imitating them. The more I tried to
commend and imitate them, the more they were open in helping me achieve my
objective. Fidelis and Tondi did not only allow me to borrow from their linguistic
and intellectual know-how. They equally kept shining the light on my own innate
qualities. They kept reminding me that I was endowed with an envieble IQ that
didn’t need to be allowed undeveloped.

My coming in close contact with these two gentlemen and the privilege of
interacting very intimately with them has resulted in a blessing that I can never
quantify.
By the time I got to know and to build my relationship with these two former
colleagues of mine who eventually turned out to be my great literary guidance
counselors, they were both great high school graduates. On the other hand, I barely
had four years of formal schooling at the time. But thanks to the fact that I had a
burning longing for self-development and that my friends were disposed to allow
me learn from them, I soon discover that I was able to improve greatly on my
communication skills. Thanks to my developing my communication skills, my
company hierarchy soon noticed my communication potential and gave me a
promotion into the communication unit of the company. While in the Radio Room,
I also came to discover that I was actually a square peg in square hole from the
commendations of my hierarchy and other users of our radio network. My being
given the opportunity to work as a radio operator of a renowned multi-national
company like ours at the time led to other open doors in my career. I became
suitable for those professional roles with my maiden employer not because I
possessed some school certificates but thanks to my innate intellectual potentials
that had been sharpened with the aid and guidance of resourceful companions
like Fidelis and Tondi.

Some seven or eight years after my physical split with these my resourceful
friends, I dignifiably resigned from my job after thirteen years of faithful service
and proudly went back to an evening school where I obtained the G.C.E. Ordinary
and Advanced Levels Certificates respectively in two successive academic years
with flying colours.

This book and my other publications as well as my many other literary

achievements are testimonials of the benefits of my healthy association with
Fidelis and Tondi. My association with these gents is a very good example of what
a healthy companionship can do. One of the benefits of our companionship is that,
for close to three decades from when we first met, the three of us are alive, waxing
strong in our different corners of the global village and still in very warm
relationship and piously looking forward to still doing a lot together.

In this regard, I wish to use this opportunity to heartily express my gratititude to

these my amiable friends. You are worth your weight in gold in my life sirs! If I
am given the opportunity to choose you as my friends, I’ll still do, and do, and do,
and do so very proudly and happily my brothers.

My other experience that spotlights the benefits of an exemplary association,

involves Joe and Gilbert. These two gentlemen and myself came to know ourselves
still in another working milieu. Even after I had left the company where we all
worked, Joe and Gilbert did not stop to demonstrate the truism in the dictum that
says; “Out of sight is not out of mind.” Over the years, these gents have remained
at my beck and call in good or bad times. I remember how they both staked their
necks out for me when I needed two persons to suretee me for a bank loan for one
of my projects. It was thanks to their unconditional trust that I succeeded in
obtaining part of the funds that I needed for the execution of that particular
project. Considering the fact that projects always have 50/50% success and failure
propensity, my project unfortunately suffered a number of setbacks leaving me in a
shadow of my old self. All my human efforts to bounce back financially from the
effects of that failed project, did not yield any desired results. It got so bad that I
was not longer able to afford for my house rents. I became so stranded that my
spiritual father in the person of Reverend Nako Nelson stepped in and had to liaise
with his mother to make room for me and my daughter in the mother’s house.
Consequently, we had to relocate to another town in the country several hundreds
of kilometres from the city where I was stationed. Under such dire living
conditions, my daughter got pregnant while in the high school. My health too
began to fail. My fiancee who had been my dependable prop on several fronts
sadly also gave up on our relationship. As a result, after sometime, I was not able
to sustainably respect my loan repayment plan. I was also not able to even cater
for my basic needs. Consequently, the bank had to fall back on Joe and Gilbert for
the recovery of its money. My two friends unfortunately became the scapegoats
and were financially hard hit by the turn of events. In frustration, Joe and
Gilbert sued me for breach of trust. The Judiciary police officers who were
charged with handling the matter, masterly mediated for us and we finally agreed
to resolve the conflict amicably. Thanks to the mediation role played by the police
officers in question, my friends’ continuous trust in me, and my frank and
remorseful attitude towards them on the matter, we were eventually able to
resolve the monatary problem without allowing it to continue to hurt our
friendship. The peculiarity in this story is not just that I was privileged to have
good associates who did not hesitate to stake their necks out for me in times of
need. The peculiarity is in the manner in which my friends cooperated with me in
looking for solutions to our problem. After the scene in the police station, Joe and
Gilbert became very patient, sympathetic, compassionate, and level headed with
me. Even though it eventually took about eight long years for the debt to be
cleared, my friends’ friendly attitude towards me only continued to get better. It
will interest you to know that even though I sometimes used to repay the said debt
in meagre periodic amounts of about 10, 000 (Ten) thousand FCFA and my
friends will always accept such repayments with gratitude. When the loan was like
half paid, Joe in his characteristic largess, made me a very humane offer: He
proposed that instead of me to continue to struggle the way I had done in time
past, that he will like that I accumulate my money until when I’m able to raise the
sum of 50,000 (Fifty) thousand FCFA. In that case, each payment of 50,000 (Fifty)
thousand FCFA that I was able to make, he was going to have it counted as
100,000 FCFA. I wish to attest here that it’s thanks to this additional stupendous
kindness that Joe exercised towards me, that I was further leveraged to be able to
finally come out from the burden of that very huge loan in a shortened span.

These my other two friends like Fidelis and Tondi in the other story that I narrated
earlier in this chapter, are friends no one will want to miss to have. The inputs of
these friends in my life is a demonstration of the efficacy of the methaphor that
says; “ A friend in need is a friend indeed.” A person who helps at a difficult time
is a person who you can really rely on. Joe and Gilbert , you are friends in need. I
will forever be indebted to you for your high sense of compassion shown me my
friends.

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